Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Mine against time

I have a bit of time to write today. Which is also true for many other days but most of the time, the moment didn’t last long enough for me to get to the notebook at home on time. One could say, I now sleep with my notebook. Because it gives me heat and the bed is now big enough for two.

Actually the house is big enough for two. The spare room is rented out. I let a girl to occupy it. She is very and really nice, I would have her for a sister.

Her room is facing the back garden and beyond that, just trees and some more trees. One could say that there are other houses behind those trees and bushes, but from where I normally observe the greeneries, it looks rather jungly but trustworthy. So I never put curtains in her room. Until one night I was washing up in the kitchen and when I looked up, the darkness was just glaring and the scent of the lilly candle couldn’t distract my fear of this black envelope consuming me fast.

I bought curtain rods the next day and drilled my walls. When that was done, she took out curtains from her underbed storage. She wanted the curtains up all along and must have been waiting and waiting and she didn’t pester me about it. Am I inadequate beyond reasons, or what. How selfish of me. And for all that time, I am glad the darkness was not as beasty to her as it was to me.

I am smitten actually. I get to ride my cycle to work everyday now. It takes me about 20 minutes, just enough to break into cold sweat. Enough to redden the tip of my nose and my cheeks. Enough to have a completely detached time from the abusive demanding beginning of the day. I would think about things. In those cold breeze of lazy start of foggy October mornings, my mind rabbits under the spotlight. I would think about things that are normal and mundane. But put into a perspective of how it is going to be in the next 5 years, fear I felt started hitchhiking on my back, dragging me and vectoring me out.

Things that I am happy with now will not work out in 5 years time. Which would I choose, my heart my soul or my family. My joy my companion or my family. My rock or my family. Why can’t things be easy and why not let people be as long as they love each other.

Skin colour…
I love you, so
Why ?

My sentiment exactly, why?
Selamat Hari Raya woman :)
Entahlah err... apa nama you? Najmie? Entahlah Naj.

If you put things in one perspective only, i.e. only on this Earth, then nothing is wrong as long as you are happy and you are not hurt.

But if you put things in another perspective, from the religion point of view (I see you have relegated 'religion' to just another subset in the grand perspective of things (others would see that religion *is* the grand perspective that oversee all other things)), then you would have to answer to all the parameters and questions the religion that you professed you professes.

Otherwise, what is the point of professing in a religion, if we want to dictate our own wants and needs into the interpretation of the religion? Perhaps it is time to find another religion, or better still, make your own religion?

That Supreme Being some people called ALLAH (God by any other name would still smell as authoritative) says, if we are not satisfied with Him, then please find another 'world' to live in, a world that does not subject itself to the dominion of a god.

It is perfectly okay to fall in love (and out of love) with anyone, a rock, a stone, a paper or a scissor, anything one fancy. But it is not okay to ask for a waiver clause just to placate our conscience.

Ingat nak cakap ni je tadi:

Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin.

fidie's self portrait for her rob. mat salleh counterpart she's been with.

husband of unfaithful wife
am? fidie? fidie? am? u see guys... I know you guys. So err. Ok i get it. it's funny joke. or is it not? (please e-mail me properly and let me know what's going on? I don't like it when married people use these words- unfaithful, mat salleh, been with, gives me chills)
Dilemmas Naj.

1. Religion.. (Faith/Spiritual)
2. Skin colour…(Race)
3. Black..white..brown (Culture?)
4. I love you, so1 (Heart)
5. Family (Society)
6. Time

Just think about:
1. which one you most can/ cannot live without.
2. which one biggest risk
3. which one biggest gain
4. which one most reliable
5. which one you want most
6. which want you need most

Tools you can use to help urself:
1. Logics
2. Points
3. Experience
4. Advice

A heartless and void of humanity point of view. However somewhat efficient trouble-shooting and neutral...
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