BluE Scrubs

Hari ni tiba tiba rasa sesuatu. Mengenai Noah lah siapa lagi. Dia ketawa kerkekek kekek kalau kita kata " Who's a good boy, who's a good boy". Tak pernah pula saya buat cubaan bercakap melayu dengan dia.

Kerana perasaan sesuatu itu makin menebal, tadi, saya beranikan berumula bercakap melayu dengan Noah. Entah kenapa saya risau dia akan kerutkan kening dan berikan saya muka
"Mummy, are you well?" Tak masuk akal sebab dia masih kecil, tapi itulah yang terlintas dikepala saya.

Jadi tadi sebelum waktu mandi saya mula dengan "Siapa budak bagus...siapa budak bagus". Oh bunyinya sangat plastik. Cubaan beralih arah kepada bahasa Kelate, " Mano hee budok jughuuuh", oh wow macam menyarungkan sarung tangan ke tangan yang sama saiz dengan sarung tangan itu. Kalau tak analogy ni tak bolehlah diguna betul tak. Sangat bertepatan. Tak apalah busuk busuk, datuk dan neneknya di Pasir Puteh gembira.

Dah tak lama nak raya ni, lusa dah nak balik Malaysia, tak sabar. So kalau saya tak jenguk dilaman web ni lagi selepas ni, saya nak ucapkan SELAMAT HARI RAYA kepada segelintir kecil mereka yang membaca blog ini. Semoga anda dapat menyambutnya dengan keberkatan tanpa nak menunjuk nunjuk, melaram tak tentu pasal atau membazir dimusim semua barang mahal. Maaf zahir dan batin.

Noah is down for his siesta and although I didn't get much sleep last night I must not sleep now. So many things to do before we fly out to Malaya on Friday! Excited, anxious, excited, anxious.

Excited I may be now but I was up almost all night trying to get Malaysia Airlines people to fupping accept the credit card already. I have to say that the online service is still in need of a bit of tinkering. For one, the page with the reference number came up 2 seconds before disappearing without a trace, so when I rang up to buy the damn thing of course they asked me for the booking reference. I garu my kepala and tarik my nafas. Rasa nak sumpah sumpah, tapi refrain and control I did. Heesh, I would have had it if the page hadn't zap out adik oi.

All of the above could be well avoided if I had the brain to book the internal flight early. Nak hantuk my kepala laa. My bad. I secretly wished that Ak would be angry or a bit cheesed off, but nope. Sadist me I know.

Due the whole debacle, we didn't get any flight to Kota Bharu until the 29th of September and even that is business class. If that day is Raya already that would be so not funny. I tell you the frustration at 3 am in the morning was alarming and also not funny. Ya I know huh, you'd think Noah was being difficult but no, he slept through the night again. Lihat peha Noah! Gigit gigit gigit dia.

I was talking to a friend at her house yesterday when the topic of bedtime came up. She has two boys, one is 4 years old and the other is a toddler. She made it look so easy with putting them to bed just after orchestrating together, dare I say a complicated breaking fast feast. I would probably be left with burnt down kitchen and a screaming baby me.

This woman always amazes me. She was the one who gave us Gina Ford the book.

For Noah, bedtime has always been a little bit of a fight. Not exactly world war 3 but I wouldn't say it's a walk in the park either.

I used to bribe him with the titties, cajoling him with the rocking of the cot, humming the 'burung kakatua', waltzing to the newborn music bought at Mothercare for 6.99, the works, but he wasn't having any of it. I know some people advocate 'controlled crying' as in just leave the baby in the room, in the dark to just fall asleep on his own but how is that controlled and oh how mean!

I personally think it's unacceptable. How would you feel being left alone in the dark, divorced from so much love, attention and warmth of bountiful cuddles you have been getting all day? So much so that people keep cuddling you even when you've had enough? Come evening, there, abandoned, unwanted, well not exactly but the baby must be feeling exactly that.

No big studies have yet shown any association between 'abandoned-babies-at-bedtime' to 'difficult-to-deal-with-adults' but I can just imagine that it must somehow shortchange the baby's emotional development. What do I know?

