Thursday, September 30, 2004

Blame it On The Moon

Have you ever felt so guilty for mistreating yourself? You want to find excuses but you know they are lame.You want to blame the next person, but does he now any better? It's such a waste of time. Don't even attempt. It's deemed futile. I stumbled upon this song and for once I thought the lyrics are subtle yet snug.

Gonna blame it on the moon,
Didn't want to fall in love again so soon.

I was fine, feeling strong,
Didn't want to fall in love with anyone.

Now that it's gone too far to call for a halt,
I'll blame it on the moon
'Cause it's not my fault;
I didn't think that this would happen so soon
So I'll blame it on the moon.

I was happy to be free
Didn't think I'd give myself so easily.

Guilty feelings in the night
As I wonder is it wrong to feel so right.

Now that it's gone too far to call for a halt,
I'll blame it on the moon
'Cause it's not my fault;
I didn't think that this would happen so soon
So I'll blame it on the moon.

Now that it's gone too far to call for a halt,
I'll blame it on the moon
'Cause it's not my fault;
I didn't think that this would happen so soon
So I'll blame it on the moon

So I'll blame it on the moon

Miserable day 4

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?

How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?

How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?

How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,

This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own.

And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?

It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.

How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?

How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Miserable day 3

I was sat there minding my own business. She sat down and started to make herself a cuppa. She then started this well loved subject of weight lost and calorie counting while stuffing herself with shortbreads. One, two three..

I turned to look and smile at her ever so often to try and not look too rude with my book still opened in front of me. Then I heard this most annoying polystyrene rustling which penetrated straight between my teeth causing such distress.Tssskkk! Stop it.

I looked at her and she was crumpling the polytyrene cup. It's no longer a shape of a cup. She crumpled on and on and on..and the sound became unbearable.

Rustled on. Stop it...
Creeekkk...kreuuukkkkk stop it....
Uh I can't stand it..
One more and I'll scream..

Do I tell her to stop now?

' I best go and sort out this pump then', she finally said

I went go go go...urghh what a torture.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Miserable day 2

I woke up to the annoying sound of my geriatric alarm. I bought this one in Hertford when I was an innocent girl doing innocent A-levels in an innocent little school right in the middle of nowhere.

These days my job has craftily leached my innocence away from me, exponentially. I have become more cynical and outspoken. I have grown up. Becoming a tough cookie also comes with a greater price to pay.

People think that being independent means that I could take anything people throw at me. Rejections, manipulations , sarcasms..'she'll take it, she'll be fine', how does one know? Do they ever ask me how I actually feel? Oh gosh..that's what I had in mind when I woke wonder I still feel miserable.

I have to get off the computer because they need to retrieve today's blood results...*sigh* does anybody ever listen to me?

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Miserable cow

My left foot went forward.
I then shifted the weight onto it.
It felt heavy and effortful
I manage to bring the right one forward now and shifted the weight onto that side.
Not so bad I thought.
I found that it suited me more to just not look up and keep walking but looking down at the things on the ground. I past the pavement closer to the flat and didn't feel like walking on them. I walked on the grass instead.I don't care about the grass.
Is it because we have them in abundance, and whatever you do they always thrive? Even in the most adverse condition they always seem to pull through and flourish. Are we taking grass for granted? I realize that we homosapiens tend to take things for granted when we have entered our comfort zone.

I noticed that my shoulders were aching. They drooped and my thoracic curvature formed a nice stoop. Every part of my body seems to mourn. I felt like a weight has been put onto me. In reality, if anything should have caused this, it would have been a lost, not a gain. Have you ever felt a huge sense of lost when you have been denied of hope? The pain now seemed to have seeps through in between my shoulder blades and nagged both of the upper part of my arms. I folded my arms and hasten my pace.

I was consumed by the familiar smell which greeted me as I opened the front door to the flat. I did my usual hello! High pitched and jolly. It was quiet. I felt my face muscles tightened. I wasn't sure how to handle this.

I denied the pregnant silence. An overwhelming vacant buzz hit both of my auditories. It was so still and ignoring. My presence seems untouched to the things I left behind. I walked into the living room and the familiar sights have been ripped away. Things are put away and back to where it started. No trace that anybody else has been here apart from me.

I felt an ache and longing. A hope that maybe a familiar voice will greet me from behind the kitchen door. There was none. The wind was blowing the curtain, and as it came back down it made a ghastly clapping sound. I felt a sudden hint of snigger from the wind. I was annoyed.Must you mock me? Must you assume that I was selfish in hoping?

