BluE Scrubs

Being at home with Noah is like playing with your favourite doll everyday. Even though I didn't have a doll when I was a doll-supposedly-playing-age, I can just imagine the excitement it brings. Feed him, burp him, dodoi him, watch him sleep while he toys with my finger, change him, bath him; I could really kill somebody with the mundane things I could talk about when it comes to Noah. Akan tetapi, I am also going through a mushy brain period. I hope it's a period because I am seriously thinking about using my brain again in 2 months time.

My mushy brain impressed me last weekend. It was suppose to be our 2nd year anniversary and we thought it would be nice for my sister in law to baby sit Noah while we go out on a date. So I dolled myself up, flowy dress, I walked tall with my never been worn boots, looking dangerous. Ye lah with my s size, and the breastfeeding XL bon-bon size, I do look dangerous. The sheer disproportionality can just freeze one's visual cortex and fool one into thinking that I am a malay version of Jessica rabbit.

So out we went, chat chit chat, holding hands, kissy kissy, PDA, footsie under the table, I feed you you feed me, flirt flirt, dirty talk, you know the usual stuff people do. I must have checked my phone a dozen times during the romancing. I have been told ini adalah normal.

When we got home, conveniently, Ak tried setting the time and the date on a new alarm clock my sister in law gave us. Ak went ' What's the date today?'. I went ' What do you mean what's the date today?'. My sister in law went '25th of January'. Ak and I went 'Really?'. 'What did we do going out today then baby?

Our wedding anniversary was on the 27th January. ...Hahahah dua dua dah nyanyuk.

I should really be in bed. Tomorrow is quite an important day and I must look freshly squeezed with no pulps. It involves looking sharp and crisp. I have picked out the 'attire' and all I have to do now is jump into it and dance. Do I still have the spring? It also involves leaving Noah at home. Gulp!Tell you more later.

For now, this what Noah's been doing:

He's cut his first two teeth. Yeaaa!
He's turned onto his front.Yeaa!
He's sitting by himself. Yeaa!! No tumbang-tumbang-, no sondol-sondol, no telentang- telentang.
He's also been chewing boxes. Then gagged and choked on them. Not so yeaa. Hurmp.

Noah: Mommmyyyyyyy...hihihihi what is this??
Mommy: Er...where did you..umm...*scratch*.what did you..Noaaahhh!!!




Noah: Shame shame Mommy ..shame shame.

Noah is eating again! That gives me as much joy as seeing his poop in the nappy every morning. Dare I say, it's becoming one of the things I look forward to in the morning. Unwrap nappy, smellynya you punya poo pooh Noah- tapi happy yeaaaaaa. I am very easy to please these days. You eat and you poop away my boy.

The whole refusing food debacle the other day is simmering, it did stress me out because it puts pressure of me to produce enough milk every 2 hours. I was nearly at the end of my tethers, but now, I think I have milk enough for 2. The pendulum has swung far too much to the other side now. Not a complain that by the way. Anyone need a wet nurse? On that note; is your husband allowed to drink your milk? I know it's disgusting but bolehkah ye? Something to google later, apart from the routine google nama sendiri. Pleaselah joke ok.

More on food. I have taken interest in preparing Noah's food from the beginning of his weaning phase. It took off pretty well, too well actually such that I had to give him milk first because he was cutting down his milk too quickly. Noah ni kadang2 I think eksyen sikit nak besar cepat2. Tak sayang Mummy ke Noah? Who's going to tug my hair, squeeze my bon-bon and korek korek my lubang hidung? Siapa siapa?

He is fine with almost all vegetables and fruits but not meat. How lah. Another one to google. See if it's quite a common thing. Maybe common for babies who have eyes so bulat hidung so cenonet and mulut so nyum nyum nak gigit gigit dia arghhhh. Have you ever felt like you want to bite your child so hard sampai dia menangis? Anyway, I've only just started introducing meat when he turned 7 months and he just wouldn't have it. He can even tell if I've camouflaged the meat with some sort of a fruit compote. Another eksyen thing that he does.

So, I thought I'd borrow baby recipe books from the town library and copy the recipe word by word. I had the book with me too long sekarang dah kena denda. Enough denda to actually buy the book if it's 50% off the normal price. Pening pening I went and bought the book. I promise myself, that it's the only book I am going to buy this year. Between Ak and I, we have enough books to sink a ship, we don't need more.

