BluE Scrubs

I would say Noah took the whole transition pretty well. The first night we moved him into his room, he was a bit unsettled. He kept waking up before his 11 pm feed, quite disturbed. He kept looking around, at the different curtains, different arrangements, different things around the room while almost screaming the terrified scream. Or maybe he saw the non angelic things flying around.

I do believe in the angels and jins and demons so after a couple of verses from the Qoran, he mellowed and fell asleep. I was like wow... and Ak and I exchanged the look.

Tulis blog ni macam satu benda yang best pula. I used to write nearly everyday because to be honest I was lonely, far away from home, and in a twisted kind of way, my soul was tortured. At the time my ideas were like Victoria falls, tak cukup cukup nak tulis.

Pain and loneliness seem to be the active ingredients to write. It also helped at the time that I was in a job where I could say I don't mind not getting paid to do a day's job. Tak boleh hari2 la kan, lagu tu makan pasir la pulak. Everyday something happened that tickled me pink and I just wished I could tell it to somebody at home come the end of the day.

Was I unhappy though, looking back maybe I was. Now that I am not unhappy, the creative juices are drying up. Tak tahu apa nak tulis. Macam Avril Lavigne, lepas kawin all her songs are not as good as before. But today I handmade the secret Santa Ak a Christmas card for Geetha. Handsome jugak card tu. Woh creative lagi la Cik Miah ni.

I have been writing for 4 years now on and off. Can you believe it. In that time, I dodged a few guys and their rings, wasted hundreds of pounds on lame Malay guys, before my good old friend
from medical school proposed to me after he came back from Sierra Leone.

This is the guy who let me borrow his cycle carrier when we first started our housejob together, a guy who sahur with me in that derelict hospital accomodation in Ramadhan, the guy whose sense of humour beats Friends episode, the guy who would vegitate with me in the common room over the weekends because we couldn't be asked to socialize with pub people. I have always liked him but never in my life I could imagine him liking me in that sort of way then. He was way out of my league.

Next month marks 2 years we are married. I thank God for giving me the inability to say yes to anyone else in the past.

Kenapa sekarang baru nak cerita? sebab saya cinta kamu laa..vomit bowl kat tepi tu ye

Watchu doing?

I'm just finishing off Noah's petits filous. He usually gobbles the whole pot within minutes but today, he only managed half of it. Let's not talk about the food I made, he is not having any of it. Pelbagai aksi tipu helah telah dicuba namun Noah tetap champion geleng kepala dan tepis sudu bila datang dekat. Whereas usually kalau sudu transit in the air sebab mummy terdistracted by the iklan on TV, you can hear a grunt, macam lembu terjerut leher. Mummy sayang you la Noah sebab tu Mummy panggil you lembu. Maybe because it's not as smooth as the petits filous. I know, Noah is fluee again.

Even when I tricked him into having some other foods like the swede and potato he'd just bring it all up again. I don't know how many bedsheets we went through last week, the house is beginning to look a lot like a laudrymat.

His best day was the day we went to Heathrow to pick up Daddy and Dhadi (grandma, mother of the Daddy). I think it's cool that in Urdhu, they have special names to distinguish between the grandparents of the mother and the father. So grandad will be Dhada, and my mum will be Nanni to Noah and Ba' will be Nanna. Neat. Eventhough Dhada has passed away but I sometimes show Noah his pictures. This is creepy but when when I first laid my eyes on Noah my thoughts were, apart from thank god for epidural and Ak looked so good in bluescrubs, Noah looked like his Dhada lah...* blink* turned my head to the side *blink* eh yelaaaah. Not so anymore.

I digress, nak cerita Noah demam dah melalut la pula. Lazatnya petits filous ni. So yes, when I first saw Ak at the airport I thought that can't be him, it was a cross between Jesus and Ahmad bin Mohammed from Somalia. Arafat really burnt him, but his eyes, still bright as a button. Squeezed tight I heard him say "God never again am I going to leave you two for that long". I thought man I missed you so much and thank God for your safe return then I thought about Cinnabon for no apparent reason. Oh I know, it was 9 am and I didn't have chance to have breakfast. Bangun at 6, force feed Noah in his sleep, bundled him in the carseat, and off we went.