When you let it be, when you give it in, when you ask for nothing back but to let u give love it wrong? Must one get angry back at me for caring so much? It felt wrong, I was made to feel wrong.

I now wonder why.

You are not loved, you are a mere ephemerality. She said from within. Firm with conviction.

His shoes are gone.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Die ...die..die

I walked out of the living room and there the guy was, sneaking in and out. Didn't he think I saw him? I placed myself at a rather good angle..ready to do an ambush. I stealthily came behind him, at which point my heart was pounding so fast I felt the room spinning ..clammy and a bit whoozy.

Bismillah..*splat* I gave him a big sharp short whack. The guy disintegrated into pieces. The legs were all over the place. The body unrecognizable. Mati kau..muahahahahahah..I hate spiders.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I weeeeelll puuut zeee neeedell in ze hand plis

I'm sitting down here

hey you can't see me

Kind of invisible you don't sense my stay

Not really hiding not like a shadow..


Where am I? I am hiding in the Intensive Care Unit coffee room. Another 15 minutes and Sam will be here to take over from Jo and me. I have been working hard today, so I deserve this jam donuts. *coorrrrrrrrrrrrr nyum nyum*

I appeared unusually on time this morning, but McNeil was already here taking the handover from Richard. I just gracefully joined in, and you know that you're ok when they include you in the conversation and actually ask for your opinion.

Gosh ..I have been pretty obsessed with time keeping of late, as I have been ruthlessly late for every single thing that I had to do.

Could it be that I no longer know how to prioritise? Could it be that I have , subconsciously planned a cunning way to appear cool calm and collected when things pear shaped? Could it be that there is something else I longed to get out of the way?

Back to reality..what did I do today? Stuck a great tripple lumen line down Mr.Bed 1's neck. Stuck a great big needle in Mrs. Bed 3's forearm.

Banged the trolley containing Mrs. Bed 4 and the ventilator and the monitor, the defibrillator and the rest of life-saving-what-nots against the double door.

We were taking Mr.Bed 4 to the CT scanner. What? Who are you calling useless?I am not a bloody porter! McNeil was pushing and he did exactly none of it was my fault.

He reminded me to put 'Has attained a high level of dexterity for steering patients' trolleys akin to that of a skilled NHS porter'in my CV..monkeylah I thought.Portering service here is appalling...I just don't know where to begin.

Oh and and...pronounced Mrs Bed 5 dead. *sigh*

1.Eyes-fixed dilated pupils non reacting to lights
2.No signs of breathing
3.No pulse, no heart beat
4.No reaction to pain

I pronounce Mrs. Bed 5.. Dead? Deceased?RIP?Which one?

She didn't look peaceful to be completely honest...her face was almost saying 'What? I have to go now?'

Death is inevitable, a sure thing and is encroaching upon us by the second. Creepy

Hhuhuuhuhuuh...Sam is here..

Monday, September 13, 2004

God was the first anaesthetist

I swear to God I wasn't prepared for today's grilling by the Professor of history of anaesthesia. As usual I was late for the morning epidural follow up, however he was even later, so I was rather smitten that I got there before he did!

We did a quick sweep through the floor and all the ladies seemed to be rather satisfied with our service. (No double meaning intended).

He went around complaining bitterly about how the beds from the labour wards are backwards, and third world with stupid head post recliner , which will serve it's purpose if it actually came down WITH the patient. He went on and on and on.This bed thingymijigy must have caused him some sleepless nights.

A few ladies later, I found myself with him in this room with a trolley and an exquisite selection of larungoscopes. He was going to ask me to name them all...please don't please don't..

'Now Naj, do you know the names of all these blades?'

The images of the blades kept flashing and moving so quickly before my eyes, I found myself rubbing my left eye vigorously. I had an idea..So i picked up the far right one. Flip it open and there it is. It's embossed Macintosh! I flip it back in and the light bulb at the end flickered off. Confidently I said 'Mcintosh'.

He didn't pay much attention to the answer. I supposed it was an easy one. Gosh my memory is really letting me down these days. He picked up a rather wonky looking one and I know that one! I went 'Polio!'. Tell me about Polio laryngoscope. I went terkedu....

It was called Polio because when Polio was an endemic many people died from respiratory failure as the polio progressively affecting the breathing muscles. So what these clever people did was to put the victims in a box which came right up to the chin. A negative pressure is applied to the outside of the chest wall and this generates expansion of the lungs! Clever innit?

However there are times that they had to intubate and stick a great big tube down the throat, and it was proven to be difficult with the edges of the box in the way. So they created Polio blade! 10 marks for you young lady!

