BluE Scrubs

We don’t always give ourselves the credits we deserve, the man said. And he sounded genuine as well, but would anybody listen to Dr. Rompy Pompy?

I was sitting across Dr. Rompy Pompy having coffee after putting a combined spinal epidural (CSE) in a patient for total hip replacement. He was telling me that since I got my ass pinned to do the Advance Life Support (ALS) course next month, I should make a fuss and aim to be an instructor while I am at it. The flippin thing expired 3 months ago and there is no such thing as a refresher course. Can you flippin believe it? I guess not. But..Me? An instructor? But..yeahbutnobutyeahbutnobutyeah.

I might not look scary enough to be an instructor, but I am old enough to be one. The thing is, would people take me seriously? Imagine standing in front of a hall full of people saying things like ok doctors, this is how you blow into somebody’s mouth and this is how you do the chest compressions. Everybody will be watching me kneeling over, French kissing the dummy and humping cardiac massage. Not knowing that in my head, there is this clever mechanism of autoplay steamy scenes from Basic Instinct installed. I hate to think I’ll crack up in the middle and blow off the whole thing completely. I have this propensity to do so.

I’d probably do things wrong as well and TEACH complete porkies to these doctors. Worse thing is I’d probably not notice until everybody gone silent and start nudging each other.

They won’t take me seriously. Only today the theatre nurses were talking about putting me in bed instead of the patient judging from the rate I was hacking the volatile cough. Oh did I mention? I have been unwell with cough and cold. Absolutely bunged up but hey, as long as I can stand and I can see the veins, never mind if my eyes are red, my head are buzzing, my joints are aching, my legs are shaking and at the end of a coughing fit my face looks like a baboon’s pink ass, don’t put me in bed. Don't even give me a day off. I’m fine. F.I.N.E

Len the ODA didn’t take me seriously, I told him I’ll be in the coffee room after the patient was positioned on the operating table and he said ‘Don’t worry as long as you’re still coughing, we’ll find you’. Earlier I said ‘Could I have Morphine please’, and he said ‘You should cut down Naj’.

The patient didn’t take me seriously. I told him there will be a lot of pushing and feeling of your back before I stick the needle in and he replied, No worries, as long it’s by a pretty young lady like you. He’s lucky he’s got a broken hip and not so many teeth left otherwise I would have sumpit him with needles. I don’t attack cripples, defenceless men or men without weapons. It’s cruel.

Dr. Rompy Pompy said, just be yourself because you will make any room brighter. Pause. I don’t want to be cocky but, he’s not exactly a straight talker from my limited experience. His eyes also seemed to occasionally found a comfortable rhythm in stealing small purposeful glances at the tip of my bluescrubs V.

But what he said next, I suppose is justifiable. Because of you, I now have 3 proposals for the house. You’re smart for a young girl. I like the first bit, but young girl?

He is leaving for another hospital for a better managerial post you see, as he’s been the Head of Resuscitation Training in the region for a while. Long while. I suppose the more people you know the more you can be picky about where you want to work. So, he needed to sell the house. What I did was, a little bit of clicking here and there on the www in attempt to put his house on the internet as House To Let. I was only doing it because he described the internet to me as a human eating machine/ghost. Now he can leave his house with a piece of mind that it will pay him money and get looked after as well. No need to sell. Aren’t we all chuffed now.

Anyhow, I hope he’s right and if the man himself feels I am a potential candidate, whyyyy not lah. Give it my kick ass shot.

Perhaps, we all could turn up to this ALS course with some sort of a character we like, because to be honest everything in it is very dry. I don’t think people pay much attention after half an hour. We need to spice up a little. If you turn up as Elektra for example, my idea is apart from bossing people around and kicking baby doctors’ asses you could also just sit down and look cool with your swords. But being Elektra is risky, I don’t like being identified so I need a mask. Catwoman would be a safer option, plus there will be a lot of floor action.

Some of the male instructors can role play. ‘Batman has been struck by lightning and was found not breathing with no pulse by Catwoman. Catwoman spotted a livewire by his feet. Tell us Catwoman how would YOU approach this disaster’.

Ehem. Meooowww…Purrrrr. (Crawling over Batman).

I need more cough syrup.



permission not obtained to reproduce this picture, please don't put me in jail or ask money from me, I am happy to do odd jobs.