BluE Scrubs

2011-03-06T12:59:00.002Z

Learning without thought is labour lost; thought without learning is perilous

-Confucius 551-479 BC

What we do on Thursdays.

2011-02-27T13:42:00.003Z

I am an Indalay yeeba yeeba poiret boy and I am going to eat a big scary fish for tea. Arrrrrrrr me harty.

We have been going to this SureStart children center for a while now. It's called the LittleOwl. First time we went there, you met this boy called Thomas. You guys didn't waste anytime playing alongside each other, then together. You got on like a house on fire. It helps I guess that you were both wearing exactly the same Thomas the tank engine jacket. Icebreaker- nice. The next week he didn't come and you kept on asking about him, you are very good with names.

Hana, you were busy putting things in your mouth and shaking things to see if all is intact. You get bizarre excitement seeing things fall apart if you shake them really hard. The more terburai the thing is the harder you squeal. To date you still only have one tooth at the bottom and it makes it easy to tell if things been bitten by a mouse or you.

On that note, Mummy has been trying really hard to get you weighed Hana, because the last time we did that you just started eating and you were 8.5 kilos or so. It didn't look nice on the redbook chart because you went down a centile line. The trouble is you two always berak berjemaah and usually Hana berak the messiest all up the back. It's usually the silent ones without grunts and cherry red face. The ones with lots of noises usually come out very pretty like a cupcake. I like those ones.

This always happens around 9:30 am and that's when they do the strip and weigh the babies on Thursdays and by the time I sort both of you out and get you in the car, it's 10 and it didn't feel worth going there anymore. Plus the in-house paediatrician said "She looks fiiiiiine". I might not trust your Dad in the kitchen but his words are reassuring. Also I am getting cramps in my arm when I carry you around while trying to heat up dinner because that's the time when you like being on my hip. So you must be putting on weight. Wait. InsyaAllah.

Deep Blue Scrubbing

2011-02-26T12:47:00.002Z

A bit troubled, to say the least. You know how you say InsyaAllah and Alhamdulillah in your daily conversations? I have to admit, I was not very proactive at saying them. I have to also admit that I used to always want to be in control, like I have all the power to make things done or not done or happens and not happening. A bit of a control freak some might say. Bossy others might add and gila kuasa others might mutter while coughing into their fists. To me for things to change we must change first and for things to get done properly, well- just do it yourself. Also I always thought that people who are saying these words reminding them of Allah are a little bit showy of how pious they are. I know I am forever shallow, Allah please guide me.

However, since these two entered my life, I am slowly succumbing to the fact that it is not all in my hands. Of courselah, Allah the All Mighty is forever all powerful and forever knowing what is best for us. Of course it's all in Allah's power. I find myself saying insyaAllah and Alhamdulillah these days. It helps that my Glee and Justin Bieber loving husband who knows very little malay apart from 'makan'-eat, 'sayang'-love, and 'mandi pancuran- shower' says them all the time, it didn't sound pretentious at all. (Dah makan sayang kenalah mandi pancuran?)

In the facebook world I am forced to get reacquainted again with people I used to know. Some have found peace and freedom in hijabs, some have forgotten how beautiful they looked with hijab on, some just simply still want to have fun. It is sneaky what I do when I go on facebook, you can do a lot of judging by how people dress, language people use and things that people hold of importance. Some are so good Alhamdulillah, I want to be like them. But I have to bear in mind that like CNN and BBC, it's what people report and publish. What they want people to see and the impression that they want people to get of them. Who knows that bikini clad once hijabi girl is actually working on memorizing and understanding the Quran. We don't know but judging is so very easy to do. Allah knows all.

I am a work in progress and I am desperate to better myself. My emaan is up and down and I feel something is missing, missing bad. I want to feel light in my heart and buzzing in my head. I want to be constantly fearful of that day when I cease to breath. Cease to live, leave those I love so very much behind. Ish takutlah. Sempat ke Mummy nak tengok you all grad, Hana get married and Noah pass his driving test?

My du'a is that please Allah show us all the right path, make us good muslimah, daughters, wives and mothers. Ameen.

2011-02-08T13:42:00.003Z

There is usually an impetus to starting a blog. For example, birth of a precious baby, weddings and the debacle associated with preparing a wedding, travelling to places where the people they meet or make fun of can't actually get on the internet to read about what people write about them and the last one is of course the need for audience.

Sad and lame, but the truth is I think I fall into the last category. I started writing when I was (what felt like) nobody, thrown in the deepest end doing something (to me then) exciting, constantly in awe at everything that was going on around me. So much so that you want to go "look at that woooooww'. Only then there was nobody to do that to.

Now, so much is going on around me that still awes me but there is just not enough time to stop and go wow for too long. Like when Hana one morning decided to translocate herself from the bottom of the couch to right in front of the TV. That was definitely a wow moment.

I sometimes pretend to sleep... A little person then will come and go "wakey shakey mummyyyyyyyyyyy".

Auhhh my head.

Have you had it?

2010-12-02T14:06:00.002Z

It's 2 pm, those two are down for a nap and hopefully they will wake up before the sun disappears. The sun sets at around 4pm today. At the rate we are going, nobody gets any sun. I want to make a snowman kata Noah. Baiklah baiklah promised Mummynya yang dah pening cari gloves anaknya yang tak jumpa jumpa. Konon also Noah ni, if I let him, he would sleep for 4 hours and wake up crankier than cranky the crane.

I asked my mum again today if I have had chicken pox. She is still not sure. The first time I asked her, was when I got pregnant the first time and she said she wasn't sure. My thought was how la tak ingat, surely thoughts like habisla hodoh anak aku naik bintat bintat di muka or eh biji biji apa di badan anakku ni, best jugak kalau picit picit macam bubble wrapper, crossed a mum's mind. Now that Hana is going through a bintat bintat period, I realized it can be quite mild. Can be missed completely. I hope she doesn't get worse.

Noah was going through it on the second week of November. He was in a pretty bad shape.He was off food, vomiting, spiking temperature at night at one point I thought he was going to fit. He was delerious on and off. Good thing about Noah is he is an abiding patient. Cukup time he downed the paracetamol and water and terkulat kulat trying not to vomit. One time he tried but it came out through his nose. You've got to give it to the boy for trying.

On the same week we were planning to potty train him. It seems a little bit mean but we just had to start because he was beginning to look strange with the nappy on, like they don't get along, so we blitz through the chicken pox we did. We couldn't leave the house anyway.

Result? Oh boy he was so ready to be out of the nappies because after two days he was asking for the potty even when the nappy is on at night. Tad bit guilty for keep pushing it back. I blame it on Hana, she takes forever to finish feeding. How lah Mummy nak basuh berak Noah kan. I am glad though, he got some enjoyment out of the bintat and potty mark on his bottom period. Who doesn't like star stickers and Mr. Kipling cake slices? They are the key to successful potty training in 3 days. Rasuah tee hee.

Thomas the blue engine.

2010-12-01T08:25:00.004Z

You know how you compare your kids to other people's right? Nooooh really?You don't? They are individuals? They develop at different rates? Tipu lah, everybody does.

So the other day, as in few months ago, Ak came back from work rambling along as usual even before he took his shoes off. 'So Noah is 2 and a bit right?'. '2 and 4 months' I said. 'That's what I've just said', he continued forcing a serious face. 'I saw this kid in clinics today, she was doing colours and she's only 2'. I knew exactly what he was trying to do, to get me all worked up.

Noah was conveniently nearby. After the usual shouting 'Noaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh' and 'Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyy' and crazy hug and air somersault and holding Noah upside down (like they haven't seen each other in years) until I tell them to stop, he sat Noah down.

Daddy: Ok Noah this is it, make Mummy proud. Noah, what colour is Thomas the tank engine?
Blue noah said.
Hoh! That's it. He knows it now!!! I thought. They did a big cheer and a high five.
Daddy: What colour is James?
Noah: Blue.
Daddy: What colour is Emily?
Noah: Blue.
Ok Noah, what colour is Thomas again?
Pink.

Daddy laughed hysterically. Noah joined in.
Special needs la awak ni Noah.

Just what do we do with you bluescrubs. A makeover?

2010-11-30T23:41:00.003Z

I am trying to figure out what to do with this blog. What started as a place for me to sometimes have an out of body experience or rather it's all in my head experience has now become real to life. I am beginning to write about things that are important to me. None of it is untrue, unlike my ramblings at the beginning. So just where do we go from here rangers?

I really don't know. If I write about my kids, then perhaps I should write a proper mumsy blog with banners for I heart breastfeeding, I heart babywearing, I heart saggy boobies, I heart eye bags- you get the drift hoh? But then I like having just the one blog.

I know I want to write though. Maybe I will know in the morning.

Believe it or not.

2010-07-03T22:15:00.002Z

I can't believe 2 months have passed since Hana Maryam Hussain was born. She is now smiling and cooing. It is just amazing. You know, I wasn't sure if I could love another baby as much as I do Noah but MashaAllah I love her abundant and she has this power to soothe like no other.

She also brought something else for me, something I can only show, in time. Her smile humbles me. InsyaAllah.

Good times bad times

2009-11-09T12:37:00.003Z

My clinical director sent me an sms to say that he doesn't want me at work still tonight. Dah seminggu tak pergi kerja ni. Rasa semacam. Today, Noah pulak demam and Daddy baru start demam. Hmm.

Happy Birthday Mummy.

2009-07-21T12:51:00.005Z

Just a quick birthday story.

So, the news on the street is it's my birthday today. True.

And so the story is Ak didn't get anything for me this year and I know that for sure because I have been with him all the time for the past two weeks. He couldn't have escaped to the nearest BMW dealer and ordered a car for me between fighting jetlag and sleep driving to work.

Last night, in his attempt to actually make me forget that it is my birthday today, he changed the date on my lap top. Juvenile but cute.

Apparently today is already 21st of September. Bolehlaaah as long as I am still the same age.

Above is Noah with all his Pak sepupus and Mak sepupus. Doesn't he look like an old man who'd just won a lottery? Hahahahhahaha.

I am smitten with this old man and with his old man.

Islamorado is the name of the restaurant.

2009-07-20T21:51:00.003Z

We are back from Illinois! I certainly had far too much biryani and chocolate. Got chauffeured everywhere. I moved very little. I slept more than I needed. And.... Noah had a developmental spurt. If there is such thing.

In the 2 week period, he drank through a straw! It was in iHop or was it Panera, anyway, a restaurant for sure and Ak didn't believe me at first so , in the end poor Noah had to drink almost a glass full just so Mummy could convince Daddy. Stupid red straw. Mabuk air Mat Nuh ye. In the car I could hear the spish splash in his tummy. Lawak.

He sings Baba black sheep. Only the baba is recognizable , the rest of the song hits a different wave band, so only audible to a tuned ear like Mummy's. When he sings, bunyinya macam dikir barat on a Saturday afternoon.

He is walking! He actually started taking steps at 1 year 1 week at the nursery but during the holiday, he just walked everywhere, or shall I stay stumbled everywhere. His hands are pretty quick too so I had to make arrangements to my mother in law's interior decoration, if you know what I mean. All her jades and crystals and chinas were all piled on the dining table macam carboot sale. Still he looked at the pile with his airliur leleh leleh. I also would leleh if the jades are shaped like grapes and pretty little fruits.

Picture above was taken outside Islamorado. A restaurant I went to when I was about 7 weeks pregnant. Loya like hell and all I wanted to eat was fish. It has a massive wallsize aquarium and back then I said to myself, I would take 'the baby' back to the restaurant to look at the fish. And so I did.

2009-07-10T19:25:00.002Z

Noah jetlag. Write more soon.

In the name of designer this, designer that.

2009-07-03T12:25:00.004Z

Actually, I have lost all reasons why I am posting these pictures. Apart from they are not upright, the things are also hideous.

Loitering (should have brought Noah along)

2009-06-23T21:43:00.007Z

Yesterday, an old friend of mine mentioned something sweet. Something about this blog and the fact that I should write a book. You are too kind my friend, too kind I tell you. She also said that reading my blog is something that she looks forward to at the end of the week. Uh.uh. Apart from making me rasa terharu, it also makes me feel lousy for not updating more frequently. So girl, I am going full throttle from now on, just for you, semua benda nak tulis, tapi apa mau tulis dulu ya. (kalau by the end of the week dah luke warm tu harap maaf ya)

So my passport mati daaa. About 3 weeks ago. I had today planned for ages because ye la, timing is everything with Noah and getting the passport renewed today was so important sebab mau pergi United States of A next week ni. Nak holiday in Chicago, rumah Dhadi. I know, macam cartoon kan, she came here and then we go there. My dad would have a great sound effect just for that . "poooo gih..pooooo maghi". (repeat 3x to get the real effect). We are going because his uncles and aunts in America haven't seen him yet and he is already a year an a bit. Overused, but "he grows up so quickly" kan . Baru hari tu weaning sekarang dah makan nasi lauk ayam. Siap direct tangan Mummy suruh gaul then masuk mulut dia, diri sendiri tamau sentuh food. Aiyoooo.

So today I went to the Embassy in London. I took the train after sending Noah to his nursery. Biasalah mogok seeing me leave but now, as soon as I close the door behind me, terus senyap. Airmata hanya lakonan semata ya Noah.

They took my passport pictures there because the background has to be blue. After the 'adik' took my picture, he turned the camera around to ok it with me. Hoh, shivers tau. I must have aged 10 years since my last passport pictures. Also my hair looked like I have been through a wind tunnel tak pun iras mergastua geriatric. " Ok tak kak?" he asked me. Loh apa kakak nak cakap? Make me look 10 years younger please Gok? maybe he saw my disappointment, he offered solution siap " Kita boleh tangkap lagi sekali kak". Oh jadi adik ni setuju la kakak rupa macam kena putar dengan puting beliung. So kakak ni malas, ok aje lah that picture, but inside I was a little bit gundah.

So I had about 4 hours before I could pick up the new passport. No choice but to loiter. Must have been a good loiter because I ended up in Harvey Nichols. I am sure I was meant to go there anyway. In there I stumbled upon this thing called theBalm. Remember I said I wanted 10 years off? I don't know how the boy did it, but he somehow managed to make me buy everything he put on my face. Betul, not my fault. The product is sans parabane, but I am sure that's not the top reason why I bought them. Saya mahu kelihatan menawan!!!! So it sucks but I guess I am going to start putting some SPF on my face and a little bit of colour here and there.

Then, I went on more loitering and saw some of the most hideous looking dresses I have ever seen. One, looked like something you can only wear to go weeding in the garden with a big topi mengkuang, another is just another kaftan, one would wear going out to pasar malam. Guess how much these suckers are paying per dress? less than 500 pounds. That is without 50% off. Don't get me wrong, haram tak jealous dengan orang banyak duit but this is a crime. Fashion is a crime. Then, there is Jimmy Choos. Err...tell me again why they have to be 200 pounds after the discount? Then the bags. Oh my god the handbags. I saw some seriously possessed women in the handbag section. All touching, lifting, slinging, swinging, twirling and off to the next shoulder and the sequence repeated again. While doing the handbag macarena, their eyes darted across to other bags being touched by other women. I saw one woman buying 2 bags in the same design but in different colours. The trouble is they are hideous. Tak masuk akal ok. (Not the women, because they all had big fat designer glasses with manicured nails and toes also wearing what I can only imagine very expensive perfumes, keluar the kedai pening).

Rasa macam BBC undercover la pulak snap snap pictures, but then I was really unhappy about the ignorance that was surrounding me. Seriously, perlukah seseorang itu mempunyai bag yang berbintat bintat hina dan berat belum masuk apa apa dekat 5 kg? Gambar gambar upload nanti ok.

Selamat malam.

Daddy daycare.

