Sunday, October 17, 2004
Morbidly defined situation
A certain word uttered by a certain somebody over the phone last night still stagnated in the air. I guess I have always knew , what he said was exactly the description I would used to define the pressing matter, but I guess the difference between him and I is that I have hope and he just doesn’t.
It probably doesn’t make sense anyway at the moment should the definition be something different to what he has ‘kindly’ suggested.
I am still in a bit of a daze today as I was sat watching TV , trying to comprehend why oh why I dared not say anything to what he said. It was paralyzing , pathetic, mind numbing sad yet true.
The way that he spoke to me was also much like I am talking to you, rather than we are enjoying ourselves talking to each other. You know when you are talking with such fondness to another person? Your whole body cues for ‘I am comfortable with you’. The intermittent touch, the accepting gazes, the validating smile , the agreeing laughter, the sensitive auditory.
Those are the magical clues. Then of course there is laughter. You laugh when you are comfortable with somebody, and it must never ever be made as a subject of the discussion.
On the other hand, if you start saying things like:
‘You used to laugh at my jokes’ and ‘we never used to discuss about how we talk to each other’ with half of dozen of other phrases to that effect with a few pregnant silence in between, then it is never a good sign.
I have failed to communicate, but yet I think this is possibly as good as it can get for now.I have not entertained any suicidal ruminations nor have I thought about writing a will. Is not talking a good damage control or is it just buying time for the inevitable? I am very susceptible to feeling morbid today. Ghastly and desolate.
It probably doesn’t make sense anyway at the moment should the definition be something different to what he has ‘kindly’ suggested.
I am still in a bit of a daze today as I was sat watching TV , trying to comprehend why oh why I dared not say anything to what he said. It was paralyzing , pathetic, mind numbing sad yet true.
The way that he spoke to me was also much like I am talking to you, rather than we are enjoying ourselves talking to each other. You know when you are talking with such fondness to another person? Your whole body cues for ‘I am comfortable with you’. The intermittent touch, the accepting gazes, the validating smile , the agreeing laughter, the sensitive auditory.
Those are the magical clues. Then of course there is laughter. You laugh when you are comfortable with somebody, and it must never ever be made as a subject of the discussion.
On the other hand, if you start saying things like:
‘You used to laugh at my jokes’ and ‘we never used to discuss about how we talk to each other’ with half of dozen of other phrases to that effect with a few pregnant silence in between, then it is never a good sign.
I have failed to communicate, but yet I think this is possibly as good as it can get for now.I have not entertained any suicidal ruminations nor have I thought about writing a will. Is not talking a good damage control or is it just buying time for the inevitable? I am very susceptible to feeling morbid today. Ghastly and desolate.
