Sunday, October 09, 2005
Miss Siti and Sahur
Goosebumps enveloped my forearms and back of my neck. Could either be the buttery honey sweetness of Miss Siti’s voice passive excavation of some genial memories of sahur with Mr.Sweetie-Caller or it was just extra chilly this morning. Either one, had to put bit more clothes on to sahur.
Some random collaboration between Miss Siti and sahur, gave me flashbacks,
He had Miss Siti’s CD. It’s just been released.
“Have this CD. I am not her biggest fan. You are”
Miss Siti was coming to Royal Albert.
“Do you know Siti is coming to London? I’ll book the tickets”
It was breaking fast time. The year was 2000. A few days later will be the Millenium.
“Sorry I didn’t wake you till now, you looked so peaceful. Come the food is ready”.
It was sahur time.
Knock.Knock.
“Come, the food is ready”
Of his words not related to sahur or Miss Siti.
“I was walking along ________, and saw this. Thought you might like it”.
“I left something by the door. I didn’t want to disturb you”.
“I’ve made you something. I’ve left it at the hospital reception”.
“ I heard that you are not well, so I sent you these.”
“Where are you? stay there, I’ll come and get you.”
"How are you going to get there? Do you want me to send you?"
Many many more…but those were the days.
….
Never did he treat me wrong.
Never did he take advantage of me.
Never did he ask for anything, other than to see a smile on my face which much near the coda, after many repeated chorus, translated to, to be loved in return. I don't blame him.
You’ve set such a high standard; I am beginning to lose faith in men.
Then people ask, so why not him?
I said this once before, it’s like being landed with a diamond. So perfect so priceless, it makes you feel like a princess. But I, don’t feel like I deserve a diamond. Maybe all I ever wanted was just a Cubic Zirconia, because I was never brought up with luxuries. I feel silly if I have to buy things without SALE written all over and the initial price slashed and slashed again. I feel guilty if I spend too much on myself.
The bigger the rock the better they say, but what if for some reason, I just could not appreciate the shine and glitter from the diamond. No matter how big, no matter how sparklingly blinding it is. Money doesn’t buy love, they say, I wish it’s not true.
On the other side of the coin, fair enough he makes you feel like a princess but could you ever make him feel like a King in return. I doubt my ability. Treating somebody well and deservingly, is not wholly depending upon who you inherently are, it depends very much on who the person you’re with as well.
It has to come from the heart, and if it doesn’t, it will not work out. Heart tells brain, no love, brain tells body, don’t show love. Cold and distant. If pressured into explaining, one might get annoyed and challenged. Everything that the other person does might become an annoyance. Can you tell, that this is how you turn a man into a stalker, a woman into a bunny boiler.
It’ll just bring the worse out of two people instead. And two what looked like best friends to begin with will fall out and things become sour, and decompose and yucky and messy and not even nice to look at.
You can’t force love; it’s either there or not there. It’s all or nothing. I don’t believe you have to wait for love to creep into a courtship or friendship. If you’re made to wait for the other to reciprocate, think again about pursuing the very person. It might never be a happy ending.
I have with all my heart accepted that I am heartless and tight with my honesty. All the time that I was nice and trying my best not to hurt anybody, I was charged guilty of leading him on, but when I finally confronted my own feelings during emotional upheaval, that I have no feelings of that capacity, apart from immense respect and admiration, I am a heartless bitch, perempuan sial some might say..
A girl could never win. Same as when a girl slept with half of a dormitory, she’s a slut, but a boy who slept with half the town, he’s paraded as a hero, everybody wants to be him and touch him.
It’s a lifetime experience which hopefully one goes through only once. I wouldn’t know how to handle it differently but I never meant to hurt anybody. I thought I was doing the right thing. It’s hard to break a heart. I dreaded breaking his heart.
It frustrates me that being rejected feels awful. But it frustrates me more that nobody understands what it takes to reject somebody. You can reject anybody, but not that somebody.
I have an unflattering explanation of why some of us fall for one man and not the other. Or vice versa. I got it off a book. I’ve been reading around because I have been trying to understand why I am attracted to losers and I let down diamonds.
1.will to life (don’t correct me, it’s not will to live)
2.procreation of children
3.the father figure in your life
But it has to wait for next time, my eyes are heavy, the room is tad bit drafty, and it’s Sunday anyway. I know this post has no humour, I don’t feel funny today.
Flippin’ eck how did it get this long.