2009-06-19T10:14:00.003Z

Noah: Daddy, the sun is sinking.
Daddy: Yes Noah, daddy likes it when the sun sinks cos Mummy looks better in the dark.
Noah: Sorry Daddy, I terkentut.
Daddy: Nice one Noah.
Noah: Daddy, is Mummy still taking pictures?
Daddy: Just keep your eyes closed. When she's not looking we'll leg it.

I finished my night on call at 08:30 and rushed to the nursery to give Noah his morning milk feed. When I got there he is already napping. I crept up to his crib and watched him snooze. He still had tears running down his cheeks. The sheet stained water stain a little. He must have cried himself to sleep. Tired sangat agaknya.Mummy rasa senak semacam in the middle of the chest just watching you still tersedu. Thank God it's my last night. So Mummy terpaksa heavy heartedly drove home, drove past IKEA, thinking I'd pick up a mattress on the way. Sekali tak buka lagi. Actually no shops open at 8:45.

So, siapa nak minum susu you ni Noah? I have expressed about 8 oz and I guess I'll just stash it away in the freezer. Tengok susu, tengok your toys, terus hiba lagi. So much making up to do this weekend.

Talking about this weekend, it's father's day. It's the first ever for Daddy. How exciting for daddy!...Hmmmm...What should we do? Shall we pretend that we forgot completely? While you are sleeping mister, I am going to clean up the house and you're going to think about what to do for Daddy.

I am also thinking, I never wished my Dad happy father's day. Is it too late to start?

Ibu mertua ku.

2009-06-18T22:41:00.005Z

Nampak gayanya, Aunty D, aka Cik Doyah aka Aunty Didie adalah pembaca setia blog Mummy ye Noah and Cik T also starting to read. So we must write in Melayu banyak sikit so Cik T can giggle giggle bila Mummy tulis lawak lawak. Must say I do try.

Mummy tengah on call ni. Baru lepas sort out a few epidurals and entering the details in the computer. So testing ok, bila kena cucuk orang dalam kesakitan yang sambil itu masih mencarut carut dan meronta ronta. How la to cucuk a moving target yang macam itu. Ala ala main darts tau. Tapi biasalah instead, Mummy guna power of persuasion by touch macam Wolverine's girlfriend. (Dah tengok movie ni belum ? Tengok ok, Mummy bagi rating 8/10). So the woman in pain terus tak sakit lagi. Senyum aje. Yeaaa.

Tadi masa Mummy tengah pok pek2 dengan patient there's this midwife datang dengan happynya dan excitednya saying "Doctor, you've just had a baby didn't you? I remember you with a bump". Mummy sumpah tak tahu nama dia. Mummy pun dengan bangga cakap " Yes, a year ago now I had Noah". Biasanya Mummy bila cakap pasal Noah, ada kembang kuncup sikit itu posterior. tadi extra pula. This midwife was pregnant at the same time as Mummy and she had a baby boy too. His name is Jacob. Wah semua nama Nabi nabi. Tak kisah lah Jacob ke Yaacob ke it's after the same person. In your case Noah, it's after the prophet Nuh. Sebab tu Mummy and Daddy panggil kamu Nunuh. Just so you know, Uncle Nik always asks you "Mat Nuh, oooo Mat Nuh, mana kapal kauuuuu". Coming from him, Mummy rasa kelakar tu.

Tengoklah kalau Mummy start tulis mesti merapu and it gets so long and digressing here and there. It's very hard to stick to the topic. If there is one that is. Apa Mummy tengah fikir ya. Tengah fikir aiyaaa, esok mak mertua is coming to stay. Plus point ialah, bolehla Mummy keluar dating with Daddy. You Dhadi will jaga you and you can mesra mesra with her. Minus point is, in that spare room, tak ada bed, tak ada mattress. Penuh buku. Imagine buku Mummy since med school plus buku Daddy since med school plus buku Mummy beli on "how to make Noah happy and content", "how to make Noah's belly big" and "how to make Noah sleep like Daddy" -sleep through an earth quake. So, where do we put your Dhadi ni Noah?

Before Mummy got in the car to go to work, Daddy mimed sambil jarinya mengisyarat kotak empat segi "Tomorrow after work, must buy a mattress". Mummy hangguk aje sambil bagi flying kiss. Daddy tangkap masuk pocket. Biasalah Daddy membadutkan diri. Tapi he fikir Mummy punya Renault megane ni macam transformer ke boleh tukar jadi truck? How la to angkut the tilam. Uh uh pening.

Must go kena bleep. Lagi sorang mau kena cucuk sebab mau beranak ikut tingkap.

Noah is 1

2009-06-17T11:31:00.002Z

I think there is some sort of an optic illusion going on in this picture. If you check out the size of the Krispy Kreame donuts and Noah's face, you will notice that they are about the same. Freaky lah Noah. Muka you macam doughnut!It's ok doughnut face, you are only turning one. There is so much growing up to do and many more cakes to massacre.

This is a few weeks ago when Noah turned one. We had Aunty Sabah over who'd checked Noah's teeth because she is the best dentist in the world and and who also baked the loveliest cake for Noah's birthday but had to leave before other guests arrived because she wanted to hit the road early to catch the Apprentice on TV. Anyhoooo,We wuv you and we we wuv the beanbags, they are so snuggebs smitchum scmummsstcha! She is also going to be super rich from cleaning teeth all day and making people feel bad about having dentures, and drives a super cool car which is so much better than the Nissan micra she's ditching. Oh yes and she is also single and available. She will only accept a marriage proposal from a tall dark and handsome man who is taller than her. She is a giant.

Like I said a long time ago, I write in here unedited so excuse my thought process. I am just super tired from last night on call. I guess Noah's Daddy is even more tired from driving and looking after Noah at night while Mummy's at work.

So, sayang, Semoga Noah jadi anak yang soleh dengan tinggi budi pekerti. Mummy and Daddy love you so much. Happy first Birthday pumpkin.

His first wedding.

2009-06-01T13:41:00.015Z

Marilah nak cerita.

So, in between meraung sakan bila dengar bunyi bagpipe and crawling all over the lawn, Noah managed to flirt at Mummy and Daddy's friend's wedding. Suka betul dia when the groom's 2 year old niece came up to him with some sweeties. Either dia strategically was trying to rampas the candy atau memang saja saja flirt dengan suit handsome dia tu, yang pasti mereka kelihatan sungguh comel. Mummy tak jumpa cari conservative looking suit, so she main taram ajalah colour pink. Hopefully that doesn't scar him for life. From a certain angle he does look like a banker.

At the wedding biasalah, kawan kawan lama berjumpa kembali. Ak warned me that I should look pretty at the wedding because it would be the first time after nearly ten years we all escaped the medical school. Apa lagi terus lah I panic. Rasa pressure semacam. Dalam hati yeke, kena ke. I know he is joking but as always my mantra is, there is always a 50% truth in a joke, kalau tak kenapa ada yang terasa bila joking kan kan? Arkhhh presssure.

So, this is how he helped me to look pretty. I asked his opinion, if I should wear the new dress I bought last week, or this dress (which is a ruby coloured dress I wore to almost all of the weddings I have been to except for one because the bridesmaids were wearing the exact same dress- from Monsoon, -so close). I wore it so many times, I could call that dress my go-to-any- wedding dress. He said wear the red one. Which is the ruby one. Great help husband dearest. I'd be worried if he knows what colour ruby is. Oh well what's another wedding going to do to a dress. So tak terpakai la that new dress.

Secondly, of all places to stop and get done up, we stopped at a harware store selling parts for tractors in the middle of nowhere, where I got changed. So dalam kelam kabut, couldn't find earrings to match my necklace, the mirror in the bathroom was only showing my forehead, and I used my lipstick for everything on the face. Lovely stuff.

Oh well it's a Scottish - Sudanese wedding anyway, there were too many weird and wonderful stuff going on there. I don't think anybody noticed my klutsy ensamble. I hope.

There were African dance and bellydance which Noah enjoyed very much. Busta move Noah! Busta move.

Noah on canvas

2009-05-28T21:54:00.003Z

A week ago, it felt like I was robbed when the Pixifoto girl told me the total amount for all the pictures that I chose. Terkebil kebil kejap. I think I let out a small nervous cough too when I eventually handed the money.

Yesterday when I went to pick up the pictures, I thought "Just how did they do it?". One minute I thought Woh!! free potrait session for Noah so off we went , and the next, I was paying for 20 more.

*Scratch head*

Bleeding money

2009-05-25T22:03:00.003Z

Bloody hell. I have to stop. I fear that If I do continue, I am going to have to chew the table to stop myself from screaming. Don't ask me why the table, maybe because Noah has been chewing on the chairs instead.

I was actually looking for the invoice from the nursery and a small voice in my head keeps saying that Noah must have eaten it or Ak must have used it to scribble at the back of it and tucked it away as he does to any bits of paper that he has written on. I just cannot find the damn paper. They left me a message on the phone to say that we are due to pay a huge amount of money and that I should pay it as soon as possible. They didn't continue with "if not or otherwise". It's just the way she said it made me believe that they are going to hold Noah for ransom and eventually sell him off to beg if we don't pay tomorrow. Noah can shake a can of coins pretty well.

Talking about bleeding money, yesterday we went out for breakfast at Giraffe and as we had some parking time left ( so i thought we did, not my fault as someone else paid the pay and display and it's not Noah), we went to John Lewis to look for a beanbag. We saw one which costs 300 pounds so we both slumped in it and it took some screaming from Noah from his stroller before we realized we had a baby and quickly got up. So we spent a good proportion of an hour there. It was so yummy to pass out on. We did that because we just knew it's not coming home with us. Gila la 300 for a bean bag.

So the beanbag became a tablecloth and became computer games and became ice cream and by the time we got to the car we were 1 hour over the parking time. There was a ticket on the windscreen and Ak went all quiet. I felt constipated because I had a compelling need to blame someone but it was me who insisted on ice cream. Probably best to pay sooner rather than later, they give you discount for paying propmtly. Yay. Joy.

Weirded out by..

2009-05-23T23:11:00.005Z

I was walking back from the lake with Noah today when I saw 3 people outside one of the houses in my cul-de-sac. 2 girls and guy. Not sure what they were doing at first. Obvious though, that one of the girls was a hijabi. They were busy chatting. Snoopy snoop, aaa they were also smoking. I looked away, I looked up and just fumbled around my sling bag for something, or for nothing rather. Am I weird that I got weirded out by that?

A few days ago I was in the coffee room at work, when a girl who went off on maternity leave at the same time as me striked a conversation. She too just started back at work. We got chatting about our boys right down to their pooh pooh. I have actually since then managed to set a playdate and actually went, and got another follow up playdate scheduled. Still hadn't actually offered to host the playdate as house at the moment, or rather house is never going to be as pristine as her house. For example, as I stepped into her house a whiff of wood polish greeted me as suppose to our house where I don't think there is a single thing there that hadn't been slobber-polished by Noah.

Oh digression there. Back to the story. Another girl who was also there tetiba said "Childbirth is just wrong, why would you make your body go through such thing". Jealous ke , disgusted ke, lesbian ke entah le. In my head I thought 'Girl you're weird'.

If she told me instead that she is going to have a baby even if it means artificially done and pay 8000 pounds for a lady in Mumbai to surrogate the babies, I can understand. If she said she is 50 and still trying to conceive I can understand. If she said she once got drunk from drinking the water from Dayang Bunting Tasik, I can understand. Sedikit gila tapi boleh faham la kan. But to be healthy, young and about to marry an orthopaedic registrar and buat muka toye sambil implying we are gila for having babies, itu weird la kan.

Masa tu ada juga perasaan nak gumpal2 the newspaper she was reading pastu sapu sapu, or rather tenyeh tenyeh muka dia. But tiba2 muka angelic Noah tiba2 popped out from nowhere seraya berkata, 'My Mommy is so gentle she wouldn't dream of bitch slap sapa sapa, apatah lagi tenyeh tenyeh muka sapa sapa with newspaper, kan Mommy kan."

Terus tak jadi bertindak.

Mat Bunga.

2009-05-08T11:43:00.003Z

That is Noah at 10 months. That sunny Easter weekend, we let him roam free on a paddock by the sea where we pit stopped between Lee and Ilfracombe. About 3 miles between the two places.

Actually it wasn't really a pit stop because we were on foot, but Noah was only just happy to be out of the carrier. Tengoklah muka toye dia. Hihihi. He jadi Mat Bunga sekejap because the hills were just covered with Marigold? He kutip kutip the bunga and makan makan the petals then changed himself back to Mat Nuh when he minum the susu. So itulah 'ability' Noah yang terbaru. Able to change from one Mat to another.

Just after this little escapade he started at the nursery and I started work. Oh my word, Noah terus tukar jadi Mat Kepits. All the time he wanted to berkepit with Mummy. So kesian Mummy tengok you traumatized. All the time thinking Mummy nak tinggal you sorang sorang ye. I went to the kitchen, 2 seconds later he's already at my feet.

So traumatized terus high grade fever, vomitting and diarrhoea.

Hoh, sudah bangun, sambung lain kali.

Where is Noah?

2009-04-08T13:59:00.002Z

There you are in the snow.

Attention seeking Noah

2009-04-08T10:01:00.002Z

He knows he can do nothing wrong. He knows when he makes a goofy face, I smile and play with him. Tak jadi lah nak buat (insert kerja rumah atau important phone call). He knows he's got me wrap around his finger. How la to leave you at the nursery.

Like I said I start work next week. Ak had this brilliant idea that we should do a dry run week. We leave him at the nursery but I would go back home and sort out anything that needs doing you know, bank stuff, car stuff, unpacking stuff. The point is so that he gets used to it and if things turn pear shape they can call me at home I'd pick him up. Ace idea. My husband got it all sorted in his head.

So that was suppose to happen 2 days ago. Yesterday, he called from work at noon.

Husband: So.......How you're doing? How's he doing?
Wife: Errr...(gugugagga in the distant) *Mouthing* Shhhhh Noah
Husband: He's at home isn't he?
kantoi

Today , Noah is still at home with me. Hiiiihihihi. Ak should know that it will take more than a verbal order to get me to drop my son at the nursery.

A house with a garden

2009-04-01T14:58:00.008Z

"Lihat semua bunga sedang kembang yang cantik gemilang siapa memandang..."

To those who instantly recognized the song, I am sorry to say that you are black and white and ancient. Well at least I am. I feel very.

So, before guilt feeds on me even more, I would like to confirm that yes we have moved ! Mak kata...laaaaa pindah lagiii. (Pitch tinggi sikit towards the end to add a motherly tone). I would like to blame the internet reconnection for the lack of updates but, I am afraid it is all down to tardiness. Tardy, useless, lazy can all be used to describe me at the moment. Ak told me to book a holiday for the Easter break, I said ok, but in the end he ended up doing it himself. He told me to cash in the cheques we got 3 weeks ago, I only did it today. He told me to sort out my car exhaust because it's 'turning heads', I am yet to do that. Malas kan?

This may sound like an excuse but, it's so true. I now have a child who demands my time and attention.

If I disappear to the kitchen, on cue, he'll crawl right up to my legs. When I open the freezer, dia sibuk nak masuk jugak dalam tu. Join ayam and frozen pizza. Ye betul Noah, boleh muat you masuk dalam tu, but that doesn't mean you can main main dalam freezer.

If I put on the jacket but not do the same to him, he'll scream blue murder. He thinks I was going to leave him. I was only going to put out the rubbish. Usually in a rush because I would only just remember the rubbish when I hear the rubbish truck. So with Noah screaming and the truck coming, panic la Mummy! Aiyoohhh, So adorable yet so distracting. How la Mummy nak do house chores. Let alone unpack the boxes piled in the spare room. That room still looks like we've just moved yesterday. Actually to be fair it's more like Mummy demands Noah's time and attention. Kesian dia nak main sometimes but his Mummy asyik2 mintak kiss kiss and cuddles. Then he's do the pout "leave me alone boleh tak?". Hahaha so classic.