Now at 3 months and a half Noah is capable of falling asleep by himself. Don't be fooled though, he's laid down some ground rules for this to happen.

1. I must be fed to the brim. Watch for signs like turning my face away from the boobie. Don't be fooled by me dozing off, just give me a nudge.
2. I must be bathed, oiled and massaged, my nappy crisp and I must smell nice.
3. I don't care what you do in the room but just be there until I drift off.

Demanding but worth it for No-Noah respite between 7 and 11.

Last night he slept through the night from 10 pm, waking up just in time to send off our cousin to the train station so she can catch the Eurostar back to Brussel. I put it down to tiredness after a whole day punting in Oxford. Nevertheless, attaboy!!

This is officially the 5th time I've tried watching Brokeback Mountain- I just can't bring myself to watch man on man. Enggggahhhhhh! *Menggelupur*

Day 15 of Ramadhan and I have to say I only managed 7 days out of them. By day 6 the demand was surging and the supply was trickling. All I can say is I did my best but my best is not good enough. Failure = kecundang?

My English is not great but my Bahasa Melayu is getting worse. Have you ever imagined a word in your head, how it makes sense but when you say it out loud it kind of not? The word today is kecundang? Saya kecundang untuk menyediakan susu untuk anak saya. Well gagal is more apt but what is kecundang?

What amazes me is this, and I don't think it's because Noah is a genius baby, this is what babies are set to do. On that day 6 he was suckling every hour. Something must have triggered him to want to suck every hour. It wasn't like him to be clingy like that. Yes my boy is allergic to cuddles. Whatever did I do to deserve this. Anyway, how very cunning you see because it is all to do with increasing the demand to increase the supply. Again how so very clever.

And yet people still think we all evolve from apes. Things just swim around some gazzilion years ago and randomly merged and have order in place without anything telling them to do that.

Noah is in bed since 7pm and his Daddy is back on call, time to google some books.

Noah is having his noon kip and so is his Daddy. Only his Daddy is probably trying to have his proper sleep as his on call last night was probably busy. He didn't tell me the whole story but I guess it must have been because he mentioned "play around with the ventilator" not to mention he looked like one of those back up dancers in Michael Jackson's video clip. Thriller?

I realize this blog has morphed into one of those mumsy blogs. Well I intend to be as mumsy as possible from now on because that's what I am, a mother, and a very accidental one at that but I am determined to learn more for the benefit of everybody in the family.

I now understand why people gloat so much about their babies and the obsession about breastfeeding. If I have never achieved anything else in my life , medical degree, professional exams, married to a man with prettier legs than me, seeing Noah grow on my milk is enough to make me very very warm with pride. Gloat worthy. Not to mention the joy having him in my arms.

babble babble, Noah Noah.

I have been googling around for a lot of breastfeeding blogs and mumsy blogs. Sure, Dr. Miriam Stoppard's book is on the shelf but I love reading crude stories from genuine Mums out there. Pumping stories, freezing , storing, the sheer determination juggling work full time and breastfeeding exclusively. I could only admire from far. As for me, I would like to contribute but so far, as I am boobies on legs, staying at home until at least February next year, I don't have much problems feeding my fast approaching 4 months mark baby.

One thing I do need is a nursing bib, or shawl or whatever they call it to make nursing a little bit discreet. I have gone onto a couple of websites and I am not sure I want to pay that much for a piece of cloth stitched together just to cover the chest. I can understand if they can also transform into Superman's cape or Aladin's magic carpet. Has anybody made their own?

During Noah's bath time today a familiar nursery rhyme had an airtime,

Barung kaka tuaaaaaaaaaa
Hinggaaa di jindilaaa
Nene suda duaaa
Giginya tinggal tuaaaa

Mommy: You've got them wrong
Daddy: It's his favourite....*Continue singing*

We moved to this 2 bedroom apartment just before my due date. That was 4 months ago.

