BluE Scrubs

Right! That’s it. I am not going anywhere near that bed. I‘ve been tossing turning scratching, touching, pulling my hair, imagining I was reading Peck and William pharmacology book but my eyes are like those women in labour. Absolutely Impossible!!

Sleep already lah !!! Grrrrrrr. So this is what it feels like to work night shifts and granted a peaceful quiet night. Ungrateful comes to mind? My guess is it's a combination of depleted melatonin with a touch of caffein intoxication and constant larger than life buzzing in the head. I have just finished reading a blog , recent post on that very subject, relationships, so I blame you, as well.

I don’t have any clever things to say about it, apart from when love comes knocking, it’s normally at the time I least expect. Then later on, the practicality of embarking on a relationship is what paralyses me most. I never get it right.

The fatuity of the subject matter is over exaggerated when one talks outside the time frame of being in one or just about to leave the circumference of one. It hurts like hell. It’s like taking a great big punch in and stall it by absorbing all of that energy into every single bones and joints that you have to as far as the vertebrae and causing some micro disruption to the nerve roots, hence sending shockwave of an electric current to all the muscles in your limbs.


It renders catatonia and intermittent fixation of the fovea to an object possibly least attractive to most people, for very long time as though that is the most interesting thing that’s happening at the time, and this you do to a point you feel locked in and sick to your eyeballs.


You seem to look alive on the outside, your chest moves up and down, you breath in and out, you blink, but in the inside nobody dares talk about the pain until the bleeding tamponades, escape beats from the heart settles and you connect to your expandable self again, just in case you spontaneously combust when you do it at the actual onset time of the insult.

That I suppose is true for any situation which involves a hope being shattered, a dream denied and one’s rights withdrawn. It’s dilapidating to say the least.

I personally see that, when all that happens, I find solitude in the things natural to me. Earlier, the snowflakes which came down like confetti, conjured the most melancholic verse out of my existence. I was tempted to do hourly urine output measurement just in case I was bridging into the red zone of dehydration.


The Indon boyband song was playing in the background and it was all staged as if to sooth the heaving agony that I was feeling at the time. Gwe fikir judulnya itu Berhenti Berharap, bikin perasaan Gwe gedek banget. Of course it didn’t coax any certainty that it will be better the next time.

Rachael, my Filipino single mother to a 12 year old boy, friend, said earlier today, I mean yesterday, aiyo it’s morning already, that maybe because caring as a profession makes us more malleable to the bashing, the battering, the crap, the lies, the made up stories that people give us. So much so you couldn’t see that the person who utters the words of love and affection is actually walking all over you. She does have a point there.

Whatever it is, one shouldn’t love somebody too much for the only being that has the right of that is our Creator. When two people share the love for this one being, they will synchronize everything in their lives all in the name of improving themselves, towards becoming a better person to each other. This I think is the only way that two people who swear love to each other could stay in love till death do them part.


Love after certain age is not going to be fuelled by beauty, smooth skin, firm buttocks, juicy lips and Bambi eyes. All that will be gone and what remains is what makes you stand each other. Good words, tolerance, faith, truth, praises and smiles. I might have left out some other qualities, pardon me but I have been vigil for more than 24 hours and my middle name is khaiessa. I have a strong suspicion that none of these make any sense.

This is so not a good idea to kill insomnia. I now feel like running around naked in the snow and feel completely reborn with ying on my right hand and yang on the other and chi dissipated from my belly button, all over again.


I have so much energy I can impress Miss Nana Tilaka with 1500m round the track so she can stop calling me siput,. (A joke only a TKCian will understand). Something is wrong, I feel a sudden rush. Unbreak my heart, please.

p/s: I have so much things to write but I don’t want to tarnish the image of doctors elsewhere in the world (god bless you all) being busy busy no time to do this that or anything, rush rush here rush rush there, so I better really stop typing what’s in my head.

I am sure this is just a phase precipitated from another blog, like a domino effect or maybe just like sending waves down a swimming pool from two points. You get big waves where they agree with the frequency and ripple bigger and bigger. Ermm..ok really stopping now. Good night.