Last week I found out that the baby clinic was held in the local church. So we went to check it out. My feeling was, it would be the last time I weigh him before he turns one. Nice big place. They even had a corner with lots of toys. Noah apa lagi giddy giddy with joy. 10.2 kg he was. He hasn't put on much weight since we last weighed him probably because of the cold he had right after we moved. Rindu Thames river itik and angsa I think. Mummy also rindu that house. It's very very special because that was your first house, you were 'born' in it.

But THIS house is going to be fun! now that you're mobile you can help Mummy tanam the sunflowers in the garden. We can't just have daffodils and bluebells. I say that, but between starting work next week and running errands bila nak tanam bunga matahari? Hmmmm

Those two had gone to bed ages ago and I am still blogging like a punggok. Better go get my shut eye, night ya'all di mana jua anda berada, even Japan! *wink*

Tomato

2009-02-17T01:02:00.005Z

My husband calls me a retard and I call him lame.

On his way to work some time last week he told me a joke on the phone. I was feeding Noah breakfast.

' A daddy tomato, a mummy tomato and a baby tomato were walking. The baby tomato lagged behind. Daddy tomato said come on baby tomato. They continued walking again.
The baby tomato was lagging again.
The Daddy tomato turned around and walked towards baby tomato.
He stomped and squished the baby tomato.
Ket-chup he said'

I was quiet for a while.

I was going to laugh, not because it was funny, but because it was just so lame and so wrong on so many levels.

All in My Head.

2009-02-17T00:06:00.004Z

Ahhhhh...time to myself. Ak is doing night on call and Noah is in his dreamworld. A world where the river flows 'susu', trees are made of cheese and everything else is made of Petits Filous. Hmmm..kata Noah.

I have so much on my mind at the moment. The inevitable going back to work anxiety for one. Ingat lagi ke kat mana nak cucuk, berapa dose bupivacaine nak inject, kat mana butang ventilator, how to bag-mask ventilate? Please please lah let it be just like riding a bike. Although, in the third year medical school I ended up in A&E nearly splitting my face in two because I rode a bike. Actually that's not true, correction, more like, it's because I was silly. I thought the coolest thing to do when one rides down a steep hill is to let go of one's handle bar. So not funny bila ingat2 balik. Anyway, I am back at work in a months time. Phoh phoh boleh boleh look alive look alive.

Noah going to the nursery is the second. I've found a nursery literally sepenanak nasi away from the hospital. Nasi masak pakai electric cooker ok bukan pakai dapur kayu aci tiup tiup dengan buluh. I have also had a look around and I guess you can't get a better nursery than that. It's all pretty standard (macam la pernah hantar anak to nursery before). He is becoming increasingly aware of separation, like this morning when his daddy left to go for a run he cried. He is also becoming quite fussy with food. Kalau boleh semua food nak campur Petits Filous. Maybe I should let him go cold turkey on this little treat. He's been holding himself out for sweet things at the end of the meal. Babies I tell you, they are smarter than you think.

Noah's small head. I went to the baby clinic at our GP surgery, you know to get him plotted on the graph and things. He is 9.85 kg at 8 months. Still on the same centile line but his head circumference has gone down 2 centile lines. Otak tidak berkembang? Kurang stimulation? I thought I've been monkeying myself enough to get him stimulated.Terkinja kinja people say when it comes to taking him out for a walk. Lompat sana lompat sini. Angsa also risau when they look at me. I think in this case the saying good things come in small packages is not something you want to be ecstatic bout.

Whatelse is on my mind. Noah is not crawling yet. He'd rather just sit there for hours and hours looking at the same thing over and over again. Tak boring ke Noah. I used to think great, I can watch One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls, again and again and again, but now, snooping around other mumsies' blog, I can't help but compare Noah with their crawly babies. Maybe because he is tubby. Noah + tubby. Nubby.

What's good though, Noah now claps his hands when I sing nursery rhymes and wiggle his bottom, OMG nak gigit gigit. Dah gigit pun, of course he wasn't impressed. He would imitate me when I say Mama. I said mama then he said mama. Then again then again. Macam burung kakaktua. Arghhh gigit lagi. He is getting skilled with finger foods now, cheese, pitta bread, toasts, carrot sticks, meja also kalau boleh he wants to chomp on.

Oh boy so many things, on top of that we are moving to a new house this weekend. I am imagining being so tired by the end of it, Ak and I would pass out, unaware that Noah would choose this moment to finally crawl to the nextdoor neighbour and ask for some food.

Ok ngantuk, nak tidur. Belum apa apa dah pening. What la.

Blue Scrubs Boys.

2009-02-02T23:02:00.003Z

I woke up to the balcony covered with fluffy white snow. My first thought was- Noah!!! It's your first snow!Come jump up and down! Terus dia lompat and somesault lagi. Baru 7 bulan laa, bohong aje. Nowadays he gets excited when I get excited. So easy. Even when there is no reason to get excited. But back yard covered with snow, no better reason to get excited kan Noah kan.

So we walked along the river, made a snow angel, fed the ducks and the geese and chase the ducks and the geese, said hi to the snow man and the snowman's son and we played on the swing.We did loads and Noah was giggling non stop. Everytime he giggled kan rasa nak ghaarrr geget geget but his daddy was willing to stand in untuk kena gigit. Martyr nya.

I was overwhelmed by guilt when I took pictures of Noah and his Daddy. Pilu and sayu rasanya.

I am guilty because we have to move again so I can start my job. Soon. So the time we have to spend in the backyard might be shorter than we thought we had. Time huh, just how do you win.

Wedding anniversary..not

2009-01-29T00:05:00.004Z

Being at home with Noah is like playing with your favourite doll everyday. Even though I didn't have a doll when I was a doll-supposedly-playing-age, I can just imagine the excitement it brings. Feed him, burp him, dodoi him, watch him sleep while he toys with my finger, change him, bath him; I could really kill somebody with the mundane things I could talk about when it comes to Noah. Akan tetapi, I am also going through a mushy brain period. I hope it's a period because I am seriously thinking about using my brain again in 2 months time.

My mushy brain impressed me last weekend. It was suppose to be our 2nd year anniversary and we thought it would be nice for my sister in law to baby sit Noah while we go out on a date. So I dolled myself up, flowy dress, I walked tall with my never been worn boots, looking dangerous. Ye lah with my s size, and the breastfeeding XL bon-bon size, I do look dangerous. The sheer disproportionality can just freeze one's visual cortex and fool one into thinking that I am a malay version of Jessica rabbit.

So out we went, chat chit chat, holding hands, kissy kissy, PDA, footsie under the table, I feed you you feed me, flirt flirt, dirty talk, you know the usual stuff people do. I must have checked my phone a dozen times during the romancing. I have been told ini adalah normal.

When we got home, conveniently, Ak tried setting the time and the date on a new alarm clock my sister in law gave us. Ak went ' What's the date today?'. I went ' What do you mean what's the date today?'. My sister in law went '25th of January'. Ak and I went 'Really?'. 'What did we do going out today then baby?

Our wedding anniversary was on the 27th January. ...Hahahah dua dua dah nyanyuk.

I Can...

2009-01-20T00:40:00.002Z

I should really be in bed. Tomorrow is quite an important day and I must look freshly squeezed with no pulps. It involves looking sharp and crisp. I have picked out the 'attire' and all I have to do now is jump into it and dance. Do I still have the spring? It also involves leaving Noah at home. Gulp!Tell you more later.

For now, this what Noah's been doing:

He's cut his first two teeth. Yeaaa!
He's turned onto his front.Yeaa!
He's sitting by himself. Yeaa!! No tumbang-tumbang-, no sondol-sondol, no telentang- telentang.
He's also been chewing boxes. Then gagged and choked on them. Not so yeaa. Hurmp.

Noah on Durex

2009-01-20T00:32:00.001Z

Noah: Mommmyyyyyyy...hihihihi what is this??
Mommy: Er...where did you..umm...*scratch*.what did you..Noaaahhh!!!

Noah: Shame shame Mommy ..shame shame.

Eat and be merry.

2009-01-15T01:27:00.001Z

Noah is eating again! That gives me as much joy as seeing his poop in the nappy every morning. Dare I say, it's becoming one of the things I look forward to in the morning. Unwrap nappy, smellynya you punya poo pooh Noah- tapi happy yeaaaaaa. I am very easy to please these days. You eat and you poop away my boy.

The whole refusing food debacle the other day is simmering, it did stress me out because it puts pressure of me to produce enough milk every 2 hours. I was nearly at the end of my tethers, but now, I think I have milk enough for 2. The pendulum has swung far too much to the other side now. Not a complain that by the way. Anyone need a wet nurse? On that note; is your husband allowed to drink your milk? I know it's disgusting but bolehkah ye? Something to google later, apart from the routine google nama sendiri. Pleaselah joke ok.

More on food. I have taken interest in preparing Noah's food from the beginning of his weaning phase. It took off pretty well, too well actually such that I had to give him milk first because he was cutting down his milk too quickly. Noah ni kadang2 I think eksyen sikit nak besar cepat2. Tak sayang Mummy ke Noah? Who's going to tug my hair, squeeze my bon-bon and korek korek my lubang hidung? Siapa siapa?

He is fine with almost all vegetables and fruits but not meat. How lah. Another one to google. See if it's quite a common thing. Maybe common for babies who have eyes so bulat hidung so cenonet and mulut so nyum nyum nak gigit gigit dia arghhhh. Have you ever felt like you want to bite your child so hard sampai dia menangis? Anyway, I've only just started introducing meat when he turned 7 months and he just wouldn't have it. He can even tell if I've camouflaged the meat with some sort of a fruit compote. Another eksyen thing that he does.

So, I thought I'd borrow baby recipe books from the town library and copy the recipe word by word. I had the book with me too long sekarang dah kena denda. Enough denda to actually buy the book if it's 50% off the normal price. Pening pening I went and bought the book. I promise myself, that it's the only book I am going to buy this year. Between Ak and I, we have enough books to sink a ship, we don't need more.

So the verdict is a yeaaaaa for Noah. *victory dance*. I cooked the chicken with ubisetela, carrots, and apple- he likes that, siap ada bunyi lazat HHHHHhhhmmmm. The other one is cod flaked in cheese and butter, then added to potato and swede- no lazat sound, but no geleng geleng kepala also. He ate macam tak ada perasaan. It's ok to me as long as he eats it.

Woh look at the time, I better make myself sleep. This is what happens when I nap when Noah naps during the day.

Big L

2009-01-14T01:47:00.002Z

Mommy: Baby, do you still think I'm a loser?
Daddy: Whyyy?
Mommy: Because I have a blog.
Daddy: I don't think you are a loser at all baby, I KNOW you are.
Mommy: Pfffftttttttttt.
daddy *walked out of the kitchen looking rather smug with a bag of Peri Peri crisps*

The thing is I do know blogging is a bit of a lame thing to do but what is a girl to do when she has watched all episodes of One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls and The OC, and Noah is still asleep?

BabyHawk

2009-01-14T01:18:00.003Z

Now that's what I call efficient! The carrier is already here...woot woot chuh-k-chuh-chuh-k-chuh (train whistle). The review by this particular mother will be out soon!

Hand-me-downs; priceless

2009-01-12T22:37:00.003Z

Look at Noah in his nest!Mengerang telur apa tu Noah?

These days, he spent quite a lot of his waking hours in this little nest. Just like a tweety bird.

He would tweet tweeting in his Neo-Noah language just amusing himself while I cook or clean or do anything housewifey. That position doesn't last very long though, after a few minutes I usually find him staring at his own feet with his bum up in the air and one arm stuck on the side of his bum as if he is about to dive into a pool. After which he would topple to one side or the other.The funny thing is he would just be in that position, quietly, not even a sound, only blinking a lot more than usual until I took notice of him and came to the rescue.

That hovercraft nest is a clever little hand-me-down. In fact most of Noah's things are hand-me-downs. His stroller, his car seat, his bouncer chair, his winter puffer overall and some of his clothes. I hope he won't look back and think that we love him any less. Britain is going
through a recession darling and plus, they are all pre-loved.

Sling, Wrap and Carry me.

2009-01-11T23:58:00.005Z

It is a very good baby carrier that one Rooge got us.

Also, it is by far the best gift Noah's received. Second only to an amorphous cuddly toy shaped like an amoeba, with what looks like a neck stretching from the chin to the belly, face , dare I say a starking resemblance to Hitler. Adolf Hitler the Nazi. Noah will hopefully grow up to one day ask me the question, Mommy who is Hitler?, which will be a nidus to a whole array of questions on world issues that we could talk about including what is happening in Gaza at the moment. Do you see how that is an absolutely spot on gift for a newborn? If you find yourself agreeing with me then you must be whacked or your name is Rooge.

I digress.

I can proudly say that we have put it to good use in the last 7 months. It's worn Noah in the Yorkshire Dales, in Devon, on London underground, in KL- up and down the LRT; can you imagine doing it with a stroller instead? Haru biru. But sadly Noah has outgrown it. This I realized when Noah turned cherry red in the face along with an orchestra of grunts and whinees when I cajoled him into the carrier. It is time to move on.

What shall I replace it with?

So, after much time spent on the net looking for a replacement, I've decided I can actually make my own carrier. The one I like is called Mei Tai and the instructions to make one is everywhere on the net. In fact, people are making them left right and centre. I have made a baju kurung before so I am sure this is doable. All I need now is a sewing machine...a mental picture of a black 1906 Singer sewing machine is stroboscoping at me.

But that was a week ago. I've decided that I won't be able to finish it on time because we are off to see the wizard in a far far away land. We'll be staying in a little cottage with a fireplace, overlooking nothing but rolling green, where we would roll Noah down the hill where he would shriek with glee and ask to be rolled again. Probably not straight out of the Sound of Music like that but close. So we need a carrier in 6 days time.

I for one can't wait actually. This week alone, Noah and I've probably seen Ak 2 hours top, collectively, since he started doing long days and night on calls back to back. He came back this morning , I was just putting Noah down for his mid morning nap, when I came out of the nursery, Ak had already hit the sack. Ak woke up for Zuhr and again I was putting Noah down for his noon nap. When Noah woke up, Ak had already gone back to bed. Ak finally woke up to get ready for work and Noah had just finished his tea and bath, in his jammies ready for bed.

Imagine if I do go back to work. Noah probably wouldn't recognize me! Imma gonna have to put up a big cut out of my face just grinning widely in place of his cot mobile. Freaky but necessary I think.

So I have made the purchase from the BigMamaSling website. Deedum deedum.. let's hope it'll get here soonish, otherwise we have to use the wrap I made from the ripped bedsheet. Now that is frugalicious.

Allah knows best, Palestine.

2009-01-11T21:18:00.004Z

If you are in the UK, care to sign the petition to stop Britain from continuing the supply of weapons to Israel.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Arms-embargo/

The least I could do.

Her Loss

2009-01-10T00:20:00.005Z

Noah unwrapping his Christmas present.

Noah's first highchair experience in Wagamama.

Ever since Noah was born, I believe my empathy centre has grown rather denser. I cry easily at the slightest misfortune, accidents, deaths, trauma, killing anything really that involves children. Which brings the topic back again to Palestine. I'd rather not start here actually, because I only just managed to pull myself together after seeing some heart wrenching pictures on the net which successfully broke me to pieces. Astaghfirullahalazim STOP the killing already!! ....a long chat with an old friend in Plymouth, a cup of tea and a cuddle with Noah, seemed to have helped a bit, but still, sore.

Noah's gone back to bed after his 11pm feed. He should really cut down on this late feed but he is still not quite established on the solids yet. Hurm, having said that, it is my favourite feed of the day. Will be sad once we say goodbye to it.

On my heightened empathy, picture this. You and your baby walking around in Mamas and Papas looking for certain something, perusing the tasty display of certain something something and with you is a woman in her 20s whom this time last year lost her 3 month old baby from a very rare metabolic disease, which Ak diagnosed but that's not the point.