Behind it, River Thames snakes gracefully. It's depth and shyness are very much capable of robbing my time that I had aplenty while waiting for Noah to arrive. I frequently just sat on one of the benches that generously fringe the river banks. I watched the boats sail by. Boys and girls from the town boat club zapped by in their pods, very serious with their rowing. I read a few books during that time, one of which was The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai.

I guess after reading Fine Balance by Rohinto Mistry, the above book just struggled to match up. A few days ago, the Final FRCA book arrived from the college. Then the question loomed over me. I just wonder if I am going to commit myself to anaesthetics, go back to work,fight for a numbered post, do the exam and leave Noah in the care of somebody else, or am I just going to stay at home until he is about 2.

I have never not worked. I haven't spoken about work for ages to anybody. I feel stagnant.

But just look at his smile and his little fingers tracing a circle in that gap between my breasts when I nurse him. I feel blessed.

The run is getting better. I managed 30 minutes along the river, across the wooden bridge on the North and back on myself. One thing though, I need to express the bon-bons just before. Bon-bons is what girls call those boobies back in TKC. Back then I am not sure why I get all menggelupur when people call them tetek. Wait I actually still do. Hurghghghghhg.

Even with these achy bon-bon I run. Firstly because I used to love running. I used to run in college at weekends, I used to run by the lake where the Shah Alam Mosque is, I used to do a few lapses in Hyde Park. Then came Uni and other things caught my attention. Circuit training, yoga, moga and other fancy stuff.

Secondly, Ak ran Dublin Marathon 2 years ago just before he proposed to me and the least I could do is overtake him and Noah in the stroller.

Hmmm trifle or creme caramel for dessert....

I didn't buy this book by Gina Ford. A friend gave it to us when we were expecting. To be fair, we did look tad bit clueless and also Ak started looking around for books to read when we hit 20 weeks. It may have looked like he was more interested in what's going on in my tummy than I was at the time, but I, well I guess I have to agree. I was in a perpetual shock.

One thing that always amazes me is his genuine thirst for knowledge and how little he thinks he knows. He knows a lot. I know that. I get a pat in the back by some friends and nurses saying 'You shouldn't have any worries having a paediatrician as a husband'. I guess it is that expectation that makes him want to make sure that he measures up all the time. I'm not sure.

Even when there is no expectation, he would search long and hard for an answer he owes to parents of a sick kid for example. I remember when a 3 month old presented to him last year, with a mysterious illness, he practically littered our living room with books and hover on his laptop for hours. The kid died soon after, the parents were devastated until now. No way she could have survived the rare metabolic disease, but I know Ak must have done something more than just being the doctor because they made him the godfather and insisted that he went to the funeral. May she rests in peace.

Well I was going to go through Noah's routine today, but it all became about the dad. My mind I tell you, it wanders to places sometimes I feel exhausted just to keep up with.

So Noah's day starts at 7 am normally and I usually feed him first because almost like a clockwork he will do a 'stinkah' on me, so I thought why waste nappies? But lately because of the nature of morning nappies being so heavy laden from overnight pee pee, the nappy tends to leak, so I change him first then feed. The feed lasts usually for about 30 mins. A breast an a half.

He will then nap for half an hour after 9 am. Feed again at 11 and another nap at 12. These naps were at quite random places today. First in Mothercare because I needed to get a bottle and some milk storage bags. I've been going through bouts of fear that he might not let go of nursing well if I leave it too late. So we need to get practicing with bottles. I tried Tommy Tippee with him with no luck and I heard of some good words about Breastflow. So we shall see.

Ak thinks I am being paranoid, considering by the time my maternity ends and I go back to work, Noah will be about 9 months. He might not need a bottle at all. So why the push? I guess it's the thought that I can leave him with somebody so I could run errands, run, pilates, exam courses, hair cut, massage maybe. Am I trying to do too much too soon? Do I miss what I used to be?

Oh and the second nap in Tesco. He fell asleep while chuckling to my jiggle-the-susu with the honeydews. Is that normal? What happens to 'drifting' to sleep like normal babies? The nap was only for about an hour. Another hour at home after. At 3 months I think 3 hours of sleep during the day is enough as he would sleep well at night. The worst I've done is letting him sleep for two hours between 4 and 6 pm. In the night, he woke up for night feed and wanted to play!