So the verdict is a yeaaaaa for Noah. *victory dance*. I cooked the chicken with ubisetela, carrots, and apple- he likes that, siap ada bunyi lazat HHHHHhhhmmmm. The other one is cod flaked in cheese and butter, then added to potato and swede- no lazat sound, but no geleng geleng kepala also. He ate macam tak ada perasaan. It's ok to me as long as he eats it.

Woh look at the time, I better make myself sleep. This is what happens when I nap when Noah naps during the day.

Mommy: Baby, do you still think I'm a loser?
Daddy: Whyyy?
Mommy: Because I have a blog.
Daddy: I don't think you are a loser at all baby, I KNOW you are.
Mommy: Pfffftttttttttt.
daddy *walked out of the kitchen looking rather smug with a bag of Peri Peri crisps*

The thing is I do know blogging is a bit of a lame thing to do but what is a girl to do when she has watched all episodes of One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls and The OC, and Noah is still asleep?

Now that's what I call efficient! The carrier is already here...woot woot chuh-k-chuh-chuh-k-chuh (train whistle). The review by this particular mother will be out soon!

Look at Noah in his nest!Mengerang telur apa tu Noah?

These days, he spent quite a lot of his waking hours in this little nest. Just like a tweety bird.

He would tweet tweeting in his Neo-Noah language just amusing himself while I cook or clean or do anything housewifey. That position doesn't last very long though, after a few minutes I usually find him staring at his own feet with his bum up in the air and one arm stuck on the side of his bum as if he is about to dive into a pool. After which he would topple to one side or the other.The funny thing is he would just be in that position, quietly, not even a sound, only blinking a lot more than usual until I took notice of him and came to the rescue.

That hovercraft nest is a clever little hand-me-down. In fact most of Noah's things are hand-me-downs. His stroller, his car seat, his bouncer chair, his winter puffer overall and some of his clothes. I hope he won't look back and think that we love him any less. Britain is going
through a recession darling and plus, they are all pre-loved.

It is a very good baby carrier that one Rooge got us.

Also, it is by far the best gift Noah's received. Second only to an amorphous cuddly toy shaped like an amoeba, with what looks like a neck stretching from the chin to the belly, face , dare I say a starking resemblance to Hitler. Adolf Hitler the Nazi. Noah will hopefully grow up to one day ask me the question, Mommy who is Hitler?, which will be a nidus to a whole array of questions on world issues that we could talk about including what is happening in Gaza at the moment. Do you see how that is an absolutely spot on gift for a newborn? If you find yourself agreeing with me then you must be whacked or your name is Rooge.

I digress.

I can proudly say that we have put it to good use in the last 7 months. It's worn Noah in the Yorkshire Dales, in Devon, on London underground, in KL- up and down the LRT; can you imagine doing it with a stroller instead? Haru biru. But sadly Noah has outgrown it. This I realized when Noah turned cherry red in the face along with an orchestra of grunts and whinees when I cajoled him into the carrier. It is time to move on.

What shall I replace it with?


So, after much time spent on the net looking for a replacement, I've decided I can actually make my own carrier. The one I like is called Mei Tai and the instructions to make one is everywhere on the net. In fact, people are making them left right and centre. I have made a baju kurung before so I am sure this is doable. All I need now is a sewing machine...a mental picture of a black 1906 Singer sewing machine is stroboscoping at me.

But that was a week ago. I've decided that I won't be able to finish it on time because we are off to see the wizard in a far far away land. We'll be staying in a little cottage with a fireplace, overlooking nothing but rolling green, where we would roll Noah down the hill where he would shriek with glee and ask to be rolled again. Probably not straight out of the Sound of Music like that but close. So we need a carrier in 6 days time.

I for one can't wait actually. This week alone, Noah and I've probably seen Ak 2 hours top, collectively, since he started doing long days and night on calls back to back. He came back this morning , I was just putting Noah down for his mid morning nap, when I came out of the nursery, Ak had already hit the sack. Ak woke up for Zuhr and again I was putting Noah down for his noon nap. When Noah woke up, Ak had already gone back to bed. Ak finally woke up to get ready for work and Noah had just finished his tea and bath, in his jammies ready for bed.