At one point I got diverted to the boy's clothes and she got engrossed with the pretty dresses on the girl's side. I was thinking, what are the chances that she is NOT thinking about how pretty her daughter would look in that dress. What are the chances that she is NOT missing the smell of her baby girl. What are the chances she is NOT wishing that her baby girl was there trying on the clothes. Then I thought what was I thinking !!!, so I walked out quickly.

Before that I already bought some clothes for Noah from Pumpkin Patch and she was very quiet. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea that I did some shopping as well that Tuesday. It started off with just a catch up lunch with her since she's been asking about Noah all the time. Needless to say I feel deeply deeply sorry for her. I wanted to tell her that don't worry darling, your baby girl will be waiting for you in heaven. But there is a belief issue at stake. I don't want her to think that I try to preach. Just what does one do?

Whole day that day I kept thinking about her. About her loss. About a belief system for her that might work to help her cope. Having to pick her up from the psychiatric outpatient department before the lunch, says something about coping don't you think.

She gave Noah a little Christmas present before we parted and I just wished I could reciprocate.

Staying In

2009-01-09T00:47:00.003Z

When it's 0 degree C outside, even Noah is content; just chilling and rocking and bouncing indoor. Who needs the sun and the vitamin D anyway. That is so last season huh Noah.

I am just happy that he is not going ape asking to be taken outside. Between 3 and 4 pm I usually wear him with a wrap I made from a bed sheet and we would walk along the river. The downside to following the river is that , because it's so cold all the swans and ducks are off the water and the diarrhoeal poop fringe the path so random, I'm worried somebody from Tate gallery might claim that it's an art. For me, that is not what you call a relaxing walk. Cold yes but not relaxing.

Yesterday we braved the cold to get Noah weighed. He is still on the 90th centile being 9.23 kg at 7 months. I think he is just beginning to put the weight back on. On the phone to Mak today, she mentioned about Noah looking 'not chubby in the cheeks' . I do agree with her, although seeing him everyday makes it less abvious to me that he was losing weight from the cold and coughs. I manage to downplay my worry to Mak. It is quite amazing to feel less worried all of a sudden when someone else is doing all the worrying. Sweet la Mak I ni.

Ok cowboy we are going to get you eating solids better now that you are on your road to recovery. This warrants a trip to Mothercare because you've outgrown all your sleepsuits, tinggal 3 aje yang muat. Apa kata Mummy pimp you jadi baby model nak? No need to buy baju. Teeheeee

Dugaan

2009-01-07T01:01:00.002Z

Tengoklah tu, muka toye aje anak Mummy ni. Still demam.

Noah, waktu ni, di Palestine, too many people are suffering. Bila Mummy tengok TV , tengok children's bodies laid in a row, I had goosebumps, my eyes welled up, I was properly angry. What do they mean they have no choice but to bomb the most densely populated area??? What do they mean by they bomb schools because they know that the Hamas are hiding among the civillians? What do they mean by they are fighting terrorism??? Killing more than 500 innocent people is not an act of terror???

Ya Tuhan. Apakah agenda yang Maha Kuasa menduga umat Islam di Gaza strip. Dia sahaja yang tahu. Kita sama sama doa semoga those left behind are given strength to keep going, because those children, and men and women who've left this world, are innocent, so InsyAllah Jannah for them.

Thinking language

2009-01-06T23:25:00.007Z

Some time ago, not in a kingdom far far away, probably just in my living room, somebody asked me whether I think in Malay when I speak in English.

I couldn't answer straight away. I tried thinking of the answer, but only strange sounds escaped uninvitingly, more of an unff and eiiighh but I couldn't really say A or B.

I guess I think in a thinking language. If you asked me, it resembles a blob of coco crunch - just one - floating and swirling in a sea of milk. When I actually know that I like the answer to my thought process the coco crunch sort of hit the side of the bowl and moor. A bit like a barge parking up by the side of the Thames. Then I feel like a sensation of soggy coco crunch wriggling up the side and jumping off the bowl cliff, that's when I stop thinking. That is when I am wide awake.

The other day, I woke up startled and I am not sure why. Ak was already up getting ready to go to work, and I (later on realized) asked him "Baby pukul berapa?". He didn't asnwer, and I asked again and again.

He then said " satu ringgit?". Then only I realized I was talking in Malay.

I guess in a state of delirious and half awake my default language is Malay but that is without thinking. So it doesn't answer the above question does it. The other thing is I guess Ak only associates "berapa" to the price of things. Sabar aje lah.

I Want to do something nice.

2009-01-03T00:15:00.004Z

Since we have a resident paediatrician in the house, who happens to be part of the quadratic equation of how Noah got here in the first place, I asked him over dinner.

Noah's mum: Do you think it's within limits that he is not turning yet?
Noah's dad: *Eyes fixed to the tv watching the Japanese guy drift* yeah, don't worry about it.
Noah's mum: I should have put him on his front more often shouldn't I?
Noah's dad: yeaaaah...you should. *Eyes still on the tv watching the other car drift*
Noah's mum: Baby!!!!
Noah's dad: what ..what baby. Look he's drifting.
Noah's mum: #@%$#^^&%*%#@

There you go, he didn't seem bothered by it.

Noah anakku cepat cepatlah meniarap ok, you duduk unsupported dah ok. Takkan terus walking kot, kalau jatuh terlentang how to get up kalau tak boleh meniarap??
So, just what do you get a guy who doesn't want anything for his birthday. He thinks birthdays are over rated. If so, then why did he book me a spa day for my birthday last year? Oooo dia buat tak apa kita buat tak boleh.

This is a guy whom I know loves cars but he refused to buy a new car until his green little HondaCivic packed up from the many trips he did going up to York to see me when we started going out. He actually reversed into a boulder in an attempt to do a trick. I was so touched by it. I mean how many people would back their cars into a stationary object just to see a smile on his fiance's face? He is a dufus like that but my sweet darling dufus.

I know that never in a million years he would buy himself a fast car. A car that would turn heads. He said to me to me once "Baby, if I ever got to the point where I WANT this (insert fast car model), just run me over with your car". He'd rather drive his now blue Honda Civic with a 'baby on board' sign everywhere, but we all know he loves cars. His mum told me that when he was small he used to collect car models and play with them all the time.

The other day he was talking about buying his brother a track day in a Lamborgini. I mean his brother is not really into cars, I mean yes he drives an Audi TT but he is more into planes, I mean that is so not the point. What I meant to say was, is that something that he would like for himself?

A track day in a Ferrari in Silverstone is about a hundred pounds and we could all make a day out of it. The plot thickens and we don't have long. It will be February soon and we would have nothing planned for daddy Noah .....apa you nak Mummy buat?

Sorry Noah

2009-01-02T13:52:00.004Z

I was staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour last night thinking about what could be the reason.

The reason for why Noah is still not turning onto his front. He sleeps on his back. I put him down like so and he would wake up exactly like that. Not a single thing's changed. It's almost like time comes to a complete halt when Noah enters his cot. It's good for a while but now I am getting worried. Is he going to turn ever?

I have been a voyeur to some mumsy blogs out there, just comparing notes, seeing how people do it, picking up tips as i go along. All them babies turned onto their fronts by 6 months, some even as early as 4 months. What is wrong with Noah?

I am thinking, Noah is a big boy. He is probably too heavy for himself. Probably too scared to turn. Scared that he might hempap himself. I am thinking Noah and whale in a same sentence. Nooooo not Noah and the whale.

I am also thinking, my fault. I never ever put him on his front. Not even for a short nap. I was so paranoid about sudden infant death syndrome that I think I've gone overboard. Too late to start?

I am then thinking about this one as well. It is very morbid.

When Noah was 5 months, we decided that we should nip it in the bud when he is still young and utilise the baby amnesia to it's full potential. I took Noah that day. He was his jolly self baby talking to almost all strangers in the clinic's waiting room. I was psyched. A baby came out having had the circumcision, wailing at the top of his lungs. Noah suddenly cried while looking around looking for the distressed baby. I dah mula tak sedap hati tau watching you menangis. I was amazed at your ability to sympathize. It really moved me but at the same time, I started to doubt my decision. I , would give a GA and the penile block for anyone who is having a circumcision and there i was about to hand over my own baby to meet a scalpel with just a penile block???? Oh My God I was so teruk ok.

When it was Noah's turn, I went in briefly and Noah parted with me with ease, smiling still biting down on his rattle I bought only the day before. I was about to betray him and he had no idea. Absolutely no idea. Something inside me was turning violently and i felt like I had to brace myself so nobody could tell that a tsunami was about to rip my internals apart. Somebody inside me was also hoping that he would suddenly refuse to stay so we didn't have to do it. But I left and I locked myself in a WC.

I prayed so hard that it's the right time to do it that it's going to be ok. I know it's the right thing to do. A nurse summoned me back in. They found it difficult to settle Noah so my presence in their opinion might calm him. Well did you put the penile block in??? Noah was screaming. Did they leave the block in long enough to give it chance to work?? Noah didn't look like he had anything given. I wasn't about to be anal so all I did was shower him with kisses. I trusted them.

The 20 minutes felt like forever. Noah was strapped down on a mini cruxifix and all the time he tried to turn towards me. He was going to turn onto his front then, but what did I do, I didn't let him, instead I let some GPs feast on his little phiphi. I would never forget that day and i would never let another child of mine go through a suboptimum penile block.

It's only my gut feeling but I think subconsciously Noah doesn't want to turn because he is traumatised by the whole thing. How do I make it right?

NEW YEAR? REALLY?

2009-01-01T13:41:00.003Z

Another year just went by I see. I don't even remember what I was doing when it turned 2008. It's 2009 already?I was definitely pregnant at the time.

2008 has been more than just a year to me. I became a mother. Before that I had no idea how fulfilling it is to just stay at home with a baby. I have always worked since I was let loose from the medical school. It's just that I always feel like a failure if I am not out there sticking needles or tubes or anything that resembles a torturing device in somebody. Now I am contemplating to just carry on being at home with Noah. Hurm....*rubbing imaginary stubbles*

He is going to turn 7 months in 3 days. Still breastfed. Actually even more so now that he is still run down with cold and coughs. Actually actually, he is back to being fully breastfed. He has refused solids completely since 2 weeks ago. The glitches of weaning huh. We started so well with all the food I made for him. I pureed them, froze them and now they are probably expiring. Not that we could take the cubes of food to the river and feed the ducks with them. Choking nanti mati semua itik itik tu.I am just a bit sorry that we are wasting food Noah boy. If you don't want them then Mummy can't possibly force you to have them.

On wasting, I plan to be less wasteful. For a start, we are not going to buy another sling now that Noah's outgrown the Mamasandpapas carrier. The carrier can take up to 9 kg, so Noah must be more than 9 kg now. I am guessing because everytime I took him to the open baby clinic to get him weighed, first time I got the day wrong, second time,we got there 30 minutes to closing time, and they refused to entertain us. I know, I carried you all that 500 yards in the cold in a homemade wrap which was digging my clavicles a little bit because I didn't do it properly only to be told to go away. I do dig the whole babywearing though. I t's the way to be.The last time Noah was weighed at 4 months he was 8.4 kg, and Ak kept telling me I am paranoid but I guess there is a paranoia in all new mums.

So new year huh, I still have to make up for the days I didn't fast because my milk was drying up. If I don't do it quick it will turn 2010 and it will take twice the effort to fast then. On that note, I found that oatmeal, dates and rasberry leaf with a bit of nettle leaf tea make you flow out milk. It is kind of amazing. I've just figured it out this week.

I didn't plan to write loads and didn't plan to edit either, so HAPPY NEW YEAR as it is! Noah dah bangun laaaa

My Room

2008-12-24T13:13:00.002Z

I would say Noah took the whole transition pretty well. The first night we moved him into his room, he was a bit unsettled. He kept waking up before his 11 pm feed, quite disturbed. He kept looking around, at the different curtains, different arrangements, different things around the room while almost screaming the terrified scream. Or maybe he saw the non angelic things flying around.

I do believe in the angels and jins and demons so after a couple of verses from the Qoran, he mellowed and fell asleep. I was like wow... and Ak and I exchanged the look.

It;s About The Daddy

2008-12-24T00:13:00.002Z

Tulis blog ni macam satu benda yang best pula. I used to write nearly everyday because to be honest I was lonely, far away from home, and in a twisted kind of way, my soul was tortured. At the time my ideas were like Victoria falls, tak cukup cukup nak tulis.

Pain and loneliness seem to be the active ingredients to write. It also helped at the time that I was in a job where I could say I don't mind not getting paid to do a day's job. Tak boleh hari2 la kan, lagu tu makan pasir la pulak. Everyday something happened that tickled me pink and I just wished I could tell it to somebody at home come the end of the day.

Was I unhappy though, looking back maybe I was. Now that I am not unhappy, the creative juices are drying up. Tak tahu apa nak tulis. Macam Avril Lavigne, lepas kawin all her songs are not as good as before. But today I handmade the secret Santa Ak a Christmas card for Geetha. Handsome jugak card tu. Woh creative lagi la Cik Miah ni.

I have been writing for 4 years now on and off. Can you believe it. In that time, I dodged a few guys and their rings, wasted hundreds of pounds on lame Malay guys, before my good old friend
from medical school proposed to me after he came back from Sierra Leone.

This is the guy who let me borrow his cycle carrier when we first started our housejob together, a guy who sahur with me in that derelict hospital accomodation in Ramadhan, the guy whose sense of humour beats Friends episode, the guy who would vegitate with me in the common room over the weekends because we couldn't be asked to socialize with pub people. I have always liked him but never in my life I could imagine him liking me in that sort of way then. He was way out of my league.

Next month marks 2 years we are married. I thank God for giving me the inability to say yes to anyone else in the past.

Kenapa sekarang baru nak cerita? sebab saya cinta kamu laa..vomit bowl kat tepi tu ye

Home again

2008-12-23T12:50:00.007Z

Watchu doing?

I'm just finishing off Noah's petits filous. He usually gobbles the whole pot within minutes but today, he only managed half of it. Let's not talk about the food I made, he is not having any of it. Pelbagai aksi tipu helah telah dicuba namun Noah tetap champion geleng kepala dan tepis sudu bila datang dekat. Whereas usually kalau sudu transit in the air sebab mummy terdistracted by the iklan on TV, you can hear a grunt, macam lembu terjerut leher. Mummy sayang you la Noah sebab tu Mummy panggil you lembu. Maybe because it's not as smooth as the petits filous. I know, Noah is fluee again.

Even when I tricked him into having some other foods like the swede and potato he'd just bring it all up again. I don't know how many bedsheets we went through last week, the house is beginning to look a lot like a laudrymat.

His best day was the day we went to Heathrow to pick up Daddy and Dhadi (grandma, mother of the Daddy). I think it's cool that in Urdhu, they have special names to distinguish between the grandparents of the mother and the father. So grandad will be Dhada, and my mum will be Nanni to Noah and Ba' will be Nanna. Neat. Eventhough Dhada has passed away but I sometimes show Noah his pictures. This is creepy but when when I first laid my eyes on Noah my thoughts were, apart from thank god for epidural and Ak looked so good in bluescrubs, Noah looked like his Dhada lah...* blink* turned my head to the side *blink* eh yelaaaah. Not so anymore.

I digress, nak cerita Noah demam dah melalut la pula. Lazatnya petits filous ni. So yes, when I first saw Ak at the airport I thought that can't be him, it was a cross between Jesus and Ahmad bin Mohammed from Somalia. Arafat really burnt him, but his eyes, still bright as a button. Squeezed tight I heard him say "God never again am I going to leave you two for that long". I thought man I missed you so much and thank God for your safe return then I thought about Cinnabon for no apparent reason. Oh I know, it was 9 am and I didn't have chance to have breakfast. Bangun at 6, force feed Noah in his sleep, bundled him in the carseat, and off we went.

