Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Getting Into The Groove
Pass me the vomit bowl quick!!
FEW FACTS: A cystoscopy is basically a hollow metal rod shoved up the wee-hole. Could be one of the three or one of the two holes in people with plumbing problems. Usuallyperformed by the water work surgeons, unless this has recently turned into some form of an ugly fetish. In my not so experienced experience, I am yet to see one carried out without any general anaesthetics.
I had to put 14 of these to sleep today. fourteeeeeeeennnnn!!!!!
Oh dear dear dear, could life be more vaginal or penile for that matter? By the 12th client, I was ready to gas myself down or strangle myself with the blood pressure cuff. Couldn’t stand the whole industrial cum production line feeling to this job on this particular day.
The last 2 patients were slightly different though. They too were for the above procedure, but also for circumcisions. You could say that it's a bit like Fairy washing liquid, buy one get one free or kill two birds with one stone type thing.
This, I like because I get to play.
To keep the patient in bed, without wailing at the full moon like a warewolf or abusing the staff nurses on the ward in pain some 2 hours later, the consultant thought it’d be kind to put penile block in. Basically, it’s local anaesthetics injected at the base of the shaft of the penis to numb it.
So I had the patient 'asleep', breathing, everything hunky dory. I put the rubber on.
Gloves that is. With my left thumb bent, the rest of the fingers coordinated themselves into a spade.
I dug straight above the penis, under the symphysis pubis yanking the penis out of the way, mercilessly probing for the groove. The shrivelled penis flip flopped side to side up and down from the vigorous, jerky tuggings.
Now where is that groove again…..
I thought I heard some whimpering sounds.
I quickly realized, there were 3 people in the anaesthetic room vigilantly watching. I mini scanned the room, left hand frozen in-situ.
Dr G- male 1 (face screwed and shoulders tightened, arms later akimbo),
Bill-male 2 (frowning frivolously, at the same time hawk-eyeing the needle at the tip of a full syringe of Bupivacaine I had firmly in my right hand, in a rather Elektra-and –her-weapon manner),
Gary-male 3 (sheer horror written all over his face, in his head definitely running some statistics of how my mal handling of the ‘lethal weapon’ could possibly turn into a total premature circumcision even before the surgeon could get to it)
Dr. G, brusque, in his not so obvious manner, cleared his throat after the first word he tried to vocalize, came out a little pre-pubertal.
“ Tssssskkk….OOOooooooh dear, I am not sure if you have anything against it Naj, but you have to be a bit more gentle than that.”
I saw the two pinheaded plonkers suffering in silence behind Dr. G as they were trying very hard not to laugh out loud. Gary, a red haired, was controlling himself so badly his face was inflamed, like he’s just had the biggest hard dump.
They knew instantly that the BJA journal on the worktop will soon be nicely rolled and transformed into a cunning weapon to whack some heads.
Grrrrrrrrr……continue struggling to concentrate and finding the groove.
FEW FACTS: A cystoscopy is basically a hollow metal rod shoved up the wee-hole. Could be one of the three or one of the two holes in people with plumbing problems. Usuallyperformed by the water work surgeons, unless this has recently turned into some form of an ugly fetish. In my not so experienced experience, I am yet to see one carried out without any general anaesthetics.
I had to put 14 of these to sleep today. fourteeeeeeeennnnn!!!!!
Oh dear dear dear, could life be more vaginal or penile for that matter? By the 12th client, I was ready to gas myself down or strangle myself with the blood pressure cuff. Couldn’t stand the whole industrial cum production line feeling to this job on this particular day.
The last 2 patients were slightly different though. They too were for the above procedure, but also for circumcisions. You could say that it's a bit like Fairy washing liquid, buy one get one free or kill two birds with one stone type thing.
This, I like because I get to play.
To keep the patient in bed, without wailing at the full moon like a warewolf or abusing the staff nurses on the ward in pain some 2 hours later, the consultant thought it’d be kind to put penile block in. Basically, it’s local anaesthetics injected at the base of the shaft of the penis to numb it.
So I had the patient 'asleep', breathing, everything hunky dory. I put the rubber on.
Gloves that is. With my left thumb bent, the rest of the fingers coordinated themselves into a spade.
I dug straight above the penis, under the symphysis pubis yanking the penis out of the way, mercilessly probing for the groove. The shrivelled penis flip flopped side to side up and down from the vigorous, jerky tuggings.
Now where is that groove again…..
I thought I heard some whimpering sounds.
I quickly realized, there were 3 people in the anaesthetic room vigilantly watching. I mini scanned the room, left hand frozen in-situ.
Dr G- male 1 (face screwed and shoulders tightened, arms later akimbo),
Bill-male 2 (frowning frivolously, at the same time hawk-eyeing the needle at the tip of a full syringe of Bupivacaine I had firmly in my right hand, in a rather Elektra-and –her-weapon manner),
Gary-male 3 (sheer horror written all over his face, in his head definitely running some statistics of how my mal handling of the ‘lethal weapon’ could possibly turn into a total premature circumcision even before the surgeon could get to it)
Dr. G, brusque, in his not so obvious manner, cleared his throat after the first word he tried to vocalize, came out a little pre-pubertal.
“ Tssssskkk….OOOooooooh dear, I am not sure if you have anything against it Naj, but you have to be a bit more gentle than that.”
I saw the two pinheaded plonkers suffering in silence behind Dr. G as they were trying very hard not to laugh out loud. Gary, a red haired, was controlling himself so badly his face was inflamed, like he’s just had the biggest hard dump.
They knew instantly that the BJA journal on the worktop will soon be nicely rolled and transformed into a cunning weapon to whack some heads.
Grrrrrrrrr……continue struggling to concentrate and finding the groove.
