Thursday, December 25, 2014


I am not sure why today particularly, but as I sit here, putting the last stitch on that rip on my jeans, listening to the rythmic sound of my third child breathing through the Tommy baby monitor..I just felt an overwheming sense of gratefulness that I just need to word this feeling.

Its like looking up to the heavens above with shards of raindrops jarring down, in organized commotion in hypersilence, such that it rings in my ear. The smell is fresh, I am soaked through, its almost painful ..but its all a big gift and I thank you,
 for listening to my prayer,
I am sinful and I am full of remorse,
how is all that forgiven?
I am overflowing, such is your power.
Thank you, how could I not be grateful.

What a shame, I need to ask for more.

Show me how oh my Lord, how I could not drown in them, while I am still trapped in this time space existance.

Monday, April 01, 2013

Wah lamanya tak tulis dalam blog ni. Wait let's see if it is still working. Testing 1,2,3.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Learning without thought is labour lost; thought without learning is perilous

-Confucius 551-479 BC

Sunday, February 27, 2011

What we do on Thursdays.

I am an Indalay yeeba yeeba poiret boy and I am going to eat a big scary fish for tea. Arrrrrrrr me harty.

We have been going to this SureStart children center for a while now. It's called the LittleOwl. First time we went there, you met this boy called Thomas. You guys didn't waste anytime playing alongside each other, then together. You got on like a house on fire. It helps I guess that you were both wearing exactly the same Thomas the tank engine jacket. Icebreaker- nice. The next week he didn't come and you kept on asking about him, you are very good with names.

Hana, you were busy putting things in your mouth and shaking things to see if all is intact. You get bizarre excitement seeing things fall apart if you shake them really hard. The more terburai the thing is the harder you squeal. To date you still only have one tooth at the bottom and it makes it easy to tell if things been bitten by a mouse or you.

On that note, Mummy has been trying really hard to get you weighed Hana, because the last time we did that you just started eating and you were 8.5 kilos or so. It didn't look nice on the redbook chart because you went down a centile line. The trouble is you two always berak berjemaah and usually Hana berak the messiest all up the back. It's usually the silent ones without grunts and cherry red face. The ones with lots of noises usually come out very pretty like a cupcake. I like those ones.

This always happens around 9:30 am and that's when they do the strip and weigh the babies on Thursdays and by the time I sort both of you out and get you in the car, it's 10 and it didn't feel worth going there anymore. Plus the in-house paediatrician said "She looks fiiiiiine". I might not trust your Dad in the kitchen but his words are reassuring. Also I am getting cramps in my arm when I carry you around while trying to heat up dinner because that's the time when you like being on my hip. So you must be putting on weight. Wait. InsyaAllah.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Deep Blue Scrubbing

A bit troubled, to say the least. You know how you say InsyaAllah and Alhamdulillah in your daily conversations? I have to admit, I was not very proactive at saying them. I have to also admit that I used to always want to be in control, like I have all the power to make things done or not done or happens and not happening. A bit of a control freak some might say. Bossy others might add and gila kuasa others might mutter while coughing into their fists. To me for things to change we must change first and for things to get done properly, well- just do it yourself. Also I always thought that people who are saying these words reminding them of Allah are a little bit showy of how pious they are. I know I am forever shallow, Allah please guide me.

However, since these two entered my life, I am slowly succumbing to the fact that it is not all in my hands. Of courselah, Allah the All Mighty is forever all powerful and forever knowing what is best for us. Of course it's all in Allah's power. I find myself saying insyaAllah and Alhamdulillah these days. It helps that my Glee and Justin Bieber loving husband who knows very little malay apart from 'makan'-eat, 'sayang'-love, and 'mandi pancuran- shower' says them all the time, it didn't sound pretentious at all. (Dah makan sayang kenalah mandi pancuran?)

In the facebook world I am forced to get reacquainted again with people I used to know. Some have found peace and freedom in hijabs, some have forgotten how beautiful they looked with hijab on, some just simply still want to have fun. It is sneaky what I do when I go on facebook, you can do a lot of judging by how people dress, language people use and things that people hold of importance. Some are so good Alhamdulillah, I want to be like them. But I have to bear in mind that like CNN and BBC, it's what people report and publish. What they want people to see and the impression that they want people to get of them. Who knows that bikini clad once hijabi girl is actually working on memorizing and understanding the Quran. We don't know but judging is so very easy to do. Allah knows all.

I am a work in progress and I am desperate to better myself. My emaan is up and down and I feel something is missing, missing bad. I want to feel light in my heart and buzzing in my head. I want to be constantly fearful of that day when I cease to breath. Cease to live, leave those I love so very much behind. Ish takutlah. Sempat ke Mummy nak tengok you all grad, Hana get married and Noah pass his driving test?

My du'a is that please Allah show us all the right path, make us good muslimah, daughters, wives and mothers. Ameen.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

There is usually an impetus to starting a blog. For example, birth of a precious baby, weddings and the debacle associated with preparing a wedding, travelling to places where the people they meet or make fun of can't actually get on the internet to read about what people write about them and the last one is of course the need for audience.

Sad and lame, but the truth is I think I fall into the last category. I started writing when I was (what felt like) nobody, thrown in the deepest end doing something (to me then) exciting, constantly in awe at everything that was going on around me. So much so that you want to go "look at that woooooww'. Only then there was nobody to do that to.

Now, so much is going on around me that still awes me but there is just not enough time to stop and go wow for too long. Like when Hana one morning decided to translocate herself from the bottom of the couch to right in front of the TV. That was definitely a wow moment.

I sometimes pretend to sleep... A little person then will come and go "wakey shakey mummyyyyyyyyyyy".

Auhhh my head.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Have you had it?

It's 2 pm, those two are down for a nap and hopefully they will wake up before the sun disappears. The sun sets at around 4pm today. At the rate we are going, nobody gets any sun. I want to make a snowman kata Noah. Baiklah baiklah promised Mummynya yang dah pening cari gloves anaknya yang tak jumpa jumpa. Konon also Noah ni, if I let him, he would sleep for 4 hours and wake up crankier than cranky the crane.

I asked my mum again today if I have had chicken pox. She is still not sure. The first time I asked her, was when I got pregnant the first time and she said she wasn't sure. My thought was how la tak ingat, surely thoughts like habisla hodoh anak aku naik bintat bintat di muka or eh biji biji apa di badan anakku ni, best jugak kalau picit picit macam bubble wrapper, crossed a mum's mind. Now that Hana is going through a bintat bintat period, I realized it can be quite mild. Can be missed completely. I hope she doesn't get worse.

Noah was going through it on the second week of November. He was in a pretty bad shape.He was off food, vomiting, spiking temperature at night at one point I thought he was going to fit. He was delerious on and off. Good thing about Noah is he is an abiding patient. Cukup time he downed the paracetamol and water and terkulat kulat trying not to vomit. One time he tried but it came out through his nose. You've got to give it to the boy for trying.

On the same week we were planning to potty train him. It seems a little bit mean but we just had to start because he was beginning to look strange with the nappy on, like they don't get along, so we blitz through the chicken pox we did. We couldn't leave the house anyway.

Result? Oh boy he was so ready to be out of the nappies because after two days he was asking for the potty even when the nappy is on at night. Tad bit guilty for keep pushing it back. I blame it on Hana, she takes forever to finish feeding. How lah Mummy nak basuh berak Noah kan. I am glad though, he got some enjoyment out of the bintat and potty mark on his bottom period. Who doesn't like star stickers and Mr. Kipling cake slices? They are the key to successful potty training in 3 days. Rasuah tee hee.

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