We talked about history which to my amazement , wasn't registered as boring at all. It's inspired me to blog it. So it must have been interesting.

I did earlier tonight read up about Henry Hill Hickmann and his work on animals. Back in 1842, this chap stuck a poor rat in a box and let it breath carbon dioxide. As the creature slowly fluctuating it's level of consciousness, he found that he could actually chop the tail off without the animal moving at all.

He woke the rat up and the next day did the same thing again and chopped off the ears....yes he did that...and that was called anaesthesia then. Freakkkyyyyyyy!!!

I started to like this guy. If only I can just download everything that he has stored in his cerebral cortex. Exam will be half a battle. A few famous people later, he let me off with a rather philosophical remark.

I honestly can't remember how we got to that point but basically he was just trying to sell anaesthesia to me..Possibly it was to do with how Queen Vicky had chloroform for childbirth and back then you are not suppose to get any pain relief, because it was against the church teachings.You were suppose to suffer.Now that doesn't make sense.

I wasn't sure if he was trying to say that us anaesthetists are doing the work of God in that we put people to sleep and wake them up again.

'God put Adam to sleep, then only He took Adam's rib to create Eve'

He didn't need to do that though because I am now certain that I cannot and will not do anything else. This is now my life and will continue to be ..pinch me!

The Gassy Gas Ball

Saturday afternoon came and I was ready to go to Deepa's house. I knew I had to get some things to go with the black dress but what?

I dashed about almost frantically in and out of Monsoon and Body Shop and Superdrug in Princes Quay.I had no idea what and how I was going to do my makeup and hair..b***y gas ball.

This is worse than preparing for my final year clinical..ok ok maybe it's a bit over the top but I swear I was pissing my self. Part of it was due to my effortless attempt at putting everything to the very last minute and the rest was just sheer laziness. I just wished i've done that ages ago and just chill on Saturday.

I found myself sitting at a table of 11 people. Deepa and hubby, Kevin and Cheryl, Gus and girl wearing a dress from Monsoon, Dave and another sexy girl with a dress from Debut, Ann Marie with hubby..I honestly have no idea where she got that dress from...and of course there's me!

Honestly I felt rather out of place. Had I not been a passanger to the Sanu's I would have left after the bread and butter made their appearance.

I kept glancing at my chest. Was it just me or it's just a little bit too popped out?Is it that obvious? Deepa didn't seem to say anything..I digged into the halibut with chive sauce. Hmmm..bland? I looked around and everybody seemed ecstaticly enticed by the look of the dishes..but it's bland bland bland. Come on people.

Mary-Ann who was sat next to me kept popping questions about my my previous job in Hull Infirmary.It's amazing how people can come up with all sorts of questions when we all know they don't really care about what the answers were.

A bit like me walking past Graham going 'aight Greaem' ..and he goes 'u aight Naj' and it'll be the same again next time. We'll probably talk again properly when we actually work together fixing some broken pins in theatre 7, but till then it's 'aights' and back.

Andrea Tate, Phil Burford and Darren Walkley were my favourite Regs and I was so glad to see them.Genuinely glad.*Genuine grin*We talked about almost everything that happened over the past year which we all agreed had past us so quickly.

Some funny moments and some people whom we've agreed should have retired from the department ages ago.We all know who ...We then realized that the gossiping session kept being disturbed by a lot of 'excuse-me's. We were actually blocking the entrance to the ladies and gents! Us anaesthetists are forever considerate but no matter how hard we try we always seem to be 'in the way'at the same time.

The band was playing I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL and suddenly Watson from the table next to us grabbed my hand and literally dragged me to the dancefloor. I was stunned amidst the blaring letric guitar.

It was rather amusing to see him doing the one leg hopping act (I am sure there's a name for it).The floor was covered with ladies and gentlemen clambering one another and Watson at this point was closely resembling a type of Borneo mammal which favourite pastime is nit picking. Huurmmmmm...

I got home and vaguely remember feeling grateful that the next day was going to be Sunday...owhhhh my neck!

Monday, September 06, 2004

To laugh or not to laugh

I was working with Moeser the german today. I can really talk to this guy. He is neither paternalistic, pedantic nor brash. Never allowed himself to be called the boss but the room silts with his authority.

We were waiting for our last patient at 4 pm.
Location:Right in the middle of the corridor.
Standers: Sam, Moeser, Chandra and Naj
Moeser started one of his almost always dirty , if not rude joke sessions.

A junior anaesthetist called the consultant anaesthetist at home for help.