Ok let's move away from the gayness of missing one's husband. Ak's cough was pretty bad and Mummy's was no better. Mummy's voice was swanned actually and she looked like she could sleep anywhere. I love the look of mummy though, not sure what it was, the hijab? the calmness, the almost sorrowful look? Or was it just the Haj flu and lack of sleep?

I need to wrap a gift for Ak, well it's not for him, it's one of those secret Santa doohickeys they do at work. He got a jumper from his secret Santa so it's only fair that he returns the favour. I am going to let him give away one of my bottles and bottles of perfume. They are still in their boxes. Good as new, but do perfumes have expiry dates? I hope it hasn't morphed into something like cottage cheese.

So apart from the prayer mats, the Qurans, the funky home slippers (they are super snazzy), the Hilton slippers, and pretty little bracelets, we all got the ultimate gift from the Holy land lah ya, haj flu is the name.

Sepetang Bersama Noah Berhingus

2008-12-11T14:44:00.001Z

Ahah! Look at that the magic of bluetooth. I am feeling particularly techie today although looking at sleeping Noah, I could probably do with a lesson on how to rotate a picture.

For You I'd Stay Up All Night

2008-12-11T14:17:00.000Z

I didn’t think I could love another being this much. Scary.

Looking back I had it easy really. Even though the last 6 months has been a steep learning curve, it has also been kind. I didn’t think I’d cope that well by myself being a first time mom. Of course Ak was there being my rock and my star. Hmm…Ak a rockstar? (He is pretty good at guitar hero, no pun intended) I had my fair share of sleep deprivation but no more so than if I was working night shifts on the labour ward.

Last night Noah struggled to sleep on a bunged up nose. He’d drift off with his mouth open, breathing he tried, in and out, ( the gurgling sound was somehow soothing to me, knowing he was breathing). As he went deeper into his slumber, his mouth closed up and he’d try to breath through his nose and immediately fought for breaths and choke and struggled and he’d be fully awake screaming. Twice now he vomited his milk.

The screaming was very short lived. I’d rub his chest and he’ll drift off again and the cycle repeated itself. Whenever he felt my cold hand, (the heater is still broken), he would grab it quick and keep it on his chest. I felt needed, exclusively.

I was so scared that his mouth breathing mechanism would fail to kick in. He was so scared that I’d leave him he grabbed my hand so hard. He would try again and again and again to fall asleep. Thinking maybe, he is such a nuisance. Sorry Mommy I don’t mean to wake you up.

It’s ok sweetheart, for you I’d stay up the whole night. And stay up I did, to rub his tummy and to do intermittent chin lift.

Today, this zombie mummy struggled to get through the day, so we wrapped up warm and went to Costa coffee and it must be the dry freezing air that dried up his nose, he slept through my toated Panini, through the almond cake and hot chocolate. How else do I prepare for tonight?

Why is that woman staring at our table?

on Haj

2008-12-10T00:29:00.002Z

I was feeling pretty cut off from the whole Eidul Adha celebration. It’s just me and Noah this year. All by ourselves in this cold cold house. The heater’s decided to fall apart and I think my marrow is turning into phish fud.

When I tried to sound desperate on the phone to the maintenance people, they did a monkey on me and so I chose to ring them again when Noah was screaming halfway through his feed. He does this in the last two days because of the blocked nose. He feeds poorly, sleeps very badly at night and boy isn’t he grumpy when things don’t go his way. Last night his temperature was sky high and possibly his thermostat going must heat up Noah must heat up Noah and gave him a fever. I blame the lack of heat. I blame myself for not being pushy enough with the monkeys.

My poor little fella. Forgive mummy for being such a dufus.

And so…Noah’s daddy’s ran off with another woman to another country.

I know. You thought it’s forever when you say I do. * Scoff*
But they’re coming back in 6 days! * somersault Noah cepat yeaaa *

Eventhough this is Ak’s third time going to Haj, this time he has his mum to look after. Mother in law’s knees are getting athritic so they might be struggling a bit. But I so hope they do well.

I’m not sure how many times I thought about what good things I have done to deserve somebody like him. Makes me also think that true I don’t deserve him, so I have to prove my worthiness quick or risk losing him. Lose him how, I don’t know la how. It’s my fear. I just have it in my head that I am going to lose him unless I become super good super fast. On Eid itself Ak gave us a surprise call all the way from Mecca. I hate it when I sound excited on the phone, he might think I love him or something.

He didn’t sound good. Looks like he’s got a touch of cold as well. Maybe they just miss each other.

Eid Mubarak all.

Different worlds.

2008-10-13T23:27:00.007Z

In 2004, a British journalist was shot down in Gaza while trying to save some Palestinian children caught in a line of fire. The Israeli gunman was sentenced to 8 years of prison, 4 times the usual sentence if Thomas Hurndall hadn't been British.

The world that we are living in still watches on as Palestinians are 'shooed' out of their homes. I watched the documentary with a different sense of disbelief. Eid would have been so different to how Malaysians celebrate it. I didn't realize how big and off-key we celebrate it in Malaysia until Ak pointed it out to me. It was his first Eid there this year.

He is right though. What's with the dancing and the disturbing hip hop rap by baju melayu clad boys on TV? Women with pink hair in tight kebaya twirling around to Raya songs, just like drag queens high on ketupats. What's that all about. I am so not proud of that.

What I am proud of though, is that he can point to almost any food and it will be halal. Also I am proud that from the 13th floor of Seri Maya he can hear the Subuh athan loud and clear. I am proud that as messed up as it is my family, each one of them loves him dearly.

I actually don't need to convince him to migrate to Malaysia, he's already said to me "say when and we will move", but will Malaysia treat him well? Will the bureaucracy let him down?

I want no regrets, I just can't let him down.

Bercakap melayu, atau tidak.

2008-09-24T20:54:00.002Z

Hari ni tiba tiba rasa sesuatu. Mengenai Noah lah siapa lagi. Dia ketawa kerkekek kekek kalau kita kata " Who's a good boy, who's a good boy". Tak pernah pula saya buat cubaan bercakap melayu dengan dia.

Kerana perasaan sesuatu itu makin menebal, tadi, saya beranikan berumula bercakap melayu dengan Noah. Entah kenapa saya risau dia akan kerutkan kening dan berikan saya muka
"Mummy, are you well?" Tak masuk akal sebab dia masih kecil, tapi itulah yang terlintas dikepala saya.

Jadi tadi sebelum waktu mandi saya mula dengan "Siapa budak bagus...siapa budak bagus". Oh bunyinya sangat plastik. Cubaan beralih arah kepada bahasa Kelate, " Mano hee budok jughuuuh", oh wow macam menyarungkan sarung tangan ke tangan yang sama saiz dengan sarung tangan itu. Kalau tak analogy ni tak bolehlah diguna betul tak. Sangat bertepatan. Tak apalah busuk busuk, datuk dan neneknya di Pasir Puteh gembira.

Dah tak lama nak raya ni, lusa dah nak balik Malaysia, tak sabar. So kalau saya tak jenguk dilaman web ni lagi selepas ni, saya nak ucapkan SELAMAT HARI RAYA kepada segelintir kecil mereka yang membaca blog ini. Semoga anda dapat menyambutnya dengan keberkatan tanpa nak menunjuk nunjuk, melaram tak tentu pasal atau membazir dimusim semua barang mahal. Maaf zahir dan batin.

Flight Home

2008-09-23T11:39:00.003Z

Noah is down for his siesta and although I didn't get much sleep last night I must not sleep now. So many things to do before we fly out to Malaya on Friday! Excited, anxious, excited, anxious.

Excited I may be now but I was up almost all night trying to get Malaysia Airlines people to fupping accept the credit card already. I have to say that the online service is still in need of a bit of tinkering. For one, the page with the reference number came up 2 seconds before disappearing without a trace, so when I rang up to buy the damn thing of course they asked me for the booking reference. I garu my kepala and tarik my nafas. Rasa nak sumpah sumpah, tapi refrain and control I did. Heesh, I would have had it if the page hadn't zap out adik oi.

All of the above could be well avoided if I had the brain to book the internal flight early. Nak hantuk my kepala laa. My bad. I secretly wished that Ak would be angry or a bit cheesed off, but nope. Sadist me I know.

Due the whole debacle, we didn't get any flight to Kota Bharu until the 29th of September and even that is business class. If that day is Raya already that would be so not funny. I tell you the frustration at 3 am in the morning was alarming and also not funny. Ya I know huh, you'd think Noah was being difficult but no, he slept through the night again. Lihat peha Noah! Gigit gigit gigit dia.

Sleep Training

2008-09-22T18:33:00.003Z

I was talking to a friend at her house yesterday when the topic of bedtime came up. She has two boys, one is 4 years old and the other is a toddler. She made it look so easy with putting them to bed just after orchestrating together, dare I say a complicated breaking fast feast. I would probably be left with burnt down kitchen and a screaming baby me.

This woman always amazes me. She was the one who gave us Gina Ford the book.

For Noah, bedtime has always been a little bit of a fight. Not exactly world war 3 but I wouldn't say it's a walk in the park either.

I used to bribe him with the titties, cajoling him with the rocking of the cot, humming the 'burung kakatua', waltzing to the newborn music bought at Mothercare for 6.99, the works, but he wasn't having any of it. I know some people advocate 'controlled crying' as in just leave the baby in the room, in the dark to just fall asleep on his own but how is that controlled and oh how mean!

I personally think it's unacceptable. How would you feel being left alone in the dark, divorced from so much love, attention and warmth of bountiful cuddles you have been getting all day? So much so that people keep cuddling you even when you've had enough? Come evening, there, abandoned, unwanted, well not exactly but the baby must be feeling exactly that.

No big studies have yet shown any association between 'abandoned-babies-at-bedtime' to 'difficult-to-deal-with-adults' but I can just imagine that it must somehow shortchange the baby's emotional development. What do I know?

Now at 3 months and a half Noah is capable of falling asleep by himself. Don't be fooled though, he's laid down some ground rules for this to happen.

1. I must be fed to the brim. Watch for signs like turning my face away from the boobie. Don't be fooled by me dozing off, just give me a nudge.
2. I must be bathed, oiled and massaged, my nappy crisp and I must smell nice.
3. I don't care what you do in the room but just be there until I drift off.

Demanding but worth it for No-Noah respite between 7 and 11.

Last night he slept through the night from 10 pm, waking up just in time to send off our cousin to the train station so she can catch the Eurostar back to Brussel. I put it down to tiredness after a whole day punting in Oxford. Nevertheless, attaboy!!

2008-09-18T20:34:00.001Z

This is officially the 5th time I've tried watching Brokeback Mountain- I just can't bring myself to watch man on man. Enggggahhhhhh! *Menggelupur*

Supply and demand.

2008-09-16T21:43:00.003Z

Day 15 of Ramadhan and I have to say I only managed 7 days out of them. By day 6 the demand was surging and the supply was trickling. All I can say is I did my best but my best is not good enough. Failure = kecundang?

My English is not great but my Bahasa Melayu is getting worse. Have you ever imagined a word in your head, how it makes sense but when you say it out loud it kind of not? The word today is kecundang? Saya kecundang untuk menyediakan susu untuk anak saya. Well gagal is more apt but what is kecundang?

What amazes me is this, and I don't think it's because Noah is a genius baby, this is what babies are set to do. On that day 6 he was suckling every hour. Something must have triggered him to want to suck every hour. It wasn't like him to be clingy like that. Yes my boy is allergic to cuddles. Whatever did I do to deserve this. Anyway, how very cunning you see because it is all to do with increasing the demand to increase the supply. Again how so very clever.

And yet people still think we all evolve from apes. Things just swim around some gazzilion years ago and randomly merged and have order in place without anything telling them to do that.

Noah is in bed since 7pm and his Daddy is back on call, time to google some books.

Being Mumsy

2008-09-16T12:53:00.005Z

Noah is having his noon kip and so is his Daddy. Only his Daddy is probably trying to have his proper sleep as his on call last night was probably busy. He didn't tell me the whole story but I guess it must have been because he mentioned "play around with the ventilator" not to mention he looked like one of those back up dancers in Michael Jackson's video clip. Thriller?

I realize this blog has morphed into one of those mumsy blogs. Well I intend to be as mumsy as possible from now on because that's what I am, a mother, and a very accidental one at that but I am determined to learn more for the benefit of everybody in the family.

I now understand why people gloat so much about their babies and the obsession about breastfeeding. If I have never achieved anything else in my life , medical degree, professional exams, married to a man with prettier legs than me, seeing Noah grow on my milk is enough to make me very very warm with pride. Gloat worthy. Not to mention the joy having him in my arms.

babble babble, Noah Noah.

I have been googling around for a lot of breastfeeding blogs and mumsy blogs. Sure, Dr. Miriam Stoppard's book is on the shelf but I love reading crude stories from genuine Mums out there. Pumping stories, freezing , storing, the sheer determination juggling work full time and breastfeeding exclusively. I could only admire from far. As for me, I would like to contribute but so far, as I am boobies on legs, staying at home until at least February next year, I don't have much problems feeding my fast approaching 4 months mark baby.

One thing I do need is a nursing bib, or shawl or whatever they call it to make nursing a little bit discreet. I have gone onto a couple of websites and I am not sure I want to pay that much for a piece of cloth stitched together just to cover the chest. I can understand if they can also transform into Superman's cape or Aladin's magic carpet. Has anybody made their own?

Burung kakatua

2008-09-15T23:34:00.002Z

During Noah's bath time today a familiar nursery rhyme had an airtime,

Barung kaka tuaaaaaaaaaa
Hinggaaa di jindilaaa
Nene suda duaaa
Giginya tinggal tuaaaa

Mommy: You've got them wrong
Daddy: It's his favourite....*Continue singing*

The Question

2008-09-15T19:21:00.002Z

We moved to this 2 bedroom apartment just before my due date. That was 4 months ago.

Behind it, River Thames snakes gracefully. It's depth and shyness are very much capable of robbing my time that I had aplenty while waiting for Noah to arrive. I frequently just sat on one of the benches that generously fringe the river banks. I watched the boats sail by. Boys and girls from the town boat club zapped by in their pods, very serious with their rowing. I read a few books during that time, one of which was The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai.

I guess after reading Fine Balance by Rohinto Mistry, the above book just struggled to match up. A few days ago, the Final FRCA book arrived from the college. Then the question loomed over me. I just wonder if I am going to commit myself to anaesthetics, go back to work,fight for a numbered post, do the exam and leave Noah in the care of somebody else, or am I just going to stay at home until he is about 2.

I have never not worked. I haven't spoken about work for ages to anybody. I feel stagnant.

But just look at his smile and his little fingers tracing a circle in that gap between my breasts when I nurse him. I feel blessed.

Getting is shape

2008-09-14T21:16:00.003Z

The run is getting better. I managed 30 minutes along the river, across the wooden bridge on the North and back on myself. One thing though, I need to express the bon-bons just before. Bon-bons is what girls call those boobies back in TKC. Back then I am not sure why I get all menggelupur when people call them tetek. Wait I actually still do. Hurghghghghhg.

Even with these achy bon-bon I run. Firstly because I used to love running. I used to run in college at weekends, I used to run by the lake where the Shah Alam Mosque is, I used to do a few lapses in Hyde Park. Then came Uni and other things caught my attention. Circuit training, yoga, moga and other fancy stuff.

Secondly, Ak ran Dublin Marathon 2 years ago just before he proposed to me and the least I could do is overtake him and Noah in the stroller.

Hmmm trifle or creme caramel for dessert....

Routines

2008-09-10T21:03:00.007Z

I didn't buy this book by Gina Ford. A friend gave it to us when we were expecting. To be fair, we did look tad bit clueless and also Ak started looking around for books to read when we hit 20 weeks. It may have looked like he was more interested in what's going on in my tummy than I was at the time, but I, well I guess I have to agree. I was in a perpetual shock.

