Friday, December 31, 2004
Chocolate, Life and The New Year.
Just before I left the department after my labourious night duty, I treated myself to two lumps of chocolate wrapped neatly in plush golden wrappers. A bit like Ferrero Roche, only more modest, without the frills underneath. It's called Baci perugina and it's from Nestle.
When I opened the box, with much suspense and anticipation of the eclectic mixture I would have the pleasure of choosing, I almost let out a sigh to find the top layer of the box was already missing. What a let down from a box of chocolate.
Since the time I watched the Forrest Gump movie, I have always bear the saying like an axiom, at the back of my mind.
"Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get",- or how much you are going to get.
Will you get something already opened, bruised, battered blue black and melting everywhere with the chocolate orange sticking to the sides? Such that handling it becomes tedious, sticky and time consuming?
Will you be ok with a box with the top layer already missing? Although the bottom layer is exactly the same as the bottom, the sheer luxury and orgasmic feeling of peeling the top cover revealing nicely formed velvety chocolate lumps with swirles and neat edges, imbued epicurianistic taste as it all melted in your mouth for the first time; had been raped.
As I sat here, pondering upon the remaining of a rollercoster ride of two-oh-oh-four, I am tempted to say "I give up", because I don't know anymore. Life had demanded a lot out of me and, although I am proud to say that am still in an equilibrium, I fear for my lack of obsession with life. I pray that I never face the last straw.
Somehow this doesn't go hand in hand with what I had planned for myself and my career. I have to persevere and feel the happiness, even if it only exists as a spark plug. Only then the happiness might just caught up with the people I am in touch with.
Maybe then it'll be apparent that eventhough I use the excuse I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME liberally, time is the one thing that if I could buy, I would, if that's what it takes to keep those I love close to me.
Without those that know you or at least know your name, then to the world you are nobody, nada, zilch, and when you feel like there is nothing vouching your very existance, then that is to me a one way ticket to the loony bins. Loneliness is not what you are, it's what you feel. We create loneliness and it's a very avid binder to insanity.
13 hours from now, it'll be next year and some people will be out partying hard, hugging and pecking on the cheeks and lips as the clock strikes midnight, joyous and ecstatic over the arrival of 2005 displacing 2004 into ephemerality. Some will be at work, fretting with cold sweats, high on adrenaline keeping a life or two going.
With the old resolutions refined and fine tuned for perfection, I am only going to do one thing different. I am going to choose my box of chocolate carefully and cushion my heart with lots and lots of bubble wrap. I would keep it close, tender and warm.
Wound heals with time and although there's only one way forward for a heart after a massive infarction, which is to slowly sag and fail, I am sure my compassion will negate facts of pathopsycology.
I will love again and I will learn, and 2005 will be a sanatorium for the wounded.
In the wrapper of the two Baci perugina's chocolate balls with hazelnut in the middle mixed with melted chocolate, two strips of golden paper fell out.
No solo me gusta que me amen, sino que me digan que me aman.-George Elliot
What a spiritual manna from heaven. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When I opened the box, with much suspense and anticipation of the eclectic mixture I would have the pleasure of choosing, I almost let out a sigh to find the top layer of the box was already missing. What a let down from a box of chocolate.
Since the time I watched the Forrest Gump movie, I have always bear the saying like an axiom, at the back of my mind.
"Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you are going to get",- or how much you are going to get.
Will you get something already opened, bruised, battered blue black and melting everywhere with the chocolate orange sticking to the sides? Such that handling it becomes tedious, sticky and time consuming?
Will you be ok with a box with the top layer already missing? Although the bottom layer is exactly the same as the bottom, the sheer luxury and orgasmic feeling of peeling the top cover revealing nicely formed velvety chocolate lumps with swirles and neat edges, imbued epicurianistic taste as it all melted in your mouth for the first time; had been raped.
As I sat here, pondering upon the remaining of a rollercoster ride of two-oh-oh-four, I am tempted to say "I give up", because I don't know anymore. Life had demanded a lot out of me and, although I am proud to say that am still in an equilibrium, I fear for my lack of obsession with life. I pray that I never face the last straw.
Somehow this doesn't go hand in hand with what I had planned for myself and my career. I have to persevere and feel the happiness, even if it only exists as a spark plug. Only then the happiness might just caught up with the people I am in touch with.
Maybe then it'll be apparent that eventhough I use the excuse I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME liberally, time is the one thing that if I could buy, I would, if that's what it takes to keep those I love close to me.
Without those that know you or at least know your name, then to the world you are nobody, nada, zilch, and when you feel like there is nothing vouching your very existance, then that is to me a one way ticket to the loony bins. Loneliness is not what you are, it's what you feel. We create loneliness and it's a very avid binder to insanity.
13 hours from now, it'll be next year and some people will be out partying hard, hugging and pecking on the cheeks and lips as the clock strikes midnight, joyous and ecstatic over the arrival of 2005 displacing 2004 into ephemerality. Some will be at work, fretting with cold sweats, high on adrenaline keeping a life or two going.
With the old resolutions refined and fine tuned for perfection, I am only going to do one thing different. I am going to choose my box of chocolate carefully and cushion my heart with lots and lots of bubble wrap. I would keep it close, tender and warm.
Wound heals with time and although there's only one way forward for a heart after a massive infarction, which is to slowly sag and fail, I am sure my compassion will negate facts of pathopsycology.
I will love again and I will learn, and 2005 will be a sanatorium for the wounded.
In the wrapper of the two Baci perugina's chocolate balls with hazelnut in the middle mixed with melted chocolate, two strips of golden paper fell out.
No solo me gusta que me amen, sino que me digan que me aman.-George Elliot
What a spiritual manna from heaven. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