Imagine if I do go back to work. Noah probably wouldn't recognize me! Imma gonna have to put up a big cut out of my face just grinning widely in place of his cot mobile. Freaky but necessary I think.

So I have made the purchase from the BigMamaSling website. Deedum deedum.. let's hope it'll get here soonish, otherwise we have to use the wrap I made from the ripped bedsheet. Now that is frugalicious.

If you are in the UK, care to sign the petition to stop Britain from continuing the supply of weapons to Israel.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Arms-embargo/

The least I could do.

Ever since Noah was born, I believe my empathy centre has grown rather denser. I cry easily at the slightest misfortune, accidents, deaths, trauma, killing anything really that involves children. Which brings the topic back again to Palestine. I'd rather not start here actually, because I only just managed to pull myself together after seeing some heart wrenching pictures on the net which successfully broke me to pieces. Astaghfirullahalazim STOP the killing already!! ....a long chat with an old friend in Plymouth, a cup of tea and a cuddle with Noah, seemed to have helped a bit, but still, sore.

Noah's gone back to bed after his 11pm feed. He should really cut down on this late feed but he is still not quite established on the solids yet. Hurm, having said that, it is my favourite feed of the day. Will be sad once we say goodbye to it.

On my heightened empathy, picture this. You and your baby walking around in Mamas and Papas looking for certain something, perusing the tasty display of certain something something and with you is a woman in her 20s whom this time last year lost her 3 month old baby from a very rare metabolic disease, which Ak diagnosed but that's not the point.

At one point I got diverted to the boy's clothes and she got engrossed with the pretty dresses on the girl's side. I was thinking, what are the chances that she is NOT thinking about how pretty her daughter would look in that dress. What are the chances that she is NOT missing the smell of her baby girl. What are the chances she is NOT wishing that her baby girl was there trying on the clothes. Then I thought what was I thinking !!!, so I walked out quickly.

Before that I already bought some clothes for Noah from Pumpkin Patch and she was very quiet. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea that I did some shopping as well that Tuesday. It started off with just a catch up lunch with her since she's been asking about Noah all the time. Needless to say I feel deeply deeply sorry for her. I wanted to tell her that don't worry darling, your baby girl will be waiting for you in heaven. But there is a belief issue at stake. I don't want her to think that I try to preach. Just what does one do?

Whole day that day I kept thinking about her. About her loss. About a belief system for her that might work to help her cope. Having to pick her up from the psychiatric outpatient department before the lunch, says something about coping don't you think.

She gave Noah a little Christmas present before we parted and I just wished I could reciprocate.

When it's 0 degree C outside, even Noah is content; just chilling and rocking and bouncing indoor. Who needs the sun and the vitamin D anyway. That is so last season huh Noah.

I am just happy that he is not going ape asking to be taken outside. Between 3 and 4 pm I usually wear him with a wrap I made from a bed sheet and we would walk along the river. The downside to following the river is that , because it's so cold all the swans and ducks are off the water and the diarrhoeal poop fringe the path so random, I'm worried somebody from Tate gallery might claim that it's an art. For me, that is not what you call a relaxing walk. Cold yes but not relaxing.

Yesterday we braved the cold to get Noah weighed. He is still on the 90th centile being 9.23 kg at 7 months. I think he is just beginning to put the weight back on. On the phone to Mak today, she mentioned about Noah looking 'not chubby in the cheeks' . I do agree with her, although seeing him everyday makes it less abvious to me that he was losing weight from the cold and coughs. I manage to downplay my worry to Mak. It is quite amazing to feel less worried all of a sudden when someone else is doing all the worrying. Sweet la Mak I ni.

Ok cowboy we are going to get you eating solids better now that you are on your road to recovery. This warrants a trip to Mothercare because you've outgrown all your sleepsuits, tinggal 3 aje yang muat. Apa kata Mummy pimp you jadi baby model nak? No need to buy baju. Teeheeee

Tengoklah tu, muka toye aje anak Mummy ni. Still demam.

Noah, waktu ni, di Palestine, too many people are suffering. Bila Mummy tengok TV , tengok children's bodies laid in a row, I had goosebumps, my eyes welled up, I was properly angry. What do they mean they have no choice but to bomb the most densely populated area??? What do they mean by they bomb schools because they know that the Hamas are hiding among the civillians? What do they mean by they are fighting terrorism??? Killing more than 500 innocent people is not an act of terror???

