BluE Scrubs

I couldn’t possibly sleep in that on- call room tonight. Apparently Sarah said that the maintenance people have been at it the whole day. Drilling, knocking, bashing and god knows what else, and it’s really dusty.


The last time she popped her head in there, it was smoking and she had a coughing fit. My bronchi aren’t exactly feeling tough at the moment, don’t think it can hack it, had better stay well away.

Kevin handed over 2 patients tonight.

Look at those empty beds.

One with a tracheostomy (tube in the neck for breathing) and the other in shock, bleeding from a stomach ulcer, which means he could misbehave tonight.

As we were volleying some blood results and how many units of bloods he’s had, an 86 year old man just came off the table, and wheeled in from the OR next door. His burst main pipe repaired (abdominal aortic aneurysm). This surgery carries a high mortality rate, especially in that age range.

He had all tubes in all orifices, but still exsanguinating from everywhere. Blood pooling in the mouth, nose, trickling from the wound and oozing from his rectum (bum hole). In the OR he’d been given 17 units of blood altogether and FFP (clotting stuff), and he’s still oozing. We all know that this guy is not going to survive.

Why is he taken to here (ICU) then? To garnish the successful surgery on a futile subject? Kevin thoughts were similar to mine, they shouldn’t have operated in the first place. We all know with a heart like that and a ruptured AAA (abdominal aortic aneurysm) he’s just not going to pull through. Maybe it’s a good practice for the surgeon? Who is actually in denial? Are we staging something? If yes, for who?

We let the family see him on the machine as a living person before switching it off. I hate this bit about my job, it makes a sharp twinge in my chest. I don’t think having a hand chopped off is as painful as this.

Pupils fixed dilated, unreactive
No reflections
No heart sounds on auscultation
No respiratory effort
No response to pain stimuli
I declare ___________ deceased at 21:51
May he RIP

I felt numb.

My perception about death has taken a complete 180 degrees.

Death is inevitable, it’s certain, will happen, and everybody has to go through it.

One has to die of something, at some point. Let it go.

I used to get hugs from the nurses when something like this happened, but my goofy face didn’t get any sympathy tonight. Sarah brought in what looked like half of a big cake.

Cake? What are we celebrating? Somebody just died? Mereka ni dah tak makan saman betul..


Sometimes I couldn’t keep up with these nurses. I know they've overdosed themselves with death but I am not quite. Sarah told me to grow up and shove a big piece of cake on a paper plate and said that I should just have some cake (and put on some weight) and swallow the grief with it. Started talking about last night's TV program.

I pushed the thoughts of death at the back of my mind. The cake was horrible. Angie sat opposite me telling us about one of her friends who is a ‘madam’, a ‘lady of the night’ and how she herself had been tempted and lured to get £2500 in a night. Shocking!! We couldn't believe Angie would do something like that. Her reply was,

Well, life is a big tapestry. *Grin*

Conversation dissipated into what our names mean when they realized my face was turning tomato colour.

Angie- the angel
Linda-the pretty one
Sarah-something that is completely not her, and I can’t remember
Kelly-the clever one

All eyes on me when Kelly keyed in my name which later produced nought result.

Duhhh! What do you expect?

Like a grandmother telling a fairytale at bedtime, told them that the root of my name is Najm which means a star, which is also a verse in the Quran. Never seen a bunch of nurses so interested in a subject different to sex, men and money.

Angie was completely blown away by my description about how in the Quran there are some verses which talk about honey, bees and ants. Remind self to find a translated Quran for her. She’s turning 38 next week. Somehow my vision of demure Angie donning a 'tudung' was captured in high pixels.

Sipped the tea Kelly made in a polka dot mug which apparently had some stains around the rim. Kelly has a birthmark on her neck which looks like a hickie. Took me 3 weeks to finally get that one. She caught me staring one day which was not very British.

It's not a love bite Naj!, exactly her words. I pretended I had lives to save.

Didn’t complain about the mug. Will be too rude. Was thinking what to do with the tea when the bleep went off. Saved.

Escaped to the maternity to put an epidural in a lady 6 years younger than me.

See my predicament here?

This is another thought which rendered me goofy faced. I must say though, without making my obsession with women’s backs obvious, this girl’s back was a definition of perfection. Divine.

On the Tuffier’s line, a small rose tattoo put an exclamation to the whole display of lush curvature of the vertebrae. I felt it and found the groove to play straight away. She was a happy lady 10 minutes later.

As the unit was calm and Sarah wasn’t winging much (I quite like it when she is in charge). Thought to self best put head down for a kip. Came home at 0240. You never know when the storm might come in.

The corridor was almost haunted with quietness, could hear my footsteps making squeeking sounds as rubber frictioned against vinyl floor, the corridor seemed long.



Stopped to watch the fish in the pond. The only obvious living creatures out there wide awake, swimming around gracefully. Body glistening as they swam close to the surface. Could hear the trickling of the mini waterfall. Where is everybody?

Good Night.