BluE Scrubs

I am constipated.

I don't mean it in a glib way. This is not a euphemism, no pun intended. A verbatim recited by many patients in gastroenterology clinics, but when I say this, I really mean that I am constipated.

I have not been for 3 days and I feel 'toxic'.Usual drill is 2-3 times a day. Yes, I don't keep them for very long. Now, bloated, headache and itchy, in some place specific. Those symptoms are typical of 'nothing's wrong with you' syndrome. So no, I am not worried.

What I am really worried about is the fact that I had caused a shocking wave of olfactory insult to the whole carriage E on the train from London King's Cross to Doncaster earlier today.

Lady with a thick pair of glasses, runny nose and thick wooly jumper across me rubbed her nose and gave me the 'don't worry I don't think it's you' look. I returned the favour by burrowing my face in the new hardback courtesy of the WHSmith and showing her the title of the book. She herself had a book in her hand, so that makes us invincible to the 'unsociable urges'. Noh?





****


The man with tweed jacket and laptop that made annoying grunting sounds coughed a few times and a few more. He must have been affected the worst. He must know it was me.

The Chinese boy diagonal to me had his eyes shut all the time with his spiky gelled hair and teflon jacket the only two matters about him which looked awake and stiff. His iPod plugged securely to his ears. He opened his eyes, bewildered and looked around for a few seconds before sitting back and shutting his eyes again. Must have been most perplexed by the most disgusting smell. 'Who could possibly let out a bomb this lethal?'.


I had my eyebrows furrowed 'pretending' to be interested in the advert that says 'who nose the best cure for blocked nose', plastered just above where the boy was sitting. A green nose dripping with gunk ,nicely depicting how non desirable it is to have blocked nose, for viewing pleasure of daily commuters. Hmmm.

I don't think he knew it was me. I looked far too harmless. Plus, it was only because his ears were deafened, making his smelling senses heightened, otherwise he wouldn't have even blinked to the 'deadly whiff' emitted from an unknown location.

The good thing is my tract is patent because gas evacuation is still taking place. It must have been the combination of that 'mocha' I had, just before boarding the train and the cheese and mushroom pasty from The West Cornwall.

So the plan is, to resist all the temptation at work tonight. This is what I have to put up with; Roses chocolate, Boasters hazelnut choc chip cookies, jammy dodgers, custard creams, bourbons and jelly babies. These bunged-up culprits.

Pretend to be interested in the keychain for the drug cupboard and surreptitiously 'borrow' a few picolax or lactulose.

I shall wait to see the result of this weapon of mass gastrointestinal tract cleansing.