Ya Tuhan. Apakah agenda yang Maha Kuasa menduga umat Islam di Gaza strip. Dia sahaja yang tahu. Kita sama sama doa semoga those left behind are given strength to keep going, because those children, and men and women who've left this world, are innocent, so InsyAllah Jannah for them.

Some time ago, not in a kingdom far far away, probably just in my living room, somebody asked me whether I think in Malay when I speak in English.

I couldn't answer straight away. I tried thinking of the answer, but only strange sounds escaped uninvitingly, more of an unff and eiiighh but I couldn't really say A or B.

I guess I think in a thinking language. If you asked me, it resembles a blob of coco crunch - just one - floating and swirling in a sea of milk. When I actually know that I like the answer to my thought process the coco crunch sort of hit the side of the bowl and moor. A bit like a barge parking up by the side of the Thames. Then I feel like a sensation of soggy coco crunch wriggling up the side and jumping off the bowl cliff, that's when I stop thinking. That is when I am wide awake.

The other day, I woke up startled and I am not sure why. Ak was already up getting ready to go to work, and I (later on realized) asked him "Baby pukul berapa?". He didn't asnwer, and I asked again and again.

He then said " satu ringgit?". Then only I realized I was talking in Malay.

I guess in a state of delirious and half awake my default language is Malay but that is without thinking. So it doesn't answer the above question does it. The other thing is I guess Ak only associates "berapa" to the price of things. Sabar aje lah.

Since we have a resident paediatrician in the house, who happens to be part of the quadratic equation of how Noah got here in the first place, I asked him over dinner.

Noah's mum: Do you think it's within limits that he is not turning yet?
Noah's dad: *Eyes fixed to the tv watching the Japanese guy drift* yeah, don't worry about it.
Noah's mum: I should have put him on his front more often shouldn't I?
Noah's dad: yeaaaah...you should. *Eyes still on the tv watching the other car drift*
Noah's mum: Baby!!!!
Noah's dad: what ..what baby. Look he's drifting.
Noah's mum: #@%$#^^&%*%#@

There you go, he didn't seem bothered by it.

Noah anakku cepat cepatlah meniarap ok, you duduk unsupported dah ok. Takkan terus walking kot, kalau jatuh terlentang how to get up kalau tak boleh meniarap??
So, just what do you get a guy who doesn't want anything for his birthday. He thinks birthdays are over rated. If so, then why did he book me a spa day for my birthday last year? Oooo dia buat tak apa kita buat tak boleh.

This is a guy whom I know loves cars but he refused to buy a new car until his green little HondaCivic packed up from the many trips he did going up to York to see me when we started going out. He actually reversed into a boulder in an attempt to do a trick. I was so touched by it. I mean how many people would back their cars into a stationary object just to see a smile on his fiance's face? He is a dufus like that but my sweet darling dufus.

I know that never in a million years he would buy himself a fast car. A car that would turn heads. He said to me to me once "Baby, if I ever got to the point where I WANT this (insert fast car model), just run me over with your car". He'd rather drive his now blue Honda Civic with a 'baby on board' sign everywhere, but we all know he loves cars. His mum told me that when he was small he used to collect car models and play with them all the time.

The other day he was talking about buying his brother a track day in a Lamborgini. I mean his brother is not really into cars, I mean yes he drives an Audi TT but he is more into planes, I mean that is so not the point. What I meant to say was, is that something that he would like for himself?

A track day in a Ferrari in Silverstone is about a hundred pounds and we could all make a day out of it. The plot thickens and we don't have long. It will be February soon and we would have nothing planned for daddy Noah .....apa you nak Mummy buat?

I was staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour last night thinking about what could be the reason.

The reason for why Noah is still not turning onto his front. He sleeps on his back. I put him down like so and he would wake up exactly like that. Not a single thing's changed. It's almost like time comes to a complete halt when Noah enters his cot. It's good for a while but now I am getting worried. Is he going to turn ever?

I have been a voyeur to some mumsy blogs out there, just comparing notes, seeing how people do it, picking up tips as i go along. All them babies turned onto their fronts by 6 months, some even as early as 4 months. What is wrong with Noah?

I am thinking, Noah is a big boy. He is probably too heavy for himself. Probably too scared to turn. Scared that he might hempap himself. I am thinking Noah and whale in a same sentence. Nooooo not Noah and the whale.