He gets fed at 2pm and usually this will make him last until his bath time with Daddy at 6pm. His Daddy complains that this is not enough and I understand totally. He goes before Noah wakes up and home just in time for the bath. That could be me if I had to go back to work. I am forever grateful for this whole 9 months paid maternity leave. National Health Service is not bad at all.

So after 2:30 pm, I keep Noah occupied. Today he tagged along to my physiotherapy for my wrists. He then kips for another half an hour between 4 and 5. Ak came back early, so I could go for my second time ever run. The first one was on Sunday and it's the same route by the river Thames. It was pathetic. There was me hobbling along and Ak overtook me while 'strolling' Noah and talking on the phone, still in his work clothes.

Rome wasn't built in a day and those extra weight weren't put on in a day, I keep telling myself. I managed 20 minutes non-stop and that is pretty good going for this fat ass. Noah fed at 6:30 pm and I settled him in the cot just after 7.

So what bugs me still with his routine is the fact that everything seems fine if he starts his day at 7 am, but if I have to feed him at 5 am then it messes up the whole morning until 2pm. Gina's book doesn't help much with this problem. Oh well we'll just muddle through it until we get it figured out. It's not like I am going anywhere.

At night, his last feed is about 11 pm and I leave it up to him as to how much he needs. He would last until just before 7 am and on a strange days 5 am when he would just 'baby talk' in the cot non stop. Maybe he does Subuh prayer. This is only just recently. Up till 2 weeks ago I was still feeding him once in the night.

Both boys are asleep now and I should really finish my Al-Baqarah, good night.

Ak and I agree on this before, why bother putting the sign 'BABY ON BOARD' when people are expected to drive as they would the day they pass their driving tests. Seems redundant.

I have to say that I have now put one on Ak's car. Reason being, there are a lot of impatient people out there on the road and it does not take much for people to snap. I have seen it on CSI and CSI is about real life. Uh huh.
Maybe a crazy slow moving blue Honda?

People get impatient when they have no sympathy. They have no clue as to what could be going on in the blue Honda. For example, a baby could be screaming because he's hot and needs a couple of layers taken off without taking him out of the seat. For this Mommy needs to Indiana Jones herself into the back seat. Boy that never happened to us before has it Noah?

Or, the baby could be screaming and you have no idea yet why. All sorts you know, and it just makes it easier when the screaming is only in the blue Honda and not coming from other cars as well.

Or worse, if there's been an accident, when people see 'baby on board' but with an empty car seat,they would at least think of a possibility that a baby might have been catapulted out of the car, or wedged in a convenient place elsewhere. Very morbid nih.

So yesterday the Master had his second immunisation injections and boy you have a loser Mommy because she welled up and sniffled and couldn't speak after. I saw that how-could-you look you gave the nurse. I liked it. What with your generous smiles and coos and ahh you gave her only to be reciprocated by stabs in the thighs. How could she, that's right I never trust any nurses.

You could have cried longer to make her feel bad, although I know them species they never feel guilty for anything.

They weighed him as well and he is way up on the 90th centile at 7.14 kg. That's double your birth weight at 3 months. Say thank you nice boobies!

First day Ramadhaning, it’s been a hard day no doubt. By midday my throat felt like it grew spikes and my top palate felt furry.

I was beginning to feel some sort of a negotiation going on between the breast cells and the rest of the body. But no, these ones are made of good stuff I know, and they are not about to give up. I know that doing this wrong they will be sacrificed in the name of survival.

Alhamdulillah the feeds for Noah were not compromised. He was a bit fractious towards the evening but I can only hope that there was enough there as he is still asleep now.

I am breastfeeding exclusively, and I want to continue to do so. Also, really not keen on the idea of mixing the feeds with formula if I can avoid it. But this is just day one, we shall see.

To Muslims everywhere, Ramadhan Mubarak, and to mothers out there fasting and breastfeeding, you go girl.