One thing that always amazes me is his genuine thirst for knowledge and how little he thinks he knows. He knows a lot. I know that. I get a pat in the back by some friends and nurses saying 'You shouldn't have any worries having a paediatrician as a husband'. I guess it is that expectation that makes him want to make sure that he measures up all the time. I'm not sure.

Even when there is no expectation, he would search long and hard for an answer he owes to parents of a sick kid for example. I remember when a 3 month old presented to him last year, with a mysterious illness, he practically littered our living room with books and hover on his laptop for hours. The kid died soon after, the parents were devastated until now. No way she could have survived the rare metabolic disease, but I know Ak must have done something more than just being the doctor because they made him the godfather and insisted that he went to the funeral. May she rests in peace.

Well I was going to go through Noah's routine today, but it all became about the dad. My mind I tell you, it wanders to places sometimes I feel exhausted just to keep up with.

So Noah's day starts at 7 am normally and I usually feed him first because almost like a clockwork he will do a 'stinkah' on me, so I thought why waste nappies? But lately because of the nature of morning nappies being so heavy laden from overnight pee pee, the nappy tends to leak, so I change him first then feed. The feed lasts usually for about 30 mins. A breast an a half.

He will then nap for half an hour after 9 am. Feed again at 11 and another nap at 12. These naps were at quite random places today. First in Mothercare because I needed to get a bottle and some milk storage bags. I've been going through bouts of fear that he might not let go of nursing well if I leave it too late. So we need to get practicing with bottles. I tried Tommy Tippee with him with no luck and I heard of some good words about Breastflow. So we shall see.

Ak thinks I am being paranoid, considering by the time my maternity ends and I go back to work, Noah will be about 9 months. He might not need a bottle at all. So why the push? I guess it's the thought that I can leave him with somebody so I could run errands, run, pilates, exam courses, hair cut, massage maybe. Am I trying to do too much too soon? Do I miss what I used to be?

Oh and the second nap in Tesco. He fell asleep while chuckling to my jiggle-the-susu with the honeydews. Is that normal? What happens to 'drifting' to sleep like normal babies? The nap was only for about an hour. Another hour at home after. At 3 months I think 3 hours of sleep during the day is enough as he would sleep well at night. The worst I've done is letting him sleep for two hours between 4 and 6 pm. In the night, he woke up for night feed and wanted to play!

He gets fed at 2pm and usually this will make him last until his bath time with Daddy at 6pm. His Daddy complains that this is not enough and I understand totally. He goes before Noah wakes up and home just in time for the bath. That could be me if I had to go back to work. I am forever grateful for this whole 9 months paid maternity leave. National Health Service is not bad at all.

So after 2:30 pm, I keep Noah occupied. Today he tagged along to my physiotherapy for my wrists. He then kips for another half an hour between 4 and 5. Ak came back early, so I could go for my second time ever run. The first one was on Sunday and it's the same route by the river Thames. It was pathetic. There was me hobbling along and Ak overtook me while 'strolling' Noah and talking on the phone, still in his work clothes.

Rome wasn't built in a day and those extra weight weren't put on in a day, I keep telling myself. I managed 20 minutes non-stop and that is pretty good going for this fat ass. Noah fed at 6:30 pm and I settled him in the cot just after 7.

So what bugs me still with his routine is the fact that everything seems fine if he starts his day at 7 am, but if I have to feed him at 5 am then it messes up the whole morning until 2pm. Gina's book doesn't help much with this problem. Oh well we'll just muddle through it until we get it figured out. It's not like I am going anywhere.

At night, his last feed is about 11 pm and I leave it up to him as to how much he needs. He would last until just before 7 am and on a strange days 5 am when he would just 'baby talk' in the cot non stop. Maybe he does Subuh prayer. This is only just recently. Up till 2 weeks ago I was still feeding him once in the night.

Both boys are asleep now and I should really finish my Al-Baqarah, good night.

Baby on board

2008-09-04T12:02:00.004Z

Ak and I agree on this before, why bother putting the sign 'BABY ON BOARD' when people are expected to drive as they would the day they pass their driving tests. Seems redundant.

I have to say that I have now put one on Ak's car. Reason being, there are a lot of impatient people out there on the road and it does not take much for people to snap. I have seen it on CSI and CSI is about real life. Uh huh.
Maybe a crazy slow moving blue Honda?

People get impatient when they have no sympathy. They have no clue as to what could be going on in the blue Honda. For example, a baby could be screaming because he's hot and needs a couple of layers taken off without taking him out of the seat. For this Mommy needs to Indiana Jones herself into the back seat. Boy that never happened to us before has it Noah?

Or, the baby could be screaming and you have no idea yet why. All sorts you know, and it just makes it easier when the screaming is only in the blue Honda and not coming from other cars as well.

Or worse, if there's been an accident, when people see 'baby on board' but with an empty car seat,they would at least think of a possibility that a baby might have been catapulted out of the car, or wedged in a convenient place elsewhere. Very morbid nih.

So yesterday the Master had his second immunisation injections and boy you have a loser Mommy because she welled up and sniffled and couldn't speak after. I saw that how-could-you look you gave the nurse. I liked it. What with your generous smiles and coos and ahh you gave her only to be reciprocated by stabs in the thighs. How could she, that's right I never trust any nurses.

You could have cried longer to make her feel bad, although I know them species they never feel guilty for anything.

They weighed him as well and he is way up on the 90th centile at 7.14 kg. That's double your birth weight at 3 months. Say thank you nice boobies!

Milky thoughts

2008-09-01T22:28:00.002Z

First day Ramadhaning, it’s been a hard day no doubt. By midday my throat felt like it grew spikes and my top palate felt furry.

I was beginning to feel some sort of a negotiation going on between the breast cells and the rest of the body. But no, these ones are made of good stuff I know, and they are not about to give up. I know that doing this wrong they will be sacrificed in the name of survival.

Alhamdulillah the feeds for Noah were not compromised. He was a bit fractious towards the evening but I can only hope that there was enough there as he is still asleep now.

I am breastfeeding exclusively, and I want to continue to do so. Also, really not keen on the idea of mixing the feeds with formula if I can avoid it. But this is just day one, we shall see.

To Muslims everywhere, Ramadhan Mubarak, and to mothers out there fasting and breastfeeding, you go girl.

Independence

2008-08-31T12:42:00.005Z

For Malaysia, it is the independence day today. I only realized that when I was trying to update the car taxdisc online. Selamat Merdeka. Hmmm Betulkah kita sudah merdeka? Also tomorrow is the first day of fasting. Fasting and brestfeeding, I have a slight anxiety there. Can I hack it?

Selak dan belek blog-blog yang ada, rata rata wanita Malaysia suka makan ya? Hampir semua suka menampal gambar gambar makanan yang mereka makan. Oh saya pun suka tengok gambar makanan. Siapa tak suka makan. Makan , minum sex. Suka semua. Sebab tu lah ada Ramdhan untuk manusia.

Lari topic pulak. Kalau gambar makanan sahaja biasalah tu, tapi ada juga mereka yang membangga diri akan betapa pelahapnya mereka. Lebih suka mereka bercakap mengenai berat badan mereka, wah bangga sekali akan kejahilan mereka akan sifir ringkas untuk memiliki berat badan didalam kurungan BMI yang selamat. Orang Malaysia makin gemuk, kerana makanan semakin kaya dengan kolesterol, gaya hidup makin menghampiri cara manusia diangkasa dalam movie Wall-E.
Tapi wanita, jika wanita dalam keluarga itu gemuk, hampir sentiasa benar, keluarga itu akan gemuk.

Alaaa, orang nak tulis panjang panjang lagi pasal merdeka, dia dah bangun. Noaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Pain in the thumb

2008-08-31T10:01:00.005Z

When it comes to muggy Sundays, it used to be..ahhhh cuppa tea, a good book and a box of chocolate under the duvet. No one to care for, no one to answer to. If I wasn't on call that is.

Today, Sunday, cuppa tea and a handful of drugs. I exaggerate, just a tablet of Pregnacare, a fish oil and some brufens. Not quite a druggie yet but getting there, I just can't live without brufen now. The pain in my thumbs are killing me. Poor Noah has to endure the spastic maneuver of random toss and turn to get him into position for his feeds. Better that than dropping him on the floor if I insist on using my thumbs.
I shudder at the very thought.

I believe that the pain in my thumbs is De Quervain tenosynovitis. Apparently, it's also called Mother's thumb as it is seen in many breastfeeding mothers. But how common? back then brestfeeding mothers also wash nappies by hands and the repetitive wringing action could be the reason.

Google failed to answer me, and I am not anywhere near any of my Orthpods to ask this question. If it is a repetitive strain injury, what repetitive movement have I been doing? I am still in search of the answer.

So far, for damage control, Ak nicked a thumb spica from the hospital. I have been wearing it when I am out with Noah to Tesco mostly because of the lifting. I mean Noah and his car seat is not getting any lighter, at 8 weeks his weight was 6.3 kg and in 4 days he will be 3 months and my guess is ...7 kg? more? We shall see at his routine check up.

Although, in the last week he slowed down a bit with his feeding during the day and dropped his night feeds to just once. I worry that it might have something to do with the 4 hour walk we did in the dales near West Burton over the weekend. On top of that, the 4 hour drive up the motorway. It must have taken toll on his body, but having said that how many women can honestly say that they've flashed their boobies at some cows and sheep? I think a couple of people walked past us as well and apparently I took no notice. Oh I am such a slut.

Noah was great though. He was enjoying the plush clean air, the many colours of greens, the waterfall and the musty smell about it, the sheep, the stinking smell of manure and my constant poking at his hat to make sure he's not looking straight at the sun. Can babies wear shades?

Compared to watching Wall-e at the VUE 3 weeks before that, I have to agree with his Daddy, that this is good for him. I thought Ak was joking when he suggested that we brought an eight week old baby to the cinema. Well apart from his 10 o'clock feed, he was awake probably just enough to catch a glimpse of Wall-e before having a Wall-e dream for the rest of the morning. I'm glad we went up to see Poopoo Sabah and I am glad Ak made us go out on a hike. Still not sure about Wall-e.

ah Looks like somebody is up from his morning nap. Toodles.

Little buddy

2008-08-25T22:23:00.003Z

You are such a simple creature.
WaaaWaaaaWaaa.... a little boobie action and a little while later a smile from ear to ear.

Eiighhhheighhheighh...change your nappy and a smile with a bit of coo and a delightful shriek. You love your changing mat I am beginning to call it a magic mat. You are indeed your daddy's boy.

Yawn 3 times, a 7 mile stare and a couple of long blinks later, you are away in your little dreamland. I wish sometimes you are awake a little bit longer buddy.

I worry sometimes that - Mommy is not good enough for you.

Stop the Clock

2008-08-11T23:18:00.005Z

Officially this year, I am older. Not just because the age counter flipped and said so, more so, I feel so.

I never gave a hoot about age before, still am not, but what I have been through in the past two years beckoned a re-examination of my sojourn in this lifetime. So as the counter adds another year I trust myself to be another year wiser.

I certainly am content and am beginning to let go of some wishes that I have because I know it's worldly and material driven. Tell me who doesn't like a day of Spa treatment or another diamond ring or any other worldly possessions? But that's sometimes what you might get when you actually don't wish for anything other than love from those you love.

The moment that I love about that day I turned 32 was seeing the man who stole my heart standing outside the Spa centre, with the best gift of all in his arms, slumbering away into the baby dreamworld.

Tired I guess from planning Mommy's surprised birthday party.

Picture Perfect

2008-07-10T10:11:00.003Z

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself, where you also have loads of other people as extras in the background and wonder if they know that they have played a role in being part of the background?

I've always been part of the background, when I do my job. Putting drips in, sticking epiduralss, sticking spinals , helping to deliver a new life into the world. In a mad rush, with the pandemonium of people pickled with adrenaline, you try your best to be quick, efficient slick and safe.

The baby then arrives and the paediatricians are happy with the Apgar, then you feel like you deserve a pat in the back. You look on to the couple probably terrified to death, now beaming with newfound smiles, crying and laughing at the same time. You feel happy to be part of an auspicious event.

But that is me as part of the background. On 4th of June 2008, I was on the receiving end. No more background, I was the 'picture'. Noah Luqman arrived after a 17 hr battle, via C-section.

Certainly the scariest moment in my life. Certainly didn't care much about what the anaesthetist, the paediatricians, the surgeons were saying to me. I felt like I was in a different world. World of pain. Excruciating pain. That is an underestimation still.

Well, he's perfect, 10 little fingers, 10 little toes..( I wouldn't go as far as saying he was cute at that point..yes you heard Mummy right Noah, you looked more like Elmo..hihihihih)

06032008

2008-03-27T19:57:00.003Z

The last time I was in the London, the mood was high, lots of laughter in the car, voice of Tomtom drowned. We took a wrong turn but hey who cares. There was always somebody being picked on, that's the most important thing.

Conversations scuttled to beyond my interest, we past Harrods on the right. I looked to the left, the old building was still there. Time froze and my chest had a splurge of breath. I had to take a deep breath, I sighed. A sudden fear of losing the sight of it, overcame me, but for what reason, what rubbish. Crazy.

I danced in the room, twirl. My body young, agile, soft and supple.
I remember the smell, the soft fabric against my hips, clingy it was. Cascading just where it should.

Eyes locked on the mirror, I saw you, saw me.
"You are beautiful".

I hope you too are loved, happy birthday.

Afternoon to self

2008-01-25T15:43:00.000Z

I rarely get days to myself lately, but I did today.

Sitting in the middle of a bustling shopping mall square, I scoffed down prawn mayo baguette, mocha and brownies. I watched people going in and out of Next. I watched people saunter along rows of job agency booths. The rest of the people filled up the space in between.

I noticed,

a) I have no problems eating by myself
b) Ugly people can still have beautiful babies
c) Women with prams make up 90% of the mall population
d) Most of the prams where Mamas and Papas
e) He is starting to kick mummy, so that's what it feels like.
f) babie, babies, babies

Friendship lost

2007-11-14T09:56:00.000Z

True, I have embarked on a new journey, treading unchartered waters. Not alone, and I am loving every second . He is my missing eye, my missing ear, my missing piece.

Standing where I am now, I could see, that the trail I left behind weren't as insignificant as I thought it would be. I have inflicted pain, bruised, wounded and scarred a few people.

Inadvertently, I stirred friendships. Caused wedge between people. It may seemed like I was fully conscious when I was in the situation, but now that I have stepped back well away from it all, I dare mutter why. Why that I led people on when I wasn't sure, why couldn't I say no and why was I happy playing naive.

"We were just friends" is not good enough. I was expected to know better.

Given chance I would do it differently, then maybe we would still be friends. But then again why would you want to be friends with somebody like me.

Forgive me.

Knocked up

2007-11-11T21:49:00.000Z

Uhhh uhhh...it's odd to write again after nearly a year. I guess a summary would be a good start but suffice to say I am knocked up. Weheyyy!! (Buekkkkkkkkkkkk!!!) muntah.

My feeling, - it's hard to get overly excited when 'morning sickness' is ruling my world at the moment. But one precious feeling I do get is the flutter in my stomach whenever he talks to my belly button pretending that the little 'parasite' now probably the size of a tomato is a girl and her name is Sophia. My husband is odd, a lovely odd.

Now morning sickness, I've decided to dedicate my time to help those in search of simple tips/ solutions to morning sickness or in my case anytime anywhere sickness. I can't guarantee all of them will work but no harm in trying. One thing to remember, it will pass by 14-16 weeks, so I was told, and I am a desperate believer.

1. I find that eating small amount but frequent helps. As soon as the food gets in, the air gets out which then gives me the temporary relief. I burp so much and so loudly these days it's hard to pretend it wasn't me. I am the gas.

2. The sort of food to eat, bland food. Not too greasy, gentle on the olfactory. Potato, toast, rice, crackers. Belacan petai and the likes, urghh, stay away from. Try avoiding foods that have strong smell, they for one , make me green by the gills.