Ok let's move away from the gayness of missing one's husband. Ak's cough was pretty bad and Mummy's was no better. Mummy's voice was swanned actually and she looked like she could sleep anywhere. I love the look of mummy though, not sure what it was, the hijab? the calmness, the almost sorrowful look? Or was it just the Haj flu and lack of sleep?

I need to wrap a gift for Ak, well it's not for him, it's one of those secret Santa doohickeys they do at work. He got a jumper from his secret Santa so it's only fair that he returns the favour. I am going to let him give away one of my bottles and bottles of perfume. They are still in their boxes. Good as new, but do perfumes have expiry dates? I hope it hasn't morphed into something like cottage cheese.

So apart from the prayer mats, the Qurans, the funky home slippers (they are super snazzy), the Hilton slippers, and pretty little bracelets, we all got the ultimate gift from the Holy land lah ya, haj flu is the name.

Ahah! Look at that the magic of bluetooth. I am feeling particularly techie today although looking at sleeping Noah, I could probably do with a lesson on how to rotate a picture.

I didn’t think I could love another being this much. Scary.

Looking back I had it easy really. Even though the last 6 months has been a steep learning curve, it has also been kind. I didn’t think I’d cope that well by myself being a first time mom. Of course Ak was there being my rock and my star. Hmm…Ak a rockstar? (He is pretty good at guitar hero, no pun intended) I had my fair share of sleep deprivation but no more so than if I was working night shifts on the labour ward.

Last night Noah struggled to sleep on a bunged up nose. He’d drift off with his mouth open, breathing he tried, in and out, ( the gurgling sound was somehow soothing to me, knowing he was breathing). As he went deeper into his slumber, his mouth closed up and he’d try to breath through his nose and immediately fought for breaths and choke and struggled and he’d be fully awake screaming. Twice now he vomited his milk.

The screaming was very short lived. I’d rub his chest and he’ll drift off again and the cycle repeated itself. Whenever he felt my cold hand, (the heater is still broken), he would grab it quick and keep it on his chest. I felt needed, exclusively.

I was so scared that his mouth breathing mechanism would fail to kick in. He was so scared that I’d leave him he grabbed my hand so hard. He would try again and again and again to fall asleep. Thinking maybe, he is such a nuisance. Sorry Mommy I don’t mean to wake you up.

It’s ok sweetheart, for you I’d stay up the whole night. And stay up I did, to rub his tummy and to do intermittent chin lift.

Today, this zombie mummy struggled to get through the day, so we wrapped up warm and went to Costa coffee and it must be the dry freezing air that dried up his nose, he slept through my toated Panini, through the almond cake and hot chocolate. How else do I prepare for tonight?

Why is that woman staring at our table?

I was feeling pretty cut off from the whole Eidul Adha celebration. It’s just me and Noah this year. All by ourselves in this cold cold house. The heater’s decided to fall apart and I think my marrow is turning into phish fud.

When I tried to sound desperate on the phone to the maintenance people, they did a monkey on me and so I chose to ring them again when Noah was screaming halfway through his feed. He does this in the last two days because of the blocked nose. He feeds poorly, sleeps very badly at night and boy isn’t he grumpy when things don’t go his way. Last night his temperature was sky high and possibly his thermostat going must heat up Noah must heat up Noah and gave him a fever. I blame the lack of heat. I blame myself for not being pushy enough with the monkeys.

My poor little fella. Forgive mummy for being such a dufus.

And so…Noah’s daddy’s ran off with another woman to another country.

I know. You thought it’s forever when you say I do. * Scoff*
But they’re coming back in 6 days! * somersault Noah cepat yeaaa *

Eventhough this is Ak’s third time going to Haj, this time he has his mum to look after. Mother in law’s knees are getting athritic so they might be struggling a bit. But I so hope they do well.

I’m not sure how many times I thought about what good things I have done to deserve somebody like him. Makes me also think that true I don’t deserve him, so I have to prove my worthiness quick or risk losing him. Lose him how, I don’t know la how. It’s my fear. I just have it in my head that I am going to lose him unless I become super good super fast. On Eid itself Ak gave us a surprise call all the way from Mecca. I hate it when I sound excited on the phone, he might think I love him or something.

He didn’t sound good. Looks like he’s got a touch of cold as well. Maybe they just miss each other.

Eid Mubarak all.