Saturday, February 26, 2011

Deep Blue Scrubbing

A bit troubled, to say the least. You know how you say InsyaAllah and Alhamdulillah in your daily conversations? I have to admit, I was not very proactive at saying them. I have to also admit that I used to always want to be in control, like I have all the power to make things done or not done or happens and not happening. A bit of a control freak some might say. Bossy others might add and gila kuasa others might mutter while coughing into their fists. To me for things to change we must change first and for things to get done properly, well- just do it yourself. Also I always thought that people who are saying these words reminding them of Allah are a little bit showy of how pious they are. I know I am forever shallow, Allah please guide me.

However, since these two entered my life, I am slowly succumbing to the fact that it is not all in my hands. Of courselah, Allah the All Mighty is forever all powerful and forever knowing what is best for us. Of course it's all in Allah's power. I find myself saying insyaAllah and Alhamdulillah these days. It helps that my Glee and Justin Bieber loving husband who knows very little malay apart from 'makan'-eat, 'sayang'-love, and 'mandi pancuran- shower' says them all the time, it didn't sound pretentious at all. (Dah makan sayang kenalah mandi pancuran?)

In the facebook world I am forced to get reacquainted again with people I used to know. Some have found peace and freedom in hijabs, some have forgotten how beautiful they looked with hijab on, some just simply still want to have fun. It is sneaky what I do when I go on facebook, you can do a lot of judging by how people dress, language people use and things that people hold of importance. Some are so good Alhamdulillah, I want to be like them. But I have to bear in mind that like CNN and BBC, it's what people report and publish. What they want people to see and the impression that they want people to get of them. Who knows that bikini clad once hijabi girl is actually working on memorizing and understanding the Quran. We don't know but judging is so very easy to do. Allah knows all.

I am a work in progress and I am desperate to better myself. My emaan is up and down and I feel something is missing, missing bad. I want to feel light in my heart and buzzing in my head. I want to be constantly fearful of that day when I cease to breath. Cease to live, leave those I love so very much behind. Ish takutlah. Sempat ke Mummy nak tengok you all grad, Hana get married and Noah pass his driving test?

My du'a is that please Allah show us all the right path, make us good muslimah, daughters, wives and mothers. Ameen.

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