3. As soon as you wake up, eat. I usually have toast and cold milk. Seem to work but I found out about this only recently. Some people have some snacks in bed before they actually wake up. Whichever works for you.

4. Take vitamin B6 supplement and also ginger based foods. Ginger tea, ginger sweets, crystallized ginger. Medical trials showed improvement in symptoms compared to placebo, so go crazy.

5. Avoid stuffy, hot, underventilated areas. Once I get into work, I am ok. The reason why I get relief is probably because the air in there, changes up to 22 times per hour.

My take on morning sickness is that there must be a good reason why it happens. Firstly it occurs in such a distinctive period when the cells are actively dividing and trying to congregate and form purpose -organs and secondly, it's a way to protect us from feeding the baby smelly food. Smelly food can't be good for a wee thing.

I am sure there are more tips out there but these are the ones that I found useful to me. Try them but do listen to what your body tells you too.

2007-01-08T12:11:00.001Z

Do I have to have a reason to send you flowers?

Calling Mimie

2006-12-07T02:37:00.001Z

I can't sleep again. 0300 hrs. I got out of banality being in bed, checked my emails.

In my head, I still ruminate about how close that woman to having a flatline on the table this morning. And how forever it felt for her to speed up to my content. That was my adrenaline fix. I shouldn't play with people's heart, literally.

You have mails.
My past stared at me.
My heart beats so fast it almost fibrillated into weak pathetic flickers
My eyes welled, I didn't dare blink
My feeling tranced.
Time stood still.

It's probably not meant for me to read.
It's probably not meant for now
It's probably not him

But nobody else ever knows Mimie
Be still my heart..be still.

Self Pity Pit

2006-11-13T02:43:00.001Z

At various points during what remains of today, as the garment I donned divorced me, I tripped into the self pity pit. One time and out. Again and I climbed back out. Again with addictive agony, again, I clambered out. And brace. And breath and hyperventilate, my glomus at the twiggy bifurcation ran amok.

Self pity pit. A beckoning dungeonal place my conscience struggle to grave. But I fail, again and again. My body weakened my heart darkened.

There is nothing clever about the birth of this pit. Part curiosity and part distrust, sprinkled with tenebrous delusions of epoch. True it is foetal, true it is a bud, larvae, call it whatever but when all around you has been wrong for so long, how could you not waterfall and brim up to the lushness a soul bring to the core. I let go of course I fall, who cares about it. You’ll catch me, I let you.

How wrong how cruel. How bitter and lonesome. The envelope ripped and torn. Exposed and wanting. Waiting and trusting. I rabbit with all these lights on me.
……
You stabbed hard, I couldn’t breath. The pain kneaded deep into my rib cage unyielding. It ballooned out till laboured and choking. My eyes glazed. Hot or cold I couldn’t decide. Time stood still but I ran wild in my cage. I am still here. Breathing, contemplating in my self pity pit.
Pain, palpable musky in my cold sweat.

I am not the one your heart wants. Certainly not the one your heart wants.

Scabrous for a long long time. God help me. *Sigh*

Selamat hari Raya

2006-10-23T15:51:00.000Z

Syawal datang lagi, Ramadhan bergegas pergi
Aku lagi baik tak dari tahun lepas
Aku graduate tak tahun ni
Aku confident tak dengan semua puasa tahun ni (minus 5 hari in the middle)
Entahlah, aku harap harap...

SELAMAT HARI RAYA. MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN.

EID MUBARAK.

2006-10-18T21:07:00.000Z

Perhaps...perhaps...perhaps...

Mine against time

2006-10-18T17:42:00.000Z

I have a bit of time to write today. Which is also true for many other days but most of the time, the moment didn’t last long enough for me to get to the notebook at home on time. One could say, I now sleep with my notebook. Because it gives me heat and the bed is now big enough for two.

Actually the house is big enough for two. The spare room is rented out. I let a girl to occupy it. She is very and really nice, I would have her for a sister.

Her room is facing the back garden and beyond that, just trees and some more trees. One could say that there are other houses behind those trees and bushes, but from where I normally observe the greeneries, it looks rather jungly but trustworthy. So I never put curtains in her room. Until one night I was washing up in the kitchen and when I looked up, the darkness was just glaring and the scent of the lilly candle couldn’t distract my fear of this black envelope consuming me fast.

I bought curtain rods the next day and drilled my walls. When that was done, she took out curtains from her underbed storage. She wanted the curtains up all along and must have been waiting and waiting and she didn’t pester me about it. Am I inadequate beyond reasons, or what. How selfish of me. And for all that time, I am glad the darkness was not as beasty to her as it was to me.

I am smitten actually. I get to ride my cycle to work everyday now. It takes me about 20 minutes, just enough to break into cold sweat. Enough to redden the tip of my nose and my cheeks. Enough to have a completely detached time from the abusive demanding beginning of the day. I would think about things. In those cold breeze of lazy start of foggy October mornings, my mind rabbits under the spotlight. I would think about things that are normal and mundane. But put into a perspective of how it is going to be in the next 5 years, fear I felt started hitchhiking on my back, dragging me and vectoring me out.

Things that I am happy with now will not work out in 5 years time. Which would I choose, my heart my soul or my family. My joy my companion or my family. My rock or my family. Why can’t things be easy and why not let people be as long as they love each other.

Religion..
Skin colour…
Black..white..brown
I love you, so
Why ?

2006-10-03T09:28:00.000Z

I know it's wrong but I just couldn't help it.

That, is what i could say about it.

So you know..

2006-09-23T18:29:00.000Z

This is taking the piss to a higher level. For 12 hours shift i only did one epidural and one caesarian spinal.

God Delusion

2006-09-23T13:42:00.000Z

If you look closely at the guy who wrote the book, you wonder why what he says matter. But that's just physical appearance. If you sit there and listen to how he explains himself, you just feel like writing a book to retort him. Maybe something like 'Why It Is not a Delusion'.

What he said was very inflammatory very shallow and mucky. I wonder if he's read absolutely everything to know about God. I wonder if he's read the ancient Quran. I just don't think that I should buy his £10 book just to learn more about one person's ignorance. It is not my responsibility.

This book I imagine is weak, but yet I feel threatened. I wonder if anybody's got it and if i can borrow it.

This is just the many things that bothers me today. I am on my first day of the Holy month. We've just finished a Ceasarian and I am struggling. 4 more hours to go.

The heart

2006-09-20T13:29:00.000Z

Not everyday that I am impressed by a poem. I sometimes fantasize about writing a geeky poem. This one is a close resemblance to the one i had in my head but of course they wrote it first, so i have to start a new one which will take another 10 years to finish. Damn it!

The great Dr. Starling in his law of the heart,
Said the output is greater if right from the start
The cardiac fibers were stretched a bit more
So the force of contraction would be more than before
Thus the larger the volume is diastole
The greater the output was likely to be

Anyway, I was just thinking for a moment there, what a joy it is to be able to enjoy a musical because you can hear and see. What a joy it is to be able to feel somebody from his/her writing. Ever thought about what fear it is not to be able to read and write in this century? That sort of puts me off copying the rest of the poem. It just didn't feel right.

I need to go and put up those shelves. Now I feel like I need a man.

Breaking news

2006-09-08T06:17:00.000Z

If you had a third nipple, who do you tell and who do you not tell to?

It's very early in the morning only because i have been up all night at work. Mind you still at work now.

It was fairly tranquil to start with until one woman went for caesarian section at about 1 am, and then like everything else in Britain, before you knew it, there was a queue for epidurals. So I have been up pretty much all night. Because of course these women don't push because they don't have pain, so baby is doomed stuck and of course another c setion. It's a lot more complicated than that but you know the gist of it.

But that wasn't interesting, this is. I came across this IKEA interactive mediaplayer after slaving my ass doing 3 epidurals since 3am. You're suppose to put a secret into a virtual envelope. The envelope sealed itself and quickly flew into nothingness. And I put mine, excited to see what's next. The next minute, a front page of Indian newspaper spun out of the blue and tadaaaaaa. "Najjer: I have a third nipple". I knew I can never trust internet but i didn't know how bad it can betray you. And plus why do I feel the need to share my third nipple secret with the world?

I am betrayed but I have a plan, going to spy me some coffee tables when i get home (somewhere not IKEA) because when you sit down watching Girlfriends on Trouble channel, of course through your new 32" Toshiba LCD HD ready TV, you would want your cup of tea to steam into the delightful ambience as it sits on your delightful coffee table.

I am a decor junkie, I am I am. Join me.

My precious life

2006-09-07T00:49:00.000Z

These days, I appreciate not being dead busy on the job. I am on obstetrics and when you only do obstetrics anaesthetics in the night, life could be cushy. Done about 3 epidurals since 1 am and earlier in the night just one 'crash' section. Caesarians of a crash sort had to be done under GA and it was a pretty straight forward one. 'Shrug', oh well.

I remember a year ago being absolutely petrified with these calls. But I always knew that all my catecholamine receptors will get saturated at some point, I just didn't know it was going to be this soon. I no longer get the buzz from this job. It crossed my mind the other day that maybe I should just dress windows. Harrod's windows maybe. Nice windows make my heart go funny. Racing home from work later probably give me more buzz, maybe I'll knock a few people down on the way home, that'll remind them how precious life is.

On the preciousness of life, I think I should look after myself a bit better. At 01: 40, my throat got a bit bothered with lots of sharp prickly sensations. I am getting this unattractive sad coughs of very little confidence only cause if i let myself cough like that guy on hacks advert my eyeballs will pop put in a projectile manner and I don't want to struggle looking for my eyeballs. My neck starting to hurt and my joints ache. Is there photophobia there? This is the bit where if you are a medic and you're clerking somebody like me, you put query query photophobia to make people go oooohh ahhhh, lets do lumbar puncture. Things they do on the ward round. To see who can come up with the best longest list of diagnosis.

So i took charge on my precious life and took a temperature, it was 37.7, my pulse at rest was 115 and blood pressure 124/75. I don't think I want meningitis but i think I have. But if i go to A&E I might never leave the hospital and my new 32" flatscreen LCD with HD tv will be delivered today. And also these hospital people will stick a needle in and I will most definitely swear at them. I don't like needles.

Think think, do I go to A&E or do I just wilt away in my room only to be discovered by the dustbin man or ..oh wait i am working tomorrow night so they might wonder why there is nobody aswering bleep 600. Nevermind if i am dead with larvae hatching in my skin, these women need their epidurals.

Ok think think.

The glare from this pc is hurting me. I am surrendering, I am defeated. The good thing is if I am dead, i don't have to pay to live.

Too early to title things

2006-08-29T07:46:00.000Z

Buzz buzz at too early in the morning. But i got up anyway. Mr Postman said "I have a parcel for you darling".

I buzzed him in. At the door I heard his steps drawing nearer. "You are not 27 are you". No I am not. "You didn't let me in just did you", he shook his head so I I said no, eventhough I did. He continued up the stairs. I was still standing there.

Why did I say no and let him walk away with no guilt for dragging me out of my bed? Why why? I want to kick him and leave my Marriot slippers up his bum.
I want a parcel. I want I want. I don't care what's in it. Because I got out of my damn bed put on my damn slippers and opened the damn door. And I want to shoot those people making such nice songs about postmen. They are mean.

My period is due.

Just not into you

2006-08-24T22:26:00.003Z

Some people lie to themselves. They just don't like facing to the fact that the very person they like is just not into them. Who likes not being liked. It hurts. I agree, but could we actually try and understand why some people are not attracted to some others. Even better could we actually globally accept a reason for not being with somebody as simply as I am just not into you. Without being stoned to death or being called a bitch.

When I got on to my phone messages after the urology list , one made me felt cut. Mr Black actually agreed that I promised to speak to him at 8 tonight. But me, I remembered but my sense were blunted. I liked the idea but I don't thrive on the actual act of being on the phone finding out more about another man. I don't have that curteousy to be by the phone dressed in a eager beaver suit. And I am actually worried.

Does it take more than diamonds to woo? Is it the moon his competition? Are flowers an insult because they represent the desire to fertilize a woman. I mean why are flowers so beautiful but last only enough time for the bees to use and abuse?

This is not the first time. Mr Black punch line was Hi, it's me again and yes I like it better if I could actually speak to you. However, if this is a warning of a more interaction with your answerphone than yourself, then you don't secure me any confidence. I am pissed off. Ouch! I think he meant what he said, and I think I am not quite in the wrong. I say that because all that pallaver was only after one dinner and a river cruise.

But then, it's happened before and it's to the best man with an arm length tick boxes. Now this is worrying. I think I have passed that I wanna phase. I am entering I don't wanna phase. Maybe I have my radar turned 180 degrees. Because the other day i found perky boobs are a turned on.

But there is hope. On maternity 2 days ago, my bleep went off. The hospital reception was in need of me. For what I thought. I had a delivery. From interflora. A grand orchestra of sunflowers, yellow roses, lucky bamboos, fronds of greens fringed the bouquet. It was gorgeous and I wanted it to be from him. He who put together my IKEA aneboda flat pack bed. He who loves babies so much he took up a career stabbing needles in their feet and put the blood in a little straw. Weirdo breed of doctors, I know.

Later that day i texted him, They are gorgeous thank you.

Very soon he replied, What flowers?

It was a shot in the dark. All the way from LA.

Testing testing

2006-08-21T16:03:00.000Z

Ok i am not amused. What's going on.

Hanging on.

2006-08-18T16:39:00.000Z

Well, I now am a mortgage payer.

I did imagine that one point a very handsome wealthy man will sweep me off my feet and only too happy to jet me here and there. Forbidden me from ever to play with those nasty needles and gas again which changes my personality anyway, and only let me mingle with people who smell like cupcakes. So I would completely object at first but then agree with him only because I only want him to be happy.

But that seems more impossible than me crawling back into my mum’s uterus at the moment.

But then, a girl has to have a roof over her head so here we are.

This place I have is a two bedroom house and I have to drill the wall. It’s a new house and I have to drill the wall. If I make a mistake there will be a hole in the wall and as much as I like fixing things and people, I don’t think I like the thought of patching a hole in a wall. A hole in a wall of a new house. If I screwed up I have a hole in my new wall. Shit.

I have finished hernia list this afternoon and I am in no rush to go home. The state of the house is excruciatingly eye jabbing. If people don’t know the story they probably thought my house has been broken into. So I need storage, plenty of them, organizing, shelving, boxing, hiding, stacking. Anything, so this place look neat asap. Still, the wall, needs to be drilled. How come the word IKEA suddenly flashed there for a millisecond?

I went online, (still online) and looked for ‘how to drill different types of walls’(still looking). You think it’s easy to drill? I think you think it is. What’s the big deal? There’s the drill, there’s the wall. Go drill. No. it’s not that easy. Ladies, if you are putting up anything on the wall go mad on doing it right. Messing up a wall is not ladylike.

I suppose, am making such a fuss because I like doing it right the first time. It’s so easy if that happens, but you know that it’s not like that with life. I guess you can’t always get the perfections that you hope for.

Sometimes, he can cook, clean, ring you daily, blue when he misses you, mad when somebody pisses you. But in the morning, when you’re half awake and half aphasic and you go ‘honey, pukul berapa?’ and he goes, ‘english please baby, speak english’, then you know you still have an imperfections issue you still have to face up to.

On hanging stuff, I found here.

Happy hanging, and have a good weekend.

See You Tomorrow

2006-06-22T18:02:00.000Z

Bad news.

I am a bad sister. Little sister is now bigger than me. And soon she'll be away. Quite far in the land of sushi. I know she's worked hard, played hard that's why she's the colour of mocha at the moment. Hitam manis is nice but mocha is neither here nor there.

But I love my sister, I miss her dearly. At the moment, all i can think of is the fact that she hates squid's head. Tentacles. Seems very little that I know about her, which is probably true. I was away when she was born and i was away further when she was growing up. And we don't really talk all that much.

But just now she gave me a missed call. So I called back.