JA:hello may i speak to Dr.X the consultant please, I need his advice.
Wife: Sorry but my husband died a week ago.
JA: oh sorry


A week later when the same junior anaesthetist was on call again,

JA: Hello may I speak to Dr.X the consultant on call please.
Wife: I'm sorry but my husband passed away 2 weeks ago. Sorry, but who is this?
JA: It's the on call junior anaesthetist
Wife: didn't you call last week?
JA: Yes , I'm very sorry.


A week later when again, the junior anaesthetist was on call again

JA: hello may I speak to Dr.X the consultant please
Wife: It's you again. My husband has been dead for 3 weeks. Does the hospital not know about this?
JA: Yes, we do but it feels good to hear it over and over again.

The three boys laughed and laughed. I'm sure Moeser was wetting himself. Sam was pissing himself. Chandra chuckled. I thought..german!

Sunday, September 05, 2004

The not so grim kampung Grimsby

I was in Grimsby town centre for the first time today, after being here for nearly 4 weeks now. I would say the move has been rather smooth and I am settling reasonably well (I still need a CD stacker..that nice one from IKEA) and getting along with my flatmate Yvette reasonably well. It must be the shift work in A&E that's getting to her on some days or maybe just the hormone thing.So de very moody at times. Been there done that so I know what it's like to rush around trying to meet the 4 hour waiting time in A&E.No way I'm going back there.Overated, overworked..underpaid.

I was looking around for a descent pair of shoes to go with any of the dresses I've got.I had them for ages but dare not wear them..yet . I guess this Gas Ball is a very good reason to let my hair down a bit, not literally though because I think I'd rather put my hair up. Always , for a while now I feel more comfortable with my hair up.

My impression of Grimsby was..grim. Fishy town lots of smoke, smelly and dusty. I parked at MFI and just to alleviate that guilty feeling of parking free, I strutted into MFI ..looking for errr a sofa? *whistle* ya right.Mana nak letak? I did a quick tour.Some young couples are busy touching the sofa, the bed, the dining table..yada yada yada.. Gosh I really need a place of my own..really now. A bachelorette pad. Where I can just ..nevermind. It'll happen. Patience Naj is the essence here. I liked the space-saver wardrobe organizer.What a brilliant idea. It's sawnky, the way things slide in and out, and disappear leaving a sheek, simple to the eyes calming to my nerves. Can't stand mess. Really can't.

I then walked across to Freshney place. A mini Midvalley? Well at least everything was under the same roof. Founf the essentials. Dorothy Perkins, NEXT, Vodafone and bang in the middle STARBUCKS! Huuuuu yeah.

So there I was looking for the right shoes still thinking maybe Dave the rotamaker will forget that I am going to it and put me down as being on-call. Then I can just go 'opps I can't go now I'd be on call'. Just maybe...He's already said that he'll make sure I won't be on this Saturday. I really hate doing this shoe match handbag match dress thing. Oh yes..don't forget the handbag. Double urrghhh.

Surprise surprise! I didn't find the pair I wanted. Oh well maybe that flimsy 3 inch at Topshop. It won't work for me though. I'll just wreck them unmercifully. Although I am a petite UK 8, I have a fairly disproportionate feet.fairly? VERY! Bak used to call me 'kewweng'. Meaning kaki kapal- all the toes fan out making the kaki look wider.

So what did I end up with? 3 lovely tops from Dorothy Perkins instead.Tak tahan laaa. Slap*slap* It's a good deal though. It's in , hip and the material is so major. It'll go well with some nice hipsters I already bought last year.

I walked out of HMV and all shops were closed.It was 16:30. And it's scorching, but best weekend weather by far. I thought I'll just have a walk and see what this town has to offer. Found Barclays, so that's good. The post office was just next to it. Further along there's a square with some lovely restaurants and cafes.Parity, Chicago Cafe and FUSED.. Not bad at all...oh yah and of course Pizza Hut.

To the end of the road was a big old church. The lawn was generous and some teens were playing ..or rather messing about. I turned on myself to get back to MFI when I heard 'Oi skir'ie, oi skir'ie look 'ere..oii look ere.' I looked over and there was this young ginger haired, full of freckled boy grinning at me about 10 yards away. He's rongak and dirty. I hastened my pace and he kept calling.isk..nak ajak main bola ke? I had a rather narrow skirt on with no splits which made my strides rather small. Urrrmmm....lalalalalalalallalllaal..keep walking..keep walking act cool..stupid boy.