I am also thinking, my fault. I never ever put him on his front. Not even for a short nap. I was so paranoid about sudden infant death syndrome that I think I've gone overboard. Too late to start?

I am then thinking about this one as well. It is very morbid.

When Noah was 5 months, we decided that we should nip it in the bud when he is still young and utilise the baby amnesia to it's full potential. I took Noah that day. He was his jolly self baby talking to almost all strangers in the clinic's waiting room. I was psyched. A baby came out having had the circumcision, wailing at the top of his lungs. Noah suddenly cried while looking around looking for the distressed baby. I dah mula tak sedap hati tau watching you menangis. I was amazed at your ability to sympathize. It really moved me but at the same time, I started to doubt my decision. I , would give a GA and the penile block for anyone who is having a circumcision and there i was about to hand over my own baby to meet a scalpel with just a penile block???? Oh My God I was so teruk ok.

When it was Noah's turn, I went in briefly and Noah parted with me with ease, smiling still biting down on his rattle I bought only the day before. I was about to betray him and he had no idea. Absolutely no idea. Something inside me was turning violently and i felt like I had to brace myself so nobody could tell that a tsunami was about to rip my internals apart. Somebody inside me was also hoping that he would suddenly refuse to stay so we didn't have to do it. But I left and I locked myself in a WC.

I prayed so hard that it's the right time to do it that it's going to be ok. I know it's the right thing to do. A nurse summoned me back in. They found it difficult to settle Noah so my presence in their opinion might calm him. Well did you put the penile block in??? Noah was screaming. Did they leave the block in long enough to give it chance to work?? Noah didn't look like he had anything given. I wasn't about to be anal so all I did was shower him with kisses. I trusted them.

The 20 minutes felt like forever. Noah was strapped down on a mini cruxifix and all the time he tried to turn towards me. He was going to turn onto his front then, but what did I do, I didn't let him, instead I let some GPs feast on his little phiphi. I would never forget that day and i would never let another child of mine go through a suboptimum penile block.

It's only my gut feeling but I think subconsciously Noah doesn't want to turn because he is traumatised by the whole thing. How do I make it right?

Another year just went by I see. I don't even remember what I was doing when it turned 2008. It's 2009 already?I was definitely pregnant at the time.

2008 has been more than just a year to me. I became a mother. Before that I had no idea how fulfilling it is to just stay at home with a baby. I have always worked since I was let loose from the medical school. It's just that I always feel like a failure if I am not out there sticking needles or tubes or anything that resembles a torturing device in somebody. Now I am contemplating to just carry on being at home with Noah. Hurm....*rubbing imaginary stubbles*

He is going to turn 7 months in 3 days. Still breastfed. Actually even more so now that he is still run down with cold and coughs. Actually actually, he is back to being fully breastfed. He has refused solids completely since 2 weeks ago. The glitches of weaning huh. We started so well with all the food I made for him. I pureed them, froze them and now they are probably expiring. Not that we could take the cubes of food to the river and feed the ducks with them. Choking nanti mati semua itik itik tu.I am just a bit sorry that we are wasting food Noah boy. If you don't want them then Mummy can't possibly force you to have them.

On wasting, I plan to be less wasteful. For a start, we are not going to buy another sling now that Noah's outgrown the Mamasandpapas carrier. The carrier can take up to 9 kg, so Noah must be more than 9 kg now. I am guessing because everytime I took him to the open baby clinic to get him weighed, first time I got the day wrong, second time,we got there 30 minutes to closing time, and they refused to entertain us. I know, I carried you all that 500 yards in the cold in a homemade wrap which was digging my clavicles a little bit because I didn't do it properly only to be told to go away. I do dig the whole babywearing though. I t's the way to be.The last time Noah was weighed at 4 months he was 8.4 kg, and Ak kept telling me I am paranoid but I guess there is a paranoia in all new mums.

So new year huh, I still have to make up for the days I didn't fast because my milk was drying up. If I don't do it quick it will turn 2010 and it will take twice the effort to fast then. On that note, I found that oatmeal, dates and rasberry leaf with a bit of nettle leaf tea make you flow out milk. It is kind of amazing. I've just figured it out this week.

I didn't plan to write loads and didn't plan to edit either, so HAPPY NEW YEAR as it is! Noah dah bangun laaaa