Thursday, June 23, 2005
Padan muka
Lower than low.
So many things kept barging into current existence demanding explanations and perfections. Allegedly, I let them down. I am not compassionate. I hurt people, I don't care enough. I am not a good friend.
How can you be friends when there is something more always expected out of you?
I am not perfect. I suck at saying no, at dealing with the opposite sex. I should feel bad about myself, and I do.
One thing standing proud by me still is my family. For a moment, as I was waking up a patient just now, I thought hard about how happy they were when I was around and how happy I was when I was back home.
But, something that happened recently made me feel even worse about how I've taken some people for granted.
I have been spending more and more time deep in my convoluted thoughts. My ODA asked a question as I pulled out the LMA from the 92 year old lady's gaping mouth.
My reply: No, it’s wrist. She then with puzzled face said, that’s what I asked Naj, next patient is for MUA wrist isn't it?
No it’s wrist, is a bit of a demented reply. I had no control over my mind anymore.
They broke into laughing fits, I laughed but deep inside I felt like a cut is bleeding sorrow, tamponading by my determination to be ok, to look ok and to sound ok. Somebody’s got to do this job and I better have my mind where it should be.
At KLIA airport last week, I felt the whole configuration of people, things, seats, toilets, cafes, McDonalds, check in counters, the 35 km luggage conveyer belt, were set up so the story of my life continues. My frustration was amplified to the size of Petronas twin Tower. I kept looking at my mobile phone. No calls.
I waited till an hour before departure. Nothing. Nobody was there to send me off. The one person wasn’t there.
Used,
Tricked,
Trapped,
Fooled,
‘Salah ke I tak hantar you kat airport, semua benda I nak kena buat untuk you ke?’
‘How much time you want me to spend with you? Tak cukup cukup lagi ke?’
aduh...
…tak salah,
… cukup,
…sorry I asked…
So many things kept barging into current existence demanding explanations and perfections. Allegedly, I let them down. I am not compassionate. I hurt people, I don't care enough. I am not a good friend.
How can you be friends when there is something more always expected out of you?
I am not perfect. I suck at saying no, at dealing with the opposite sex. I should feel bad about myself, and I do.
One thing standing proud by me still is my family. For a moment, as I was waking up a patient just now, I thought hard about how happy they were when I was around and how happy I was when I was back home.
But, something that happened recently made me feel even worse about how I've taken some people for granted.
I have been spending more and more time deep in my convoluted thoughts. My ODA asked a question as I pulled out the LMA from the 92 year old lady's gaping mouth.
My reply: No, it’s wrist. She then with puzzled face said, that’s what I asked Naj, next patient is for MUA wrist isn't it?
No it’s wrist, is a bit of a demented reply. I had no control over my mind anymore.
They broke into laughing fits, I laughed but deep inside I felt like a cut is bleeding sorrow, tamponading by my determination to be ok, to look ok and to sound ok. Somebody’s got to do this job and I better have my mind where it should be.
At KLIA airport last week, I felt the whole configuration of people, things, seats, toilets, cafes, McDonalds, check in counters, the 35 km luggage conveyer belt, were set up so the story of my life continues. My frustration was amplified to the size of Petronas twin Tower. I kept looking at my mobile phone. No calls.
I waited till an hour before departure. Nothing. Nobody was there to send me off. The one person wasn’t there.
Used,
Tricked,
Trapped,
Fooled,
‘Salah ke I tak hantar you kat airport, semua benda I nak kena buat untuk you ke?’
‘How much time you want me to spend with you? Tak cukup cukup lagi ke?’
aduh...
…tak salah,
… cukup,
…sorry I asked…