I came to a junction, left to Cleethorpe (beach beach beach yea yea yea) and right ..back to my dingy flat. I turned left and drove on. Why left? Dunno. Got to Cleethorpe and the place was dotted with seminakedness and it was heaving! Urmmm..bosannya.

I U turned fairly promptly and found myself in a tailback.Oiiiii move it move it.I'm cooking already. It was moving sooo slowly so I decided to ring J. He's feeling sticky and bored but chatty.Thank you to you I then got lost, however as always , the best way for me to learn my way arounda new place is to get lost...very eventful indeed.

Urgghhh tomorrow's that's bad.


It was Saturday four hours ago but now it's Sunday.

The ironing board

I was walking towards the bathroom when I noticed the ironing board against the wall. I walked past it. When I was walking back I noticed it again.

I was naked

Today I had a shower. I took my clothes off and I turned the on-off knob and at the same time the hot-cold knob. I showered. Later, I finished. I was naked.

Friday, September 03, 2004

A dress to impress nobody

Setting: Living room
Sounds: Marques Houston-Pop That Booty and the shrieking noise of the lawn mower
Smell: Of half empty mug of Tesco latte and strange fresh cut grass..hmmm..tentalizing my chemoreceptor trigger zone..hmmm
Cerebral: Slow
Ambience: Still yet busy and nystagmustic
Upper limbs: Still typing away
Lower limbs: Left cheek is a bit sore..right leg pins and gone
Mood: Numb
Facial expression: Dumb and bland
Hate: That tall still sweet guy

I need to :
1) Meet Laura at Banana to register, there's a yoga at 7pm
2) Lipat laundry
3) Basuh laundry
4) Iron laundry
5) Study neuromuscular physiology (if I have time)
6) Call Rob and say sorry for being lousy
7) Go to Hull at some point to pick up the posts. GMC certificate is due.

Need a dress for the Gas Ball. I've got 8 days to sort it. What exactly do I need?
1. Something long, summery
2. Reddish...yeah yeah go RED go RED..*sigh*
3. Prints or without prints? Will a print make a dress less Ball-y? How would I know? It is still summer afterall..Thisis absolutely doing my head in. I never wanted to go in the first place. And which shoes!!! urghhh and very urghhhh!

How long do you leave it before...

Yvette has gone to Brussel to meet her sister. The flat feels empty.She was telling me about the break up with Anand. A four year relationship ended yesterday.

She seemed happy though. Not as happy as when Anand was here. Who wouldn't? He flew all the way from Cape Town just to spend 2 days with her. Lucky so and so I thought then.

Last Friday was her birthday and we went to Khomran's house. Sheek,sleek, crisp minimalist concept. The kitchen was I-want-exactly-like-it. Yvette made pasta with some herbal minty creamy saucy and she left it up to me to do the salad..since that's what I do everyday to make my plate looking rather 'organic'.

This bachelor has a place to die for with all the state of the art pots and pans and pasta strainer, but to actually find them is rather challenging.

He desn't know what, how or when to use the stuff in the kitchen.He spent ages looking for the pasta strainer. Skali tengok he looked very like selling periuk belanga already.Evidently the fridge was filled with cans and bottles. Not a substantial food in sight.

Kate the health worker assistant turned up prompt..looking rather peachy.Then it was Donna and GP hubby Julian. Lorraine turned up fashionably late. We ate and bitch and gossip and some pictures taken. That was nice.

I went to pick up Nicolate at the station as well since I was the only one not drinking. Nicolate was tall ..barbie doll girl that I mean blonde and gorgeous. Yvette is Yvette. Short hair hates skirt and what-is-lipstick kind of a girl.

Have you ever heard of the act of knocking the inside of the car three times when you cross a yellow light?..itu syirik ke? This is what we do in South Africa, for luck, they said...but never 5 times in the same car. I then gently let go of the accelerator. Baca bismillah or not tadi? On the fifth yellow light we crossed, I started knocking the side of my door..peer pressure? Yvette and Nicolate cracked up

My mind was elsewhere, I wanted to be in London.

'You don't drink at all Naj?' Donna beamed a full set of crowned incisors at me. Hmmm nice
'No I don't'..I would have troubled myself with the whatnots the whys of me not drinking ..but urgghh not that night.This teetotal wanted to chiow to London and be with her friends.

Last night was the second night I heard Khomran's voice in her room..he left in the morning. I could be wrong, but Khomran's is distinctively paki. Ayyo so jahat. Two days before I saw the new Pink Lacoste perfume from Anand on Yvette's bed. Five days before I saw Anand in the flat. I am yet to see Khomran..again for the first time.

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