It came to the bit where I said, so I will see you tomorrow, what do you want me to bring from home? I am going to Kuala Lumpur from Kota Bharu tomorrow you see. I say Kuala Lumpur because I am not a Kuala Lumpuran, so saying KL makes me feel out of place. Having said that I feel more at home in York's Mark's and Spencer than KB Mall.

I know I have that Harry Potter book that she wanted, I have her favourite Kiwi mug, I have the silver pendant I bought from NEXT and the Tea tree stuff I bought from Body shop today (because that's the only thing that can stop karakatoa from erupting off her nose) all packed for her tomorrow. So I was hoping for her to say 'No i don;t need anything else. Thank you'.

Instead.
1. You know that Chemistry book? Chemistry Focus Mastery , pelangi publisher, aaa...yes..can you bring that one. Actually, can you bring ALL my Chemistry books?

2. I need my dictionary. You know the red one, the BIG one , you go to my room, by the cupboard, next to the window, below the hills, and in between the meadows right under the waterfall and stuck right in front of a big lemon tree.....so I said yes yes I'll find it.

3. Oh and and and, can you bring fork and spoon? Hehehehehe

Now I remember why I used to bite her a lot. See you tomorrow trouble.

Bitchings

2006-06-22T14:06:00.000Z

My feet are definitely not bigger than yours, err...wait....

I am not sure if there's been any research done on this particular phenomena, but I notice that people tend to form a very special kind of bond when they have a particular person or thing that they can bitch about.

Do people talk about global warming? or about the goodness of breastmilk? or about which artist is wearing what, doing when and farting where? Who is what, married to who now having an affair with who, who in turn sleeping with who, who is also seeing who. Whatever it is, it is definitely something people do without shame, and it brings people together. How is it that talking about some losers who definitely don't give a shit about you, give you that much pleasure and occupies that much of your time?

But sometimes, people just want their affairs broadcasted to the world so people can celebritized them.

I was waiting for the sun to tame down on that third island. So I eased my lazy bum onto a lazy chair, attempted to irritate Mr. Rugby picking on his foot. My attempt to snorkel didn't actually get anywhere because there was far too much rocky bits and i scratched my knees. Not to mention a woman dressed in white who's evidently stepped on some sea urchins. Later on we gave her dirtly looks because she was definitely told to pee on her foot.

But this is better. Feint behind us a Malay woman shouted.

You memang tak guna tau tak blablabla, you memang tak paham, i kan dah bagitahu blablabla

The Malay man then said yang you gatal p****t tu apesal. Tak sedar diri blablabla

A moment later the woman walked off and came to our view as she sauntered towards the sea. She was petite, her face dejected, longed for a man to hug her and whisper kind words. Words that are gentle, almost like a promise that the argument will simmer, and that they just need some time apart, not a holiday in Phuket together.

My guess was, the woman must have been going out with her ex while the man is away on some overseas trip. The woman felt lonely because his phone calls where scanty. The woman told the man. But, the man actually met up with his ex while on the business trip, that's why he had no time to ring. He then took out the guilt on the honest woman who actually told him that she agreed to have a friendly lunch with her ex.

Sometimes when the sun is scorching, the tide is low and the corals are just a nuisance (probably remnants from Tsunami), the best thing to do is, to sit back and watch the people, listen to the sea, the people and appreciate, the time that you are given to unwind. No arguments, (i tried to pick one but Mr. Rugby is a gentleman who easily gives in), no theatre lists, no train to catch, no groceries to buy, no bedtime, and the time slows down, almost just for you.

Pain? what pain?

2006-06-21T14:07:00.000Z

Yesterday I didn't do well.

The reception to the dental surgery was very welcoming but I, was actually having a crescendo feeling of impending doom.

I have a small crack on one of the incisors from a fall years ago. Aging process dictates that this crack develops caries. So it needed a filling. And the drilling always gives me shivers.

Not to mention toes curling hands choreing and neck stiffening.

So I sat down on the apple green chair. The chair fell backwards slowly, and the lights beamed on me. SHOWTIME!!!!

"nanti nanti, err you boleh put local tak". I asked dengan muka cemas.

"kalau I letak local lagi sakit from the injection. sikit je" she mumbled with the mask on. I can so tell she's thinking I gila.

Filling pun nak local. gila apa perempuan ni.
The drill came closer.

"nanti nanti, err kan ada lignocaine pallett tu, u letak before inject local", I was desperate.
She definitely thought I was the perempuan gila she never hope to meet.

"ok ok, ni selalu i bagi kids je". She jeered. Ah lantak kids ke foetous ke janji tak sakit. The lignocaine topical pallett tasted like strawberry. I likkeee.

So drilling started, I was very pleased i actually felt like humming to myself.

Not only it was painless, she did a good job too. But as usual the numbness can cause erratic facial palsy which causes some difficulty with facial expressions and formation of some words.

While writing in my treament card, she added"eh jap miss, you jangan gigit benda benda keras ok nanti gigi u mana tahu gugur" she smiled. I smiled back without moving my top lips. I caught a glimpse of that one in the side mirror. Horror!

" eh what did you say you do for living" she asked, trying to make a last minute chat.
I on the other hand saw this as a cue to cabut, " heneshtshesis, heheheh byeee".

I left very quickly. i hope they thought I needed a wee.

Today, I..

2006-06-21T12:48:00.000Z

So I have this compulsion to write and write.

Not that I am bored or family is ignoring me because I am now the colour "burnt oak" on the Dulux 1994 colour chart. It's like flu, you just have to nurse it, till you get better.

I actually went out today for a number of reasons.

1. They forgot that when they actually hand in the key for a certain property, there is a possibility that people might want to live in that property so, ideally the toilets should be functioning. But they..it...hmmm. So I took the complain sheet with 12 complaints on it to the developer office. 7 was basically just on toilets. They then didn't bother telling me that the office has been moved, so I made one of the guys met me at...err..KFC. That was probably the highlight of the day. Also, I mastered the art of looking without actually being seen looking. The guy had a hickie. 3!! on one side. How do I know? I remembered being shown one, once on somebody else.

2. Met another fella for the Takaful insurance yearly top up. He didn't have a hickie. I think he hasn't been grabbed by any hickie monster. His face seemed balanced, fair tall with a gush factor and a good salesman as well! Why do you think I got sucked into it? But whenever I think a Kelantan man is good looking, there is normally something wrong somewhere else to balance the looks. Physical pallarva aside, I still think takaful is the best one around.

3. Completely unplanned but i did plan to go home. And i remember Cik T's fridge looking like it has chicken pox all over and in the night it coughs like a Hack's man . Like it has tuberculosis. I found a store that does home delivery for free so I got a free ride home and a fridge.

The Phi Phi Island

2006-06-21T11:56:00.000Z

Phi Phi Ley

This is where the water was bluest and sand was whitest. If I could describe it with words I would have but lucky me I had my camera and the picture was thankfully a close resemblance.

But needless to say you have to be there to be absorbed by the proud festoons that make Phi Phi islands. As the boat rode the gentle waves towards the modest beach, I fought my anxiety evenmore. How could a beach be so beautiful, how could the water complement it so perfectly. How could I not sigh helplessly.

Here and here and here, got really really sore from being baked in the sun.

What equally fascinated me was the 3 Arabic katoeys (read: ladyboys) in the same boat as Mr. Rugbyand me. The sea was very choppy at some point and I knew I was going to make a lot of noise because I always do. But guess who screamed the loudest? No, not mr. Rugby although I saw a wet patch at the front of his tight swimming "trunk". He insisted it wasn't bodily fluid.

The 3 katoeys. One had a Pharoah's nose, one looked like a saudagar minyak dab and the other, cute with rosy cheeks but Adam's apple the size of a lemon. I didn't eat much at lunch. I wasn't seasick.

2006-06-20T19:29:00.000Z

I predict

2006-06-20T18:53:00.000Z

This is my forecast, Brasil and Germany - Final World Cup.

Maybe it is just the way my radar picks up wrong wavelengths. I tend to end up hanging out with people who are not actually into football. Pardon me, I mean men who are not into footie.

Last week in Phuket, after Banana closed at 2am, I was looking for a place I could watch a particular match. Mr. Firefighter had an umbrella. So between Mr. Firefighter, Mr. Rugby and me, there was this umbrella barely covering any of us because the rain was so anarchist.

We found one barely open or barely closed depending on which way you look at it because the French owner was there. That was after the blackout during which a goal was scored by Kaka. ##%^&**&%$#@#$^

Here I noticed that Mr. Firefighter was flirting with a bargirl and attracting a flower lady while Mr. Rugby had to go for a ciggy because it was past his bedtime. Mr. Rugby smokes but not in my presence.

hello?

But then let me know if anybody had a free 69 from a French, best seat for a live footie and bunch of Thai roses all in one night. It's a deal very hard to beat.

Paying a friend

2006-06-20T18:18:00.000Z

I would say, to call a day a good day, you should have at least learnt one thing in that day.

Today I learnt that it's very difficult to pay your friend for his service.

Yesterday dad took one of his electrician friends to put lights in my house. I left it all up to the experienced. I didn't say anything because I knew it was going to be taken care of. Plus I wasn't going to spend anymore time leaving that house dark and de-occupied. I might find a cross breed between musang and katak living harmoniously in a small mu-tak ecosystem the next time I go there.

So then, all doors ajar, all 15 lights competed against each other, the house was glowing like a UFO. I actually liked the feeling of these lights falling on the semak samun which has grewn macam kena suruh suruh all around the house. Some raindrops glistening. Yes, it has been raining daily since I came back from Phuket.

Then the payment time. I gave 200 RM. Dad put another 50. He said it's ok 200 is enough. Dad put another 50, so there was 300. He said dad was being silly. Dad laughed and they both laughed. Silly men, don't want money give me lah.

I wonder how good it must feel, say if in 10 years time if I put one of my friends to sleep she/he wakes up and starts insisting that I get another extra 1000 RM. Because I didn't let him/her die.

On the way back I exchanged silence with dad. I felt so grown up yet alone. Dad sat next to me while I kept my head straight and the night was snaking past. I wonder if he's proud of me.

Testing

2006-06-19T09:08:00.000Z

Testing testing scrubber to blogger come in you bugger. I must apologize for the utter visual insult this blog might cause if you are viewing via Mozilla Firefox, which I have just done myself.

I am getting blue patches everywhere I look myself.

Listening

2006-05-28T23:59:00.000Z

I was never told that I am a good listener. I don’t mind. Not that anytime today I was told differently. In fact I was convinced I am not a good listener.

Of all the 3 anaesthetists in this hospital tonight, I pulled the short straw and had to go over to a neuro centre. To a 50 minute ambulance blue light drive away hospital. Blue light means we can go through red lights and in between cars and against traffic flow but we don’t make weeee wooooo sound. We took this lady who was earlier in the evening was at a party, very merrily drinking away, who then unfortunately fell down a flight of stairs and bled into the brain. We call it extradural haematoma. She also broke her neck bones.

But wasn't it just a nightmare. She had her head sandwiched with blocks on both sides and her neck in a stiff collar. She complained it was uncomfortable, I listened I reassured. She complained and fidget and I listened and I explained. She then started screaming, and the line she had somehow came off with the fidgeting. Was I crossed? I bloody well was. Very.

Apart from her vomiting a concoction of red wine and some partially digested roast dinner on my scrubs, I would say that inter hospital transfer was quite uneventful and deafening. It is better to not listen, if it’s going to be the same thing that you have to explain over and over again. I am not good at that. Once, I could do. Twice, yes if you have hearing impairment. More? Sorry. Sometimes you have to be mean to be kind.

Viva

2006-05-23T11:55:00.000Z

This is what you’d call dry, ‘err-what’ and has near perfect properties of an agent to induce sleep, however, not quite in one arm-brain circulation. (For that, you must either whack yourself in the head, or walk into a lamp post). If it is not yet obvious, I am feeling a bit ratty today. A bit? Some would say.

But, if you are sitting the FRCA exam anytime soon and want to know what it is like, rather than asking me ‘watchu get asked, whatcu get asked?’ I will tell you, first hand. So you may find this almost like a little cava sangria. Just what you need.

There were two poker face examiners. And then there was a you, shitting yourself across them. It’s worse than a job interview.

Viva 1 (Physiology)

1. Sinoatrial node resting membrane potential and action potential. Ionic changes for every phase. Compared with myocardial action potential. (he looked slightly sleepy and bored, I can soooo tell he soooooo wanted to sit there and ask me questions on tiny little thing in there somewhere, which if it stops you’ll die…err so fairly important, so yeah ok, it’s a fair question, so he grilled me).

2. Nerve cell resting membrane potential, what are the figures for potassium and sodium, what happens during the propagation? Nernst equation and Goldman’s equation. ( So I don’t know if all the constants are in the right order, but they didn’t seem to disagree. They probably couldn’t remember themselves. At least the equation looks correct on paper. You know like when people ask you to spell ‘konshens’ as in conscience, you have to marvel at it on paper first, to know that it’s the right spelling? So this one is like that. My throat was closing up and drying at this point, I so wanted to jump in a big river and soak my self . Sweaty as well mind you)

3.What is Parathyroid hormone, what kind of hormone is it? Explain in terms of calcium handling. Osteoclastic activity. Calcitonin action. ( Reduce, increase, reduce increase seemed the only words I was using, I wasn’t sure if they followed me, it’s not like gossip this, you can’t have much facial expressions to make it interesting apart from, eyebrows up, frown, down, very far apart, far apart, and semi lifted. And maybe just no expression when they said, right let’s move on to the next question)

Viva 1 (Pharmacology)

1. Acetylcholine receptor at neuromuscular junction. Nicotinic receptor .Draw the pentameric structure. Where does it bind, where does the atracurium bind. What about aminosteroid group? Where does that bind? (I think they liked my fat karipap style receptors, but the other examiner was starting to fall asleep)

2. Antihypertensives during anaesthesia, classes of drugs, explain in detail sodium nitroprusside. Action of GTN, and nitric oxide. Esmolol, what kind of beta blocker is it?( Right maybe I don’t quite remember how many cyanides get liberated, but I know what they do, ok not bad not bad.)

3. Pharmacogenetics , and I was like you are kidding me!!! I wanted to die.

So in the afternoon, some more torture.

Viva 2 (Physics, Clinical measurement and Equipmet)

1. Capnography- tell me all about it. So I did and he asked me about infrared, so I told him. Tell me the difference between capnometre and capnography. I waffled but I think he accepted my waffle. Something to do with continuous monitoring and sampling.

2. Latent heat of fusion, latent heat of evaporation of water. Explain the graph of heating up a block of ice. Saturated vapour pressure and critical temperature. Hmmmm. People melt ice everyday, in a plastic bag, by the roadside in a bowl, with cendol and red stuff and kacang and syrup and all the goodness you can think of. But I paid these people to ask me what happened when you melt ice. Can I not be me?

3. LASER. How it is produced. How is it made, how it is used, what precautions you have to take in theatre. Laser ..laser lah kan?

That took me to the clinical question which was 18 year old boy involved in a road traffic accident for splenectomy. How do you manage. Well, you just have to tell a story of how you would have done it. Something I like and enjoy doing so I didn’t feel it was all that bad. But I am soooo, tired now and I need a break.

Of being a Woman

2006-05-19T08:12:00.000Z

I am a woman. Just so people know that this is not a sexist fabrication to inflame any delicate souls.

I classify female surgeons as type 1 and type 2.I don’t like female surgeons type 1. You can see that there is some form of a deprivation clouding them. I just don’t know what it is. Love? Were they neglected when they were growing up? Did they come home with 30 A stars and nobody pat them in the back and say ‘Clever girl?’.

Type 2 female surgeons are the ones coming to work brushing cereals off her skirt, doing internet banking between cases , rush off home to pick up kids, and more importantly courteous towards her patients, anaesthetist and the theatre staff.

Nurses?… now that is a different story altogether.