BluE Scrubs

I didn’t think I could love another being this much. Scary.

Looking back I had it easy really. Even though the last 6 months has been a steep learning curve, it has also been kind. I didn’t think I’d cope that well by myself being a first time mom. Of course Ak was there being my rock and my star. Hmm…Ak a rockstar? (He is pretty good at guitar hero, no pun intended) I had my fair share of sleep deprivation but no more so than if I was working night shifts on the labour ward.

Last night Noah struggled to sleep on a bunged up nose. He’d drift off with his mouth open, breathing he tried, in and out, ( the gurgling sound was somehow soothing to me, knowing he was breathing). As he went deeper into his slumber, his mouth closed up and he’d try to breath through his nose and immediately fought for breaths and choke and struggled and he’d be fully awake screaming. Twice now he vomited his milk.

The screaming was very short lived. I’d rub his chest and he’ll drift off again and the cycle repeated itself. Whenever he felt my cold hand, (the heater is still broken), he would grab it quick and keep it on his chest. I felt needed, exclusively.

I was so scared that his mouth breathing mechanism would fail to kick in. He was so scared that I’d leave him he grabbed my hand so hard. He would try again and again and again to fall asleep. Thinking maybe, he is such a nuisance. Sorry Mommy I don’t mean to wake you up.

It’s ok sweetheart, for you I’d stay up the whole night. And stay up I did, to rub his tummy and to do intermittent chin lift.

Today, this zombie mummy struggled to get through the day, so we wrapped up warm and went to Costa coffee and it must be the dry freezing air that dried up his nose, he slept through my toated Panini, through the almond cake and hot chocolate. How else do I prepare for tonight?

Why is that woman staring at our table?