Monday, February 21, 2005
Lub Dup ..Lub Dup.
I couldn’t believe I survived.
When I cracked a joke about the water cooler at the beginning of the presentation, I was actually praying hard that nobody saw my hands shaking, about to throw a focal fit. Maybe somebody noticed that the mouse pointer was a bit unsteady.
I didn’t feel like I was ready to start but everything around me was in a standstill, everybody was seated, steaming coffee in yellow Sevoflurane mugs scattered across the horse shoe table, half eaten sandwhiches dotted the pine table on soggy paper plates gaping at me as if waiting for me to get into the gear and action.
Those eyes looking at me, every gestures under scrutiny, and for a moment I realized I was the only girl..woman..lady. All three but I was the only one.
My mouth was dry beyond description. I felt like being pushed off a cliff, against my will. I couldn’t possibly start, but I found myself starting, but rather like a cogwheel. Rickety, unsteady, really didn’t feel like doing it. I clicked on the file against the integrity of the corpus collosum.
The first slide had an uploaded picture of a mummified patient suffered from whole body burn on a dialysis machine. Everybody got sucked into the picture, nobody looked at me. The distraction worked. Good. What a relief that was, like a weight being lifted off, now is a good chance to map out how I should start my sentence.
Quick, quick think of a good opening sentence. Why am I so nervous anyway today. Done this many times. Never felt this nervous.
I felt inadequate, unresourceful. Anytime I could say something wrong, it’s up to me,
do I screw this or do I do it right. What could be worse than losing my train of thoughts and just read it off the power point? There’s always that trick.
What time is it?
Even before I could compute my own question,
Good morning, no..good afternoon everybody.
I heard myself saying. Completely the wrong foot in a pile of buffalo dunk. Some monkey faces on the right laughed quietly. Ooo great.
With me, a bad start will just snowball into something either completely humiliating or just simply a disaster. Felt the adrenaline of quadruple strength hijacked my whole body, so surreal, I was high but a bit woozy. My heart was beating so hard and so fast I felt it trying to breakout from the pericardium.
At times my eyes became cloudy, a bit like the windscreen misting when I sit in the car waiting for the engine to warm up after a night being left out in the cold December night.
At times I choked and cleared my throat. Many times I stuttered, these words didn’t help;
Preliminary (4 attempts)
Acute Interstitial Nephropathy (3 attempts)
Suppression of reflex vasoconstrictive responses – (in one breath and mean it)
And many others which I immediately cleared off my STM –short term memory centre to conserve my mental capacity to fuel the exhausting sail through the sea of suicide.
Suddenly…my handphone rang!!! Tettetetettetetetttetetetettetetetettetetetetetetet
Dr. McN was intrigued. I kept a straight face.
Please stop. Why didn’t I switch it off?
“Is that your phone Naj?”
He looked surprisingly impressed with my clever selection of ring tone.
I pretended as if it was Dr. G who'd just farted, something that could happen anytime, completely normal, but it was so obvious, this.
The boys nearest to me on my right pointed that my bag is now jiggling. Oh no…it’s on vibration mode as well…
I ended the presentation with a question on current discussion in the journal. Volatile it was, the big bosses lost themselves in a heated debate, I quietly crawled to the back to pinch a few sarnies.
I sneaked out to the annexx, leaving the stirred seminar room to seek comfort in Pauline the secretary. Her room was so cosy and she doesn't make me nervous.
When I cracked a joke about the water cooler at the beginning of the presentation, I was actually praying hard that nobody saw my hands shaking, about to throw a focal fit. Maybe somebody noticed that the mouse pointer was a bit unsteady.
I didn’t feel like I was ready to start but everything around me was in a standstill, everybody was seated, steaming coffee in yellow Sevoflurane mugs scattered across the horse shoe table, half eaten sandwhiches dotted the pine table on soggy paper plates gaping at me as if waiting for me to get into the gear and action.
Those eyes looking at me, every gestures under scrutiny, and for a moment I realized I was the only girl..woman..lady. All three but I was the only one.
My mouth was dry beyond description. I felt like being pushed off a cliff, against my will. I couldn’t possibly start, but I found myself starting, but rather like a cogwheel. Rickety, unsteady, really didn’t feel like doing it. I clicked on the file against the integrity of the corpus collosum.
The first slide had an uploaded picture of a mummified patient suffered from whole body burn on a dialysis machine. Everybody got sucked into the picture, nobody looked at me. The distraction worked. Good. What a relief that was, like a weight being lifted off, now is a good chance to map out how I should start my sentence.
Quick, quick think of a good opening sentence. Why am I so nervous anyway today. Done this many times. Never felt this nervous.
I felt inadequate, unresourceful. Anytime I could say something wrong, it’s up to me,
do I screw this or do I do it right. What could be worse than losing my train of thoughts and just read it off the power point? There’s always that trick.
What time is it?
Even before I could compute my own question,
Good morning, no..good afternoon everybody.
I heard myself saying. Completely the wrong foot in a pile of buffalo dunk. Some monkey faces on the right laughed quietly. Ooo great.
With me, a bad start will just snowball into something either completely humiliating or just simply a disaster. Felt the adrenaline of quadruple strength hijacked my whole body, so surreal, I was high but a bit woozy. My heart was beating so hard and so fast I felt it trying to breakout from the pericardium.
At times my eyes became cloudy, a bit like the windscreen misting when I sit in the car waiting for the engine to warm up after a night being left out in the cold December night.
At times I choked and cleared my throat. Many times I stuttered, these words didn’t help;
Preliminary (4 attempts)
Acute Interstitial Nephropathy (3 attempts)
Suppression of reflex vasoconstrictive responses – (in one breath and mean it)
And many others which I immediately cleared off my STM –short term memory centre to conserve my mental capacity to fuel the exhausting sail through the sea of suicide.
Suddenly…my handphone rang!!! Tettetetettetetetttetetetettetetetettetetetetetetet
Dr. McN was intrigued. I kept a straight face.
Please stop. Why didn’t I switch it off?
“Is that your phone Naj?”
He looked surprisingly impressed with my clever selection of ring tone.
I pretended as if it was Dr. G who'd just farted, something that could happen anytime, completely normal, but it was so obvious, this.
The boys nearest to me on my right pointed that my bag is now jiggling. Oh no…it’s on vibration mode as well…
I ended the presentation with a question on current discussion in the journal. Volatile it was, the big bosses lost themselves in a heated debate, I quietly crawled to the back to pinch a few sarnies.
I sneaked out to the annexx, leaving the stirred seminar room to seek comfort in Pauline the secretary. Her room was so cosy and she doesn't make